Introduction + Rambling.

Post Reply New Topic

Hi and welcome. Your point about humour being used as a means of belittling and controlling is a valid one, but bear in mind that it's not all humour. I think the main humour used is sarcasm. I think the reason people let 'humorous attacks slip through is because they want to reserve the right to play the game themselves. You see generally it is in a group that one person attacks another weaker person and the rest don't step in, they just watch. I think you need to realise that what you are partaking in is an energy attack on another person. The main point is that although it may feel good to take someones energy by belittling them with jokes etc it is not the kind of energy that lasts and energy attacks do not always work in your favour. For instance, in workplaces I am always the one who is attacked, but I will always defend myself against this bullying and manipulative joking. But the attacker is not aware of why they are even attacking, so they keep attacking, even though they rarely win. My point is that it is your choice if you want to play this game. But please do not try to tell yourself that it is the right thing to do. Making another person feel like they are beneath you is never right.

It seems like your problem is not having goals or interests to be passionate about and work on.
Doing things that you like is not a bad thing. I think self sacrifice to a great deal is a bad thing though. My code of conduct is to think about myself AND other people in my daily actions. Which means I would not do things that threaten other people, just as I would do my best to not put myself in threatening situations. But it sounds like

When you talk about the escapism and quick-fix mentality of society, be aware that you have the ability to do something about this. No matter how small your contribution would be, it still matters. There are also other people out there who do work on changing things in society - there are human rights activists, there are people involved in politics (because they feel passionately about politics being a method to change society), there are people volunteering to help homeless, refugees, etc etc. But saying all of that, even giving up your seat on public transport for someone who is pregnant, sick or disabled makes a difference.

Your point about being attacked for being out-spoken on opinions. I think putting any opinion out there that you strongly believe in is a good thing. Basically it may be attacked and shot-down, but it still has some impact... maybe people are listening to the debate, maybe the person shooting it down will remember that. Also I do know what you mean about people not encouraging anyone to be passionate about things, but I think being passionate is a great thing. When I bring up important issues that I am passionate about I try not to bring up many points about them in one time. I have always thought a good point about the death penalty is that someone has to carry out the death sentence and ultimately by doing so that person then becomes a murderer - they are taking someone's life against their will. It seems ridiculous to punish someone for killing another person by killing them, but more so, what happens to the previously innocent person who has been told by the state to kill someone. I think they by carrying out the death sentence they are being forced to cross a moral line in their mind, one that they can never come back from.

I have actually figured out there are some people you shouldn't be around. When you talk of your father sucking your energy, I think it sounds like he is not a good person to be around. I know people talk about the importance of family, blah blah, but sometimes you do need to look at self preservation as being more important than any genetic ties. Plus I think people having to be close to their family just because they are genetically linked is kinda silly. It doesn't take into account actually having anything in common with them, respecting their opinions etc etc.

Something I had to work out is that we are responsible for our own lives. It doesn't sound like you are enjoying yours, so I would think about planning future goals, getting out and exercising, reading... basically just making sure you put aside time to do things you enjoy. And make sure you aren't using up all your energy just trying to fit in. I know what's it's like to feel alone, but I think you do need to accept that you think differently from a lot of other people. I know that you can't be yourself around everyone, there are lots of people I realise I have to be guarded around, but there are some people who you can be yourself with. Basically I think accepting that we all have flaws is a good start, but also realise that it is not necessary to play the power game to fit in.

"I find I'm nodding my head in agreement and empathy frequently as I go through your post. Obviously you can't see that, but I'll try to respond with whatever comes to mind. I'm not sure yet whether I will end up writing a great deal or just a little bit. The thing is, it was almost startling just how much of what you talk about here could have just as easily been written by me at one point or another. Beyond that, some of the troubles of which you speak are observations or experiences about which I've seldom told anyone, not with any level of detail. I'm encountering it quite a challenge to respond at all, because so -much- of it resonates with me, so you'll have to forgive me if whatever I come up with seems stilted, insufficient, or vague."

Thanks for taking the time to read it. I'm glad to see there's someone that has similar thoughts.

"Whether or not you have Asperger's Syndrome is not something that is apparent to me, from your post. Your ability to detect sarcasm and get through life fairly well does not disqualify you from a potential diagnosis, I can tell you that much."

Oh there's no doubting that. I'm just timid to slap a label on my way of thinking. I just recently was diagnosed and I had some symptoms of Asperger's.

"What's clear is that you are very alone and thinking very hard. We're all alone, to one degree or another. The existentialists tell us it is inherent to our human condition. But I share your concern and I think you are right to fear for yourself right now. The state you're in is potentially fatal and I don't think you need me to tell you that. Somehow you've got to break out of where you are and touch someone who understands even halfway what you're experiencing. (By "touch" I don't mean literally, necessarily. My hunch is that you'll know what I do mean.)"

