https://www.deviantart.com/willm3luvtra ... -875602405
It's a journal titled "Maybe It's Time to Slow Down now on the Fictional Autistic Characters."
But if you don't want to go on Deviantart, I'll post it below. Should warn you it's long and not very happy. It talks about my jealousy toward fictional autistic characters and my personal experiences in life.
Full title "Maybe It's Time to Slow Down Now on the Fictional Character Autism Thing"
Note, please forgive me if I sound immature and self-centered but I want to get this out.
Although I'm happy to have more cartoon characters with autism and welcome more of them, maybe it's time to cool it for now. I finally got to watch the new Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood episodes "Daniel's New Friend Max" (the episode I've been waiting to see but instead I saw "Daniel and Max at the Playground," which wasn't so interesting to me) and "A New Friend at the Clock Factory." I was happy to see those episodes and to see Max in action, and to know he appears in three episodes, however I was also upset and bummed out.
As I was watching the way Max was treated, positively and being respected and somewhat understood, and the characters were being patient with him, respecting that he needs time to adjust to things, to do things when he's ready, and understanding his sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights, while I was happy to see him get that treatment although it might not have been easy for the other characters to do for him, it did remind me of how I was treated as an autistic child and I saw some things Max got that I didn't get, well at least not right away.
Some of what I thought about and remembered were the times I was forced to deal with things, like when I was in the presence of balloons, when thunderstorms occurred, when I was moved to other classrooms when I was happy where I was, and when I wasn't given my space or wasn't left alone when I wanted to be and was forced to interact with others, and when others didn't want to do what I wanted and I had to do what others wanted, well not always so I'm not playing the victim, nobody likes victim-players! And being rushed to do things instead of in my own time! This happened when I was at home, in school, and some other places.
And when I would complain about some things, some things not all things, I would be told things like "deal with it" or "suck it up!" I did feel like no one understood me and that people didn't care about me, even told that was the way of this world, which I'll admit was right, but I ended up feeling like I had to suffer, even unnecessarily! And I had lots of criticism too.
I admit I didn't make things easier on other people either, be it my parents, my teachers, my one-on-one aides, my younger sister (who was a bully like DW,) sometimes I really was selfish, sometimes I was ungrateful, and I admit I've thrown temper tantrums, much to the annoyance and chagrin of others, and often got in trouble for it, and one one-on-one aid I had was very tough, and I felt like she didn't care about me, all she cared about was my work and education, and had no sympathy for me, and I'm sorry but I didn't like that, some of my other aides were nicer to me although my parents didn't like them, they liked the one I didn't like, and I'll admit I had times I wanted my aid fired, even expressed it but was told that wasn't my choice! And after more than two years, I got what I wanted, but I regretted it when it happened. No my aid wasn't fired, she decided to quit and got a new job. Thankfully I liked the aide better I had after her and I almost never threw a temper tantrum around her, she made me smile (not by telling me to, it just came natural to me.) But my parents were upset with me for being ungrateful, which I wasn't trying to be, and although I did intentionally do some bad things, I didn't mean to be so bad and I didn't want to be bad either, but I was, I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't!
Although I'm happy my aid left, I do regret what I put her through, I know she was only trying to help me, but all I thought about was "William," as my stepfather would tell me, and my stepfather was also not a very sympathetic person (he had a worse childhood than me, his dad died, his mother neglected him, he had to stay with his aunts and be raised by his uncles who made him think it wasn't okay for males to cry, thus trying to raise me not to cry, and my stepfather was very hard on me, even thought I was too young to be doing things like play with Legos, and even made me give up or stop doing things that made me comfortable! And my stepfather was more of a spanker than my mother was, even telling me at least one time he'd "blister my butt!" And before my aid left, he was very stern with me for trying to get rid of my aid, who admittedly helped me get 5As and 1B, and I was an honor student from the end of 9th grade through the rest of High School. It was because I didn't expect that aid to come back, I had a whole-nother aid in mind, someone new, and when she went on vacation, I had a substitute aid I really liked and wished was my aid instead. My stepfather also scared and intimidated me, and I wanted to tell him how I felt but didn't have the galls to do so, although there was a time I finally snapped off at him and got into a heated argument with him, and that did get me in trouble. And before you say "YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE YOUR STEPFATHER" and yes I know I should and I do, maybe not enough, but I know and understand he and some others did help get me where I'm at, but believe me if you knew my stepfather, you wouldn't like him either, even my mother and now my sister, who's actually his biological daughter, complain about him! And my sister constantly defended her father and got mad at me for saying mean things about him when I was only giving my opinion.
