The Lost World (with Colin Farrell.) I want the 150 minutes of my life I spent on this back please. Colin bloody farrel sails to america, has exactly one fight lasting about 3 seconds which he manages to lose despite wearing half-plate and carrying a gun, faffs about in a corn field with some native bird for about a month, looking at the sky, then some people are ill, some other people get stabbed a bit in the most dire battle scene ever. Colin bloody farrel lies in a field a bit more.. goes home.. end. You want to know the Pocahontas story, watch the Disney film. its WAY better.
Alexander (with Colin Farrel again.) How did they screw this up? Mass battles, heroics, angelina jolie, anthony hopkins, brian "hawkmen DIIIVE" blessed even.. and what do you get? about 3 hours of farrel either mincing round in that godawful helmet (kill the design guy NOW.. break his drawing fingers for our sanity.) OR whining and moaning about loyalty and his bloody boyfriend like an emo. YES Alexander the Great liked men.. but I seriously doubt he was this kind of sadarse interior designer who spends more time crying than conquering. They managed to render one of the greatest (clue in the name) tacticians and generals and leaders of ancient times as Mr Humphries from are You being Served. Or maybe the Kings son from the " I built this castle.." sequence of Holy grail.
Philip of Macedon: [to Young Alexander] A king isn't born, Alexander, he is made. By steel and by suffering. A king must know how to hurt those he loves. It's lonely. Ask anyone. Ask Herakles. Ask any of them. Fate is cruel. No man or woman can be too powerful or too beautiful without disaster befalling. They laugh when you rise too high. And they crush everything you've built with a whim. What glory they give in the end, they take away. They make of us slaves.
Alexander: But father.. all I want to do is sing!! !! !
OR..
Brian "Butch Macedonian Wrestling Trainer" Blessed: You don't need much to fight. When you're in the front ranks of a battle, chasing some northern barbarian tribe. Courage won't be in the lining of your stomach Nearchus, is in the heart of a man. You don't need to eat everyday or until your full Ptolemy. You don't need to lay in bed in the morning when you can have some good bean soup,Cassander, after a forced night's march. Come on Alexander. Come on. Who'll ever respect you as king? Do you think it's because of your father? The first rule of war is to do what you ask your men to do, no more, no less.
Alexander: OOh you are a caution.
No. Just No. Oliver bloody Stoned more like. Buggered this franchise backwards.. I demand a remake.
Alexander should have been more like 300, but with men who have sex with men. (Clarification.. not being homophobic here, merely pointing out that effeminate homosexuals would NOT have got all that far in this particular society. Bear in mind that having sex with lads was considered a perfectly manly pursuit. It wasnt about paisley scatter cushions .. which i swear i saw in that film.. )
Finally (for now) Pathfinder (with karl Urban.) Not fair.. It should have been good. it should have been awesome.. but it wasnt. It was. a bit dull, nicked scenes from King arthur, and managed to make all the delivery cheesy (expected to a degree in films like this, but not so badly. if you're going to do Cheese.. do it with a wry grin, a la 300.) The Vikings were brutal though. Best bit really, with all the horns and axes and whatnot. Ill just clip those bits and watch them to a hard metal soundtrack I think.
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"There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart,
that you can't take part" [Mario Savo, 1964]