Hrm...I donno if I'm in the right place.

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My wife and I had the same issues, and it didn't work out for us. But I think if we had known about AS early on it would have helped tremendously. I'd like to think that many of these issues can be compensated for with a slight change in outlook. Like you said "Things like a girl doesn't always want a practical gift for every occation." She loves music so I bought my then wife a very nice set of earphones and mp3 player for Christmas and Valentines Day. Later she complained that it wasn't a romantic, since it was a gadget. The lesson I got was I could have saved myself days of research, hundreds of dollars, and a lot of anxiety and just bought some dead plants. When something doesn't fit your expectations, try to remember to look at why he does or says something.

Another issue we had that was common was my being too blunt and hurting her feelings. If you have a big butt, don't ask if a dress makes your butt look big . We also had a major problem with argueing in circles. Where most couples concentrate on getting over or resolving an arguement, you'll need to look at the arguement itself to try and find ways of understanding each other quicker and with less confusion. Both of you may need to do things that make you uncomfortable, like being willing to stop in the middle of an arguement to let feelings cool off, or use writting methods to communicate.

I haven't read Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome, but I liked Asperger Syndrome - A Love Story. I don't know that it would be a great deal of help or not, but at worst it was an excellent read.

His vocabulary?
Hi.

Welcome to wp. Hopefully we can help you out with some of your questions. As an aspie married to an aspie, its a different world.. just seems normal to us. Perhaps you can give some insight on the neurotypical mind as well. I doubt he is clueless as some of your friends may have said, he just sees the world in a different way and in a different light. I know speaking for myself, I just love to give as much information as i possibly can. A lot of WP'ers do. At your service.

by the way nice name, Its not every day i see another 'cora' anything. Cora's my name, or Dawndeleon as i am known here. I always get excited to see that name anywhere i go.

I like Cora too, but unfortunately it is not my birth name. Cora Sandel was a Feminist Norwegian Writer from the turn of the last century. I enjoyed her books in college, though some are out of print now.

Again I really appreciate the feedback. And yes, I don't always feel he is as clueless as he is made out to be, sometimes I think he plays that angle because he can get away with it.

It's funny to think of an Aspie and an Aspie together and what that is like privately. I know when E and I spend a lot of time together it is an adjustment to hang out in the NT world again. Sometimes a relief. And then I miss him again and the way we communicate.

I feel like our relationship and the way we relate is very condusive to the artistic process. Maybe that is because he seems to lack emotional judgement about things. His responses seem to be logical and truthful. I feel a certain freedom working on projects with him.

I guess the down side of our coupling is that I usually need more. He doesn't seem to need much emotionally, nor does he need the affirmations that I do in the relationship. He also takes for granted the obvious. Like he'll repond when asked' "Do you Love me?" with "of course I love you." Or "of course I want to spend time with you." And I say, "but you rarely verbalize these things so how should I know?" He seems to find it confusing that I need these verbal affirmations as if I should be able to take for granted that the nature of our relationship is romantic therefore one of love and desire to be together and that verbalizing this on a regular basis is pointless or unnessisary.

Also the passivity. I am usually more ready to make decisions and move forward with things. He has to think over things much more and has a hard time making decisions and gets confused about them often. Or out of passivity or confusion will make commitments that he's not 100% behind. I feel like I have to give him a lot of time and really listen to his words.

And someone else mentioned the circular arguments. Ours are not so much circular arguements as discussions. Often times he ends these with "Well, that's how things are and I don't know how to change it" or "What do you want me to do?" And then I have to sit, (like a day or two), on it for awhile before I can be specific. It's like every disscussion (outside of gossip, which he loves or our work) has to have a solution or point. And sometimes emotional discussions are just those, they are a way to convey emotions on a situation, not find a solution.

I guess the conclusion of this long post is that in general he seems to view his world more simply than I do and need less and that he finds my emotional needs confusing.

If he's open to it, get him to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It's not an aspie book but it does a pretty good job of explaining why men and women are different and what we need from eachother.

Actually, it might be worth your while reading it too.

An aspies strength is in his rules. Your above statement seemed to trip two of my rules.

1. Never agree to anything unless you agree. That is to say you can say yes to whatever you like but if you use the words "I promise" then you are bound by law to comply. My wife is well aware that I will never ever "promise" something that I'm not 100% certain that I can deliver. It is not wise to try to force a promise if none is forthcoming.

2. Decisions should be made quickly - my father introduced this rule to me. I am now quite a fast decision maker. Possibly a bit too fast. I also feel the need to stand by the decisions I make even if I don't fully support them anymore. It's a double-edged sword. Luckily I have a few rules about re-evaluating that trip under certain circumstances.

If you can get you husband to make and follow a few of these rules - and if you respect the rules, you'll know where you stand.