Now one time my sister wanted a balloon, but I didn't want her to have one and tried to tell her not to get a balloon, but my parents told me to shut up and they let her have one. I hated balloons because they popped and I hated the noise balloons made when they popped. But my parents let her have one and just as I feared, it popped, right near me! Balloons make me uncomfortable and once in Kindergarten my teacher was having a party and there were a lot of balloons in the room but I was scared and uncomfortable and cried. At first my teacher made me sit in time-out, but then later she sent me to the nurse. And when she and the class went outside, I stayed in another classroom but not for punishment.
Or when thunderstorms came, especially right before 6th grade, I would try to hide, I would try to close my eyes and cover my ears because I didn't want to see the lightning or hear the thunder, especially the big claps of thunder, those always got me and they made me feel paranoid, I even learned not to trust clouds as much because even clouds that didn't look like thunderstorm clouds, were. I not only didn't like being out in thunderstorms though sometimes I did let myself go out in them, I hated seeing them and being around them. I'm still scared a little of thunderstorms but I'm better with them now than I was as a teenager!
Plus my stepfather got annoyed when I would cover my ears, sometimes my mother got mad at me for it, but my stepfather would tell me "girls put their hands up, boys have to keep their hands down." But I didn't believe him or agree with him, but I didn't try to get contrary with him either. And I didn't agree with or hated the other things he said that girls do that boys don't do and now I know a lot of what he said was nonsense and I was right not to believe him! I even covered my ears when I found out the fire alarm was going to go off!
Well, was it autism or was it just me letting my fears take me over?
I would also get really upset when I was taken out of my comfort zone and made to go somewhere I didn't want to go/be or taken away from people I felt most comfortable with and sent to people I wasn't comfortable with, I even cried when I learned I was going to be moved to other classrooms. Any when my stepfather heard about me crying because of being inconvenienced, which I now know is part of life, he got very critical of me!
Basically I was seen as selfish, immature, and a nuisance, and it felt like nobody understood me although some said they did but I didn't believe them. I would even be interrupted and told to be quiet (and wouldn't talk when I was asked to or told to.)
And I had to accept those things that happened, or felt I had to. But now looking back, I'm finding much of what happened to me didn't have to happen and things could have been different, although thankfully I wasn't an autistic child in the 1970s (this coming from me watching the movie "Son-Rise" (1979 film) and I have to warn you that that's a very hard movie to watch, especially when you get to the part where you see all those kids in that building!
Now again before you start thinking I'm playing the victim, again I admit I've made things harder for others, including my family, my teachers, my aid, and others! Plus I'll admit I did have my good times too. My parents did do good things for me, as my mother said, I was talking to her about my feelings before I came and shared this depressing journal with you, and the conversation didn't go so well between her and me, I felt like she wasn't listening to me and like she didn't care, and I guess she felt I wasn't listening and didn't care but I was only telling her how I felt. After my conversation with her that didn't go so well, I felt more discouraged! But she's right, she told me I tend to hold on to the bad times and how people in my life, including my parents, failed me, and I don't think enough about the good times I had and the good things they and others did for me. And she's right, no maybe about it! I admit I do tend to focus on the negative things and remember that bad things more than the good things, I'm not gonna lie or try to hide that. I want to hide it but I cannot for honesty sake and because I don't want any of you thinking less about me than you're already going to! People who don't admit their mistakes get less respect and I want respect! And my mother was trying to make me feel better but I guess I didn't let her but I did want to be heard and understood.
And there were times I was excused from things, like pep rallies (I thought they were too noisy for me, and my aid, the one I complained about, did let me away from them. But did I go and draw pictures and read train books? No, I used that time to do homework, something else I don't enjoy but I said to her "I'd rather do homework than be at a pep rally!" About that, unfortunately when I went to a new high school, they made me go to the pep assemblies! My aid was nice enough to let me do some other things too as tough as she was and there were times I did like her! Another time I was excused from something was when one of my 10th grade classes went on a field trip to a college, which I later attended, this was in 2002, we went into the college gymnasium and a concert was about to go on. IT did get loud and I covered my ears but what I didn't expect and what freaked me out was an explosion! Well it wasn't real it was simulated but it was super loud, and I just couldn't stay in there, but thankfully my aid (the one I had after the one I complained about) was nice and selfless enough to take me out of there, although now at times I feel guilty for making her miss it. And I could have easily been forced to sit through that, but that was one of my more fortunate times! But I guess I was selfish and should have just dealt with it as uncomfortable as that made me!
