Okay, my satirical review of 300.
300
Review By Lenny Moult
(OT: It's just a pseudonym, just my twisted movie reviewer persona)
Oh, how I long for the days when gory historicals just meant a few hundred badly-dressed extras, and a few buckets of Kensington Gore*. When actors declaimed their lines in a dignified, Shakespearian manner, rather than a shout that sounds like the malodorous cacophony that young people call music nowadays. The rot set in when some little upstart called Kubrick made that film Spartacus. Then, that other w***** Ridley Scott had to go and 'revive' the genre with Gladiator. I do not call it a revival as much as necrophilia.
And now, Zack Snyder has made 300.
First point of issue: the title. No self-respecting film has any numbers in the title. Indeed, no self-respecting film would have a title that was just a number. But I digress.
This waste of good celluloid was based on a comic by one Frank Miller. I heard he is credited with the revival of Batman. That's another case of necrophilia, but once again I digress. All comics are a waste of good paper that can be used for newspaper, to tell people what is really happening in the world, instead of some imaginary one, or a screwed up version of history.
The plot is that King Leonidas is the king of Sparta. Well, not exactly 'Sparta', but rather 'SPAAARRRRRTAAAAAAAA!! !!' He is told by a messenger that King Xerxes of Persia demands tribute of earth and water, or else Sparta will burn. And in the face of all diplomatic sense, Leonidas screams in his face, and kicks him down the well.
Hilarity ensues.
I won't bore you with everything I hate about this film, just some highlights:
*There's enough blood to recreate the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I reviewed back in '74 (editor: yeah, he gave it four puke-buckets).
*The Spartans are depicted as ridiculously muscled he-men with muscles the size of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and casting Daisy Wenham as a Spartan was the worst casting decision since Ed Wood cast his chiropracter as Bela Lugosi.
*King Xerxes is portrayed as an effeminate gangsta covered in so much bling he can hardly walk, and the Persians are portrayed as monsters, when they were really (racist tirade edited by editor).
*The backgrounds are too arty-farty and unconvincing.
*The mangled rendition of 'As Time Goes By' during the Warner Bros logo.
*The rock music. The ancient Greeks didn't have no bloody rock guitars and synthesisers!! !!
This sordid film is 111 minutes of imbecility, and only cack-heads should go watch it. I suggest wearing cotton-wool glasses to help soak up any blood your eyes will bleed.
RATING: 5 decapitated heads.
Note: This review of 300 is satirical in intent. I invisaged my fictional film critic as a mix between Roger Ebert, Mary Whitehouse, and Malcolm Muggeridge.
*Kensington gore is this, from Wikipedia. Python fans will be familiar with it from Sam Peckinpah's Salad Days and the Black Knight Sequence.
Quote:
'Kensington Gore' was also a trademark for fake blood used in films and in theatre. It was manufactured by a retired British pharmacist, Mr John Tynegate, during the 1960's and 1970's, in the village of Abbotsbury, Dorset. Many varieties of blood, having various degrees of viscosity, shades and textures were available. Since Mr Tynegate's death, the name "Kensington Gore" has become a generic term for stage blood.
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11 Jan 2008, 12:54 am