It's so hard to convey what I'm feeling and I feel as if it is futile sometimes to describe it, because people are not hardwired to receive the ideas the same way I would. Yes, I too hope that I can make someone understand but it's becoming more of a task because I can barely understand myself.

"I'm just now exiting from under that cloud, so I am not sure I am experienced enough to direct another in the same way. I'm not even sure I can safely be said to have "made it" yet. If you were born to think in the ways and with the patterns that you are currently thinking, I don't think you can realistically expect more than a few brief reprieves here and there, from the difficulties that your thought patterns impose on "normal" interaction. I could be wrong, but this is my experience. When I'm happy and loved, it is less difficult to depart from those thoughts and join the world for brief periods. But for me it is never easy and I suspect it never will be again."

I strive for finding some kind of universal truth - some way to bring myself back down to the level of everyone else, but that would require a great deal of delusion. So I contend that delusion and blissful ignorance is a lot of what makes this species go forward. I realize that there are individuals with higher intellect that are more like-minded, but I still feel as if nobody is truly outside of themselves and fit my version of empathy. And I fully recognize that reality is what it is, and my romantic notion of the world is simply me. I know that what I say or do may change things in a small way but I believe there are certain ideas that just get lost with the average person, because they haven't given it an extraordinary amount of thought. So I've been thinking desperately of ways to delude myself, but I don't want to do it to the point where I come off as stupid. Fantasy is what has been getting me through the day.

I've searched for all things hopeful: from the pseudo scientific to the drug-related. I've looked for some kind of universal thread that unites everything, so I've entertained myself with ideas of "positive energy" and there a consciousness that we all share. Basically stuff to give me the illusion of there being some kind of truth out there.

"You have experienced a worsening of symptoms over the years. I identify with that, too. We have more factors to balance and calculate as our innocence is replaced with something else--something that requires more work to integrate into our program. We crave order and it is no small trauma to realize that much of what we thought was orderly is in fact not."

That's right.

"My advice...

Go easy on other people. You're already observing their patterns in yourself to some degree, but even when they do things that you cannot comprehend, there is more peace in accepting the existence and the details of all that is beyond your locus of control, just as it is, than in mourning that which is not. Give them every benefit of any doubt. Much of what you observe depends on the angle from with you are observing it. Be secure enough to value what they have and what they see, instead of measuring them by your standard."

Well, one thing I've realized is that waving negativity in the face of people (or being slightly cynical) is a way of driving home a point. People are fearful of cynicism, and it's a way of instilling fear and consequently gaining some respect. I'm not sure if going easy on people is the best way to play the game. But out of guilt, I feel the need to be empathetic mostly, even if empathy is needless. Yes though, I'm aware that I should be easy on people for the fact that they don't think the same way that I do (and that's inevitable), but I feel as if they are hard on me if I don't comply with the status quo. So I have to convey my ideas out of anger and with force very often.

"Keep your ideals, but be master of those ideals, never their mourner or their slave."

Why's that? I'm really no longer interested in getting my ideas across because I don't realistically see them coming to fruition. Shouldn't I be worried about how to stay as happy within this current existence, which would mean me finding out the best way to stoop to the level of everyone else? I'm not going to abandon my ideas completely, but I think a true intellect would accommodate the reality for optimal happiness (but maybe not). I believe very much in pleasing the self.


"Try not to be bothered by "manipulations". Deconstruct the mythos and acquaint yourself with reality, but don't despair when reality isn't as pretty as the impressions we had when we were young."

It's hard to not be bothered by the manipulations. Partially because I feel as if I'm opening myself up for quicker death. My reasoning is: the individuals on top are the ones instilling all the guilt, increasing the stressors in other's brains, making them doubt themselves or become subservient to their requests, wearing them down - making them exert more energy.

"I feel like all of this, you probably know already. I'm practically paraphrasing your words. But maybe it will help to see someone else say it, too? Or maybe I've got it all wrong and none of this speaks to you at all. Smile"

No, you're right. I did light upon realizing that you had such a similar grasp of what's going on in my mind.

"Of those who think in similar ways to yourself, I'd wager most of us use drugs. Some of them probably do help, for a time. Not necessarily the legal ones. Survive, please. Do what you have to do, to do that. In my observations, though, avoiding drugs seems to facilitate faster adaptation and increase chances of survival. Plus, sober, you're more easily reached by anyone who might happen to need your aid."

The judicious use of certain drugs might help me. The idea of these drugs of potentially making me blissful throughout the day are all that make me happy. I also have heard of accounts of safe drugs 'expanding the consciousness' but this could all be nonsense.

"Yes, it's all a mess... there's some level of peace that can be achieved, and with hard work you can even change the shape of the mess. But a mess it remains. So far it seems to me that the best we can do is be fearless and sway in the winds of chaos."

Perhaps.

"Ah, and read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. There aren't any solutions there, either, but it'll give an idea for a possible framework to make some method in the madness."

I will. Thank you.