My mother also reminded me that there were times she and my stepfather stood up for me. She also reminded me of the hard times she had as a kid and the hard times my stepfather had. She also reminded me that others have had it worse than I have and there are people that have it worse than I do, including many of you reading this. If it seems like I don't care, I am sorry if I'm putting you under that impression, I do care, my mind just isn't in the right place at the moment but will be! And I do tend to be self-centered at times, which nobody likes, I don't like self-centered people! I've even had people I tried to help but they were nothing but negative and rejected my advice, including another railroad crossing fan like myself!
Like I said, I was happy to see Max and to see new autistic characters, but after seeing him and some other fictional autistic characters, I have been feeling bummed and wishing I had gotten these same treatments myself. I guess I got envious and jealous! I mean I was happy for Max, but I was jealous too!
And I know I'm not the only person who had these and other similar problems, and I know some of you other autistics had it just as bad as I did or worse than I did. Plus Max was in a cartoon for little children where characters HAVE to be treated a certain way onscreen. My mother told me that that character probably has it just as bad as I do, I and others in similar situations. And I'm sure now other characters like Julia, Carl Gould, Sean, Pablo, AJ Gadgets, Ben, and Liam go through really hard times offscreen and like us real people will continue to, although Liam (remember Liam from Dino Squad) was shown being mistreated. And you don't think Demetre Adams doesn't go through hard times? Of course he does, he has to go through the same things I go through or have been through, Cody Carpenter too! Demetre and Cody get bullied, mistreated, walked out on, etc! And so will any other autistic OC I come up with and I plan to make at least on more for another fandom!
Now I wonder, do I really want an autistic Loud House character? I kind of still do, even if it's not going to be Cody (I gave up on that,) I hope they do make some autistic character but will probably never happen! And like I said, maybe no more autistic cartoon characters for a while!
I better just wrap this up. I am sorry everyone, I really am, I know a lot of you are mad at and annoyed with me right now and must think I'm an egotist, a big baby, a whiner, someone with resentment and grudges (and I admit I have trouble forgiving others at times and have trouble letting go and I can be negative.) But I'm sorry I sounded like a baby, I'm sorry I sounded annoying, I'm sorry I sounded or seemed selfish, I'm sorry for seeming ungrateful, and I'm sorry for other things! I never meant to annoy anyone although I know I did! And I know I'm not the only one suffering, everyone is! And I know everyone has things they wish happened differently than they did! Like I said, I was just envious and jealous of Max and possibly other autistic cartoon characters, and maybe real autistic people that might have been treated better, and I know there are/were autistics treated worse than I have. In fact, I'm sure some of you fellow autistics understand what I'm saying and feeling and may have gone through the same things I mentioned (like feeling misunderstood or feeling like no one cared for you or respected you, making you "deal with" or "get over" or "suck up" things! In fact, please feel free to share your past dealings and traumas in your comments. I may not understand all of them but please share (and try not to play the victim.) I'll also take advice but please don't be too hard on me or I might not listen! I'm still feeling a bit bummed and discouraged and I don't want anyone to make it worse (why do I get the feeling some of you are going to?!) Plus, as selfish as you may think I am, I have my regrets too and things I wish I had done differently too and did things I'm sorry about!
I just had to rant but thanks for reading this. Again, please share your experiences and what you've been through and things you wish went differently, I might just understand you, and if I don't, others reading what you wrote might. Oh and please don't be so mean to or hard on or destructively critical of each other, let's all show respect to each other please! I'm serious!
UPDATE a few hours later: The conversation my mother and I had didn't go so well because my mother was in pain, she wasn't trying to be apathetic with me! I probably would be have been impatient with you and others too if I was very sick or in much pain! And hopefully I would have regretted that too!
Thanks for reading. Kindly comment please!
08 Apr 2021, 2:41 pm
A usually a less accurate depiction of living with autism whenever fiction is trying to depict autism.
