Feedback on logline/synopsis for screenplay I wrote

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I don't know if this is the best place for this post or not. I have a screenplay posted on InkTips and one of the things they say is to run your logline and synopsis past people to test them. Well, I don't know anyone to ask, so I thought I might ask here.

What are your reactions? Do these draw you in? Turn you off? Make no sense? The idea is for each one to want to get people to go to the next one: logline -> synopsis -> screenplay. How am I doing?

Jock the Unicorn
Feature film/Fantasy

It seems very interesting, and it's certainly something I'd watch, but I wonder how they'd be able to make it. If you have a lot of spare time, you can try turning it into a book, and then use that to sell the screenplay. The story seems fascinating but somehow absurd enough for me to watch, which is a good thing. Perhaps, in order to make people more excited about the synopsis, you can focus more on the part you really want it to be about - unicorns trying to navigate a world built by and for humans - and cut down on the more difficult explanations a bit. Keep some of the information to yourself until someone shows genuine interest. It's the part of the plot that really appeared most important here.

In any case, I'd ask for the actual screenplay now.

Log line should be more like, "An idealistic unicorn struggles to find a way of joining the "real world" and hopes to find success as a fashion model."
Your original log line states the ending! You want to tease your audience, this will make them want to ask for more.

Your synopsis is too long. Look at IMDB, Variety, or script selling sites online. People have no patience these days, so a one or two paragraph synopsis should suffice.

A movie such as yours would be expensive to make Disney style. I can see it being made anime style because their art is drawn for 4fps presentation. Also, anime is well known for producing bizarre and nonsensical characters and situations. Your story would fit. It'd still be expensive to produce, though.

Like the other poster said, if you wrote this as a short story, novella, or novel it could probably get published on a SF or fantasy website. Just curious - who is the story intended for - children, teens or adults?

I just read what Hop is about on IMDB. I'd never heard of it till now. I see it cost 63 mil to produce and grossed over 100 mil so it's a success. Ted's also a success, too. Hop is PG and Ted R, both obviously not for all ages (that's why I'd asked who it was written for).

One striking difference, though, is your story vs theirs. Their stories are relatively simple one plot ideas. Yours seems to be all over the place. Hopefully it's written in such a way there's a main focus and everything else are minor subplots. I had no idea your transitions into a courtroom drama. Oy!

How many pages is your script? How many characters? How would you describe its central conflict - Man vs man? Man vs machine? Man vs supernatural? Man vs himself? Man vs fate? Man vs God?

118 pages. Three main characters: two unicorns and a human friend. Central conflict = differently abled vs societal norms (fish out of water, I guess).

And yes, I guess it's quite complicated. For an autistic person it's not bad, though. (I hope.)

I'm in the process of rewriting another one that had way too many characters (15-20) and I've narrowed down to 8, I think. I can see how I tend to go overboard on the complexity. Perhaps it won't be my first sale, then.

I congratulate you on having completed Jock the Unicorn, by the way. Scripts are not the easiest things to write. I should know. I've written six.

Thanks. I have two more complete too, plus some older stuff I've shelved, but am not shopping them about right now.

What have you written? And have you sold any? Had any nibbles?

My screenplays:
Stranded in Paradise (historical fiction about Hitler and Eva Braun in exile after the war)
Diamondback (crime drama set in NYC)
Strung Out (drama about young outcasts)
Iron Maiden (a woman returns to her small town after prison but gets embroiled in a controversy involving murders)
Wetland (interwoven drama involving 3 couples in Seattle)
Tears of a Clown (someone is killing the best and brightest a small town has to offer)

Tears of a Clown almost went into production because it was the simplest of my scripts. It would've been a standard horror movie. I'd planned to shoot Wetland myself in Seattle, but I'm in the middle of turning it into a novella and should have it published, along with a few short stories, by spring of next year.

Thanks for asking, by the way. This is the part where I hate Asperger's. I come up with an idea for a script, write its treatment, then outline, then full script, then...move on to my next special interest. I'm also a songwriter, musician, engineer. My script follow throughs are sorely lacking. Maybe I'll find the time to refine my scripts (they're between 2 to 12 years old) and try to sell them. As you know yourself, trying to accomplish all this and working full time can drive you insane!

This Summer, Unicorns are real, and they're taking over the fashion scene.

My Little Pony was so last week!