Science/mathematical jokes

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Did you hear about the mathematician's love life? Apparently it was so complex that it involved real and imaginary partners...

A professor in Statistics goes on a flight to a conference. He's is stopped at customs and asked why he has a gun whit him, on which he replies: I'm not up to something, it's just to feel safe. You see there is a small chance that someone on the plane has a gun, but the chance that two people have a gun each is much much smaller. So by having a gun there is a smaller chance that another person has a gun.

P.S. I know that a prof in statistics should not be a prof when he says such things.

logic joke:

would you like coffee or tea:
Logician 1: Yes
Logician 2: No, I would like coffee Xor tea.

Joke:

I had a friend that taught geometry once, but he always went on tangents and figured it a was a bad sine.

if only dead people understand hexadecimal,
how many people understand hexadecimal?

Answer: 57005

DEAD

Nice.

How many Harvard math majors does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One holds the ladder while the other screws in the bulb.

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A mechanic, computer salesman, and a programmer were driving down a steep mountain road returning from a ski trip.

The brakes stopped working and they nearly lost control of the speeding car narrowly missing going over a high cliff, before they coasted to a stop at the bottom of the hill.

Shaken but alive, they discussed their situation.

Mechanic: "I'll get some tools and see if I can fix what's wrong with the brakes."
Salesman: "There's nothing wrong with the car, it's a safety feature. It stops when there's no more hill."
Programmer: "Let's restart it then drive up and try it again."

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Albert Einstein returned home from a conference and complained to his wife how he hates taking the train.

"I always end up in a seat that faces the back and riding backwards like that makes me sick."

His wife told him that what he should do next time he ends up in that situation, is to ask the person sitting opposite him if he could change seats with them.

The next time he traveled, he returned home and once again complained about being sick from riding backwards.

"But didn't you remember to ask the person across from you if you could trade seats?"

"Yes, I did. But there was no one sitting there to ask."

Teacher Arrested In New York

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

This one's pretty good.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTiEXMUVxyg[/youtube]

It is only semi-funny. The Heisenberg principle does NOT say you can never know what is happening. It say that you cannot calculate a pair complementary observable (observables who Hermitian operators do not commute) to an arbitrary degree of accuracy. The more precise you get one, the less precise you get the other.

ruveyn

How to tell what subject an experiment belongs to:

-If it wiggles, it's biology.
-If it stinks, it's chemistry.
-If it doesn't work, it's physics.
-If it's costing a gazillion dollars, it's economics...

The head of a university was complaining bitterly about the physicists, as they kept wanting massively expensive equipment and facilities. 'Mathematicians are much better, all they ever want are pencils, papers and waste baskets. But philosophers are even better: they don't ask for waste baskets.'

Was is the Queen of Sweden who told Leibnitz that she had no need of being taught infinitesimal calculus, as contact with her subordinates had made her thoroughly familiar with the infinitesimal?

I can never tell a joke about quantom physics without changing the punchline

I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary, please multiply by i and try again.


Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.

-If it's too difficult too calculate it's mathematics.

This may be somewhat esoteric:

What do you call two PhDs on opposite sides of an organic molecule?

A paradox.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.