Science/mathematical jokes

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A biologist, physicist and mathematician sit in front of an empty house. They see that two people enter, and three leave, they have all there explanation for this:

biologist: They have reproduced.
physicist: It's just a simple case of an error during measurement.
mathematician: no, no if just one person enters the house now it will be empty again.

I know a lot more of them, but I'll post them later (also some trouble translating jokes). Post as many as you like .

P.S. I know there are two topics from last year but I don't like digging them up (search and you'll find).

Ironman was a FE male.

Class of children learning their times tables. The teacher says "Timmy, what's 6 times 4?"

"Twenty-four miss"

"Yes Timmy, that's very good."

"What do you mean good" says Timmy, "It's perfect!"

The integral from 0 to cabin of 1/x dx = Log Cabin

In the book The curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon, about an autistic boy called Christopher, Christopher tells a joke about economists, logicians and mathematicians: "There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician. And they have just crossed the border into Scotland (I don't know why they are going to Scotland) and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parallel to the train). And the economist says, 'Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.' And the logician says, 'No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.' And the mathematician says, 'No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown.' And this is funny because economists are not real scientists and because logicians think more clearly, but mathematicians are best."

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a farm trying to figure out how to make a pen for the sheep. But they only had a so much wire fencing.

The engineer takes the fencing and makes a square pen. The he says "Look, there's a nice practical solution."
The physicist says "No, I can do better." He then takes the fence and makes a round pen. Then he says "The circular shape gives the most area for the sheep to move around in."
So then the mathematician says "No, I can do better." He then takes the fencing and builds a tiny pen around himself. Then he says "I define the spot where I'm standing to be outside the pen".

PI is the size of a round pie that just fits on top of four square pies.
If you cut the square pies around the round pie and eat the corners,
you have 2 PI's of pie left.

If the square pies are all a square foot in size, then after you eat around the
round pie, you have 2 PI square feet pies left, but they are round!

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

From the Facebook group "I Don't Need Sex - The School of Engineering *bleep*s Me All The Time" (not exactly jokes, but none-the-less):

You might be an engineer if:

1)You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2)You enjoy pain.
3)You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
4)You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".
5)You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
6)It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
7)You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".
You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
9)You think in "math".
10)You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
11)You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
12)You have a pet named after a scientist.
13)You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
14)The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
15)You can translate English into Binary.
16)You can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says "Exit".
17)You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
18)You are completely addicted to caffeine.
19)You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
20)You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".
21)When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
22)The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
23)You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
24)The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
25)You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.
26)The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
27)You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.
28)You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.
29)You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
30)You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.
31)You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
32)You have never backed up your hard drive.
33)You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
34)You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
35)You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
36)You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon
37)You've even calculated how much you make per second.
38)Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

Top 14 reasons to date an engineer:

14. We are trained to do it right the first time
13. We are used to all nighters
12. We are always willing to experiment
11. We know how to decrease and increase friction
10. We know all about heat transfer
9. We do it with more torque
8. We can wire your circuits
7. Free body diagrams
6. Potential for smart children
5. Engineering couples have better moments
4. We know how to deal with stress and strain
3. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force
2. "Lubrication, Friction and Wear" is actually a class
1. The world DOES revolve around us....we pick the coordinate system

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

How do you know a blond has been on a computer?

There is whiteout all over the screen.

make sure you are sober when doing math:
don't drink and derive

why did Sine and Cosine go to the beach?
They needed to get Tanned

What do you call someone who chops wood at a steady pace?
A logarithm (logger+rhythm)

How did the mathematician respond when he was told he had only 1 year left to live?
He knew that he has 1 year to live, so he assumed that he had n years to live and then (n + 1) years to live, getting the same results each time. Therefore by induction, be proved that he can live for all years n.

All in favour of complex numbers: Aye (i)!

Three functions are at a party, sin x, cos x and e^x. Sin x and cos x are chatting and e^x is on his own, looking upset. Cos x goes over to comfort him and asks, "Why don't you chat with us?" Then e^x replies "Because when I integrate with others I always end up by myself!"

Three people, a physicist, an engineer and a mathematician, individually deal with a blazing room. The engineer grabs a bucket of water and puts out the fire by throwing the water on it. The physicist pours the water in a circle around the fire so that it stops expanding and eventually diminishes. The mathematician convinces himself that there is a solution, and leaves.

Also some mathematical inuendos, that perhaps one could say to their partner if she's a mathematician:
- I want to differentiate you so I can feel your turning points...
- I want to find your second derivative so I can appreciate your maximum and minimum points...
- I want to be your integral so I can fill the space between your curves...
- I want to go through your asymptotes so I can go from one climax to another...