Hitting my head on a wall.

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maria, i think its great what you are doing - all the care for your daughter, she sure is a lucky girl.

i guess its good to try not to do "too much good" to her. i see how you can be all hyped up because suddenly, so much makes sense, you can put a name to it, etcetera... but remember she has to catch up with your mood and enthusiasm... its hard for her to read you, dont forget that. think what you would feel like if you were in a country with manners you dont understand and al anguage that sounds like blabber to you, and suddenly people start pulling at you, trying to make you do something... they may have the best intentions, even bring you to someone who can translate, but you would be frightened like hell by their fervour and enthusiasm because you cant read it, wouldnt you?

also, keep in mind that to her, everything is "as usual" - whatever happens to her, how people treat her and so on... thats how it always has been for her. i can see how she says that there isnt anything wrong with her. its from your vantage point where you see that her workings are different from everyone elses.
most of us do initiate the search ourselves - feeling misunderstood, routinely running into problems noone else seems to run into, or whatever other things make us start - we start looking for ourselves what is askew, and hence, we are glad to have an answer. to someone not searching but maybe seeing problems, being presented that something is wrong with them (cause that is how it sounds) isnt such a nice experience.
over here, i found out about aspergers (through an article in wired magazine) and told my mother about it - that way round, its much easier, obviously. later, my mother toldme that she often thought, when seeing me as a little kid, "if i didnt know better, id be sure hes an autist".
of course, i cant look into hayleys mind from what you write about her here, but to me, it sounds like your good intentions look invading, somehow forceful, maybe even violating... i dont know a good word to put it, as english isnt my first language... but maybe dangerous is somehow fitting.

go slow with her... and if you make advances, be very openly communicative abou it. dont assume that she knows things from context, or that she knows things like you not intending to harm or hurt her - to you, thats obvious because shes your daughter, but its not necessarily obvious to her. when you read around the forums here, you sure have come across the matter of being communicative in a blatant and open way.

hang in there, maria. i wish there were more parents that supportive like you. im lucky with mine, but there are lots who blame their kids for inventing stories to cheat their way through life. imagine how devastating that must sound to someone who just had that bling-moment when everything makes sense all of a sudden.

Hi English Rose it made me smile reading about your daughter as she sounds just like I was as a child, but unlike her I never knew and had no one there. Its great she has you and what you are doing, searching and finding answers will help you both.

She may seem to be not listening or not wanting to now, but she will be in her own way.. I can remember as a child I would often push away the things I needed most, being diagnosed has helped me to understand who I am and see how I affected others...

The key really is to embrace and learn to understand her differences, what ever they may be are apart of who she is. When I was diagnosed only last year it was the first time I truly understood who I really am... you can read more of my story and some of my child experiences on my site below, may help a little.

I honestly didn't see if from her point of view, i guess i was trying to thrust too much on her at once and the last thing i want to do is alienate her so i'm going to keep quiet about what i know i think until she asks me, if she ever does.
ASPlanet, i looked at your site and it is a wonderful oasis of information! And Gekitsu i am so glad you gave me an insight as to what i might be coming across to her as, i need to remember she doesn't think the same as me, i have always been friendly and polite and honest to a point it gets me into trouble *smiles* I'm going to step back and let her try to make sense of the world in her own time but just be there for her when she needs me

Last edited by EnglishRose on 30 Mar 2008, 10:10 am, edited 2 times in total.

Welcome to WP!

I always knew my son with different, and if you can understand it really helps so much. I did allow for my sons differences but was often criticized by others for his differences. You know your child best and what works do not let the social pressure of the stero type "norn" stop you from embracing these differences.

When to tell a child they say as young as possible, I do not totally agree with this depends on the child, and what support they may need. Having higher functioning children there is no real support here in NZ anyway. my younger child who is 10 is very over sensitive and really not ready to know or want to. I feel if you can help guild them and prepare for the world yourself it can work, it has for my sons so far.

My older son discussed just before secondary school, but knew he was ready to know and really needed to at this point. I feel parents who leave it to long can miss out, as these children often search and find out themselves, as there is so much information out there. I often hear from children who wished there parents had told them sooner.

When my son was diagnosed last year I was told I could pay for some sort of training, I know he would really hate this and feel pointless. Thats why I am adamant myself to help raise awareness, these children often do benefit from having an outlet to discuse there differences like here on wrong planet.

I do find with my own son when he does not want to talk or discus things with me, he is more than happy to discuss things with me on my forum. Generally have found these children will response better via email and this could be a alternative, fun way of discussing things between you and your daughter, as the serious discussions look me in the eye bit can be near impossible for some of these children at an earlier age - it was for me.

Update : -

I've spoken to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service Centre where her appointment is supposed to be .. she is looking at several months before she can see someone So as far as she is concerned, she is fine until a doctor says she isn't, regardless of anything i say! Stubborn Teens, i'll take 2 please! lol


Update 2 : -
Breakthrough, Hayley took one of the net tests on here and scored aspies, ocd, add/adhd and slight nt traits so now she feels something is there, her answer for it ... well, it's not like i am gonna die from it! woooot!

sounds good, kate.

her having a not too negative attitude is a positive sign, i guess. after all, no matter what label is going to be stucl on her, it wont change who she is. its not defining her in any way... the label can make certain things easier to cope with, because you can look up problems associated to that label, but it wont change who she is.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hiya all, i decided to talk to the special needs dept at my daughters school ... he wasn't in the least bit helpful, infact verging on a tad rude! I told him everything i could over the phone and he suggested she could be very depressed, just plain anti-social, a lesbian and even unloved! he suggested i pay for a private psychologist and if i loved her i would! so said i would try and badger the nhs psychologist with whom she is waiting several months for an initial consult and he relied, well that is all well and good but i would think they would say well you waited all these years and did nothing, whats the rush now? My daughter is very withdrawn after events at school where she is being bullied that i am seriously playing with the idea of Home Education for her.

Love Maria

gosh, what a weird list of suggestions O_o its like him screaming "no! no! dont come to me talking about stuff i dont know anything about! i have four almighty causes ready that can cover all problem situation a pupil could possibly ever have! LALALALALALALALA!"
nah really... sometimes, it astounds me how some people got the jobs they do.

Hiya again everyone, i hope you are all well .. over the last month or so i finally have an update for you about my daughter, Hayley

She has now been diagnosed with OCD, Aggrophobia, Depression and Aspergers Syndrome. She has been prescribed Prozac and has a long journey of psychiatrist sessions.

Thank you for all your support in the early days of this journey of discovery and i hope you all have a wonderful christmas and best wishes for 2010!

Maria x

And a Merry Christmas to you!