"His Vocab?"

I suppose I put this in a list of attributes that some I find endering and hope that later (5yrs from now) don't find annoying. And some attributes like the vocab thing I can find annoying now. His vocabulary is amazing but I don't want to have to have a dictionary definition of a word or words in a discussion. Which goes back to the not every discussion has to have a conclusion. Sometimes a discussion can be about expressing emotion on a topic, and in those moments defining obscure words in the discussion can be annoying.

Here is my list of attributes that I find endering followed by the list of "I'm learning to let go":
He has "ticks" which are kinda cute. Like when socially anxious or thinking he will tap his collar bone repeatedly or suck his teeth. He's even gotten so comfortable that he will tap my collar bone repeatedly when were lying together. He claims these to be attributes that drove his exwife of 10years crazy. I wonder if I will feel the same later. Like the sucking the teeth thing is fine except if he does it repeatedly for days over long periods of time I have to say, "the teeth" and he usually gets it. Oh and he rocks too. This doesn't bother me at all but in public I think other people take note.

Things "I'm learning to let go":
Saying exactly what is on his mind (no social edit button). Example: We go to a dinner party with my friends who are Indian. The Hindu side of this Indian family typically eat without utensils, as is custom. So we sit down to eat and are eating when he looks over then says, "ever heard of a fork?". This is when we very first started dating and I wanted to crawl under the table. But the gracious host explained Indian culture and we went on. I since learned that his responses are not a reflection on me.

Lack of facial recognition. Example: Two weeks ago we take my son to see a band that some friends are in for his birthday. As we sit down a friend from a potluck group joins us. She looks over at E and asks him how his arm is doing and about the hospital stay. (He had broken it a few days before). He politely responds and then begins to ask her who she is. Before he can finish she reminds him that her name is Paige and that she is at Kelly's pot lucks. He says "ok, oh yea!". What's embassing about this is that we've attended at least six pot-lucks with Paige there. Granted he's not had anything more than brief conversation with her but she greeted him at every one. And just a week before that we are at the club where he is DJaying when a guy comes up to say nice things about the last time he heard E's band and he spoke somewhat familar to him. E says, "And who are you?" I interrupt, "Remember he was at Willy's birthday party and invited us to his birthday party the next weekend?" This kinda stuff makes me wanta go AAAHHHHH! But I again remind myself that this behavior is no reflection on me.

I doubt it's uncommon for AS guys to settle into habits easier than NT guys. I know it was for me. Give him a kick in the butt when he starts getting lazy or whatever, otherwise you'll be stuck with entrenched habits.I would think you'll just get used to it, as will your friends. Of course, this can be really annoying if, while in an arguement, and you end up stuck argueing about what a word means. It seems such an obvious thing, but it's like... "I told you I love you... uhhh... five years ago, I guess..." If it hasn't changed, why repeat it mentality. Just keep reminding him that to do it, and he'll figure out it works, even if he doesn't get why.

That's definitly one to get over... I just avoid asking people who they are. If I interact with them long enough, I'll figure it out . But at least he's showing enough interest to ask. If you are going to a planned social event, make sure to tell him who will be there. In the situations which you described, you could also intervene, by slipping their name in without him having to ask. "Honey, you remember ...." He could also simply say, "I'm sorry, I'm horrible with faces... Do I know you?"

I'm not sure if that's the same as what I mean. I've had this issue with co-workers too, so it doesn't have to be about an emotional arguement. But, it was like my wife and I were out of linguistic sync. We both thought we were stating the blatantly obvious, and the other just not "getting it". Hell, I think a lot of times we were saying the same thing. We could argue for an hour, and just keep going around and around, both of us getting angrier. If you have any issues like that, you need to find solutions around it. As I recall it took awhile before they turned up in my marriage though.

If you want him to change anything, it is best to have specific concrete things you want him to do. Saying "you're too lazy" is completely useless. "You need to do more around the house" would problably confuse him. Saying "you need to keep up with the trash" is more helpful. "I'd like for you to keep a calendar and mark on it when to take the trash out".... Hell, just went from a huge arguement to "okay". Also, make it clear how important something is to you. "It really bothers me..." I've heard establishing a number system helps on that issue.

Oh I like the rules thing. I definately think that will help and the numbers thing as a guide line to establish importance. But I gotta tell ya the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing is really funny because sometimes I look at E and I think he has the most male afflictions. (I mean this in a spirit of humor). Thanks again.

And don't forget this can work both ways. Asking "are you sure?" is not only subjective, but implies a yes or no answer, when what you really want may be an explanation or even an idea of how much he's not behind something.

Feel free to ask anything. Between my broken marriage and gbollard's working marriage (jerk ), we might be able to come up with an answer that helps. And of course many other helpful folks around.