New member with husband who may have Asperger's

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Rubyred
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08 Oct 2008, 11:28 pm

Hi - I have been doing some research on this mysterious disorder the past few days. My husband (prior to us getting married) had mentioned, almost as if in passing, that while in University he saw a counsellor who suggested he may have asperger's. I was a bit concerned at the time he told me this, but did nothing to really educate myself, nor thought he actually had it (talk about making a decision without all the information).

Now 4 years later into our marriage, which the last 2 have been very challenging, I have felt very neglected, lonely, like my affections and love and desire to listen to the other are never reciprocated. What compounds the loneliness is that he works out of town for 4 weeks and is home for 7 days - if I'm lucky.

On his most recent trip home we took an overnight trip to a resort town. We started arguing - due to the fact that I couldn't read the map fast enough for his driving (which happens ALL the time) and it was making him more and more agitated, which in turn completely de-stabilizes me. I get hurt, cry and try to tell him that I am doing the best I can and that he doesn't have to get so upset with me. Before we got too upset, we decided to "just have a nice time and start over" as we typically culminate each of these argument, and this to me is no solution, but I agree to try and have fun. We walked along the beach - him 10 feet in front of me, me falling behind. We exchange a few meaningless sentences. Finally I ask him if he ever wonders if there is so much left unsaid between us. This starts us talking - finally.

He tells me that he needs help, not with just maps but with everything, that he feels like he's doing it all alone. I don't understand why he feels like he is doing it all alone, but I tell him that I feel the same. We are both doing it alone, getting no help from the other. Why do we feel that way?

I explain that I feel like I am failing because I feel constantly tested by him, pushed to do more, and feel like I get no empathy for the strain it takes on me. (We have moved from 2 provinces in the past 6 years in which I have always left behind a fairly good job and still always found I have landed on my feet with an even better one with each successive move - however, still extremely stressful constantly moving, changing jobs, re-adjusting with family members getting farther and farther away). He tells me he can understand where I am coming from.

He explains that he feels like he is constantly seeking my acceptance and fears rejection. That he needs help with his feeling of loneliness. He also says that he fears I may go insane because of what I think to be natural fears of having children in our present situation. That he wants kids because he is adopted and he is somewhat estranged from his family and wants to have someone be a part of him. Or because of my reservations about leaving current jobs to move to another town/province, etc. In my defence, I tell him, that we have been in transition almost all of our lives together and I need some stability and set down some roots once and for all before I can make a decision to have children. He said he felt that we are settled here, now. (I do believe that where we are now is where we will stay - I don't think that this is part of the issue, but rather a circumstance that complicates the issue - but I could be wrong).

We cry - tell each other we love each other and promise to keep talking like this.

A few days later I ask him how he thinks I will go crazy, that I want him to expand upon that (because secretly I don't think it has any validity). He starts to get a bit defensive and says that he doesn't understand why we need to analyze it, that I shouldn't take things so literally. I looked him straight in the face and firmly said "that is not how I work - if I need to ask you a question about something you said 2 days ago, that is my right". He was taken aback a bit, and almost in the same breath spoke of reading an article he came across about Asperger's and how he really identified with it. He said that when I asked "how" he thought I would go insane, to him he thought I was asking literally "how" when what I meant was "why".

We talked a bit about the disorder and then he asked me if I still love him. Of course I do, and reading some of the emotions that NTs go through with their AS spouses, I certainly identify.

I am so afraid that I will not be able to cope with this. I am a very affectionate person who needs her man's attention. Before he came home on this trip I had horribly and mistakenly had a one night stand due to my loneliness and desire for male companionship (having an exchange that I haven't had for so long, for god sake...that is how it happened. I just wanted to keep talking!!) Thus, the complications are so profound that it is hard to know what to do next. I had started seeing a counsellor right after the infidelity, but I have yet to tell my husband - I wanted to get my head straight about how I felt, then the AS thing comes up. Now I have so many emotions that I am a wreck.

Anybody with some good suggestions or comments - please, I am all ears!



Esther
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08 Oct 2008, 11:45 pm

Oh god. Rubyred, I wish I was a friend of yours and I would be with you right now hashing this out over coffee or tea. I know exactly where you're coming from, yet cannot give any solid advice.

All I know is I cannot blame you.

OK. I'll try. If you decide to tell your husband and you both find that the marriage is worth saving (and I truly hope this is what happens), then please go get counselling, preferably from a therapist who specializes in AS/NT partnerships.

Good luck.



gbollard
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09 Oct 2008, 12:51 am

Rubyred,

I'm an aspie husband with an under-appreciated NT wife. I know what you're going through - though my wife (she's on here as jbollard) would be better placed to answer you. She doesn't read the forums as much as I do, so a PM might get a better response.

Married aspies need training and we need to be told up-front and in no uncertain terms what is expected of us.

Have a read of my blog... especially my recent series on Letter writing in relationships.
My wife and I found that it really helped us - in fact, it saved our marriage.

Letter Writing in Relationships - Communicating in Aspie - Part 1
Letter Writing in Relationships - Communicating in Aspie - Part 2
Letter Writing in Relationships - Communicating in Aspie - Part 3



Magliabechi
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09 Oct 2008, 2:46 am

Hi and welcome to Wrong Planet RubyRed,

Remember that AS is not a 'disorder' it is a condition and a form of difference that brings with it a pattern of both strengths and weaknesses. The most important difference between aspies and neurotypical people is that we need to learn social relations consciously and deliberately- whereas you absorb this knowledge intuitively and instinctively.

Your husband will need to begin a process of studying social relations and in time he will understand you better. You will no longer feel that you are being tested. In turn you will need to develop an understanding of a way of seeing the world based upon reason and compassion instead of unreasoning social instinct.

You can both grow and develop together.

Take care,
Magliabechi.



Last edited by Magliabechi on 09 Oct 2008, 4:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ishmael
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09 Oct 2008, 4:09 am

This is a frequent problem. Men with AS either do not possess such feelings - like me - or, more commonly, cannot express them, I assume this would be your husband. He would still feel them, and perhaps be equally frustrated by your need to have what is already known to him expressed to you. I'm not too sure - I can't feel those sorts of emotions, and all people are an irritation to me. But, in my research, I have found out much.
Keep in mind the frustration would be two sided. Imagine it as vast cultural differences. It isn't a disease or anything like that; despite common misinformation. It is a genetic mutation resulting in a different cadre of abilities and capacities - most often equal, but alien. That is how this appears to be. Your husband is in no way detrimentally affected save by his presence in a world not suited to his genetics. My recommendation is to pursue more common ground. His differences are hardlined into his brain as much as yours are in your own brain.


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Tim_Tex
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09 Oct 2008, 4:17 am

Welcome to WP!


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Kelsi
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09 Oct 2008, 7:07 am

Rubyred,
If you both love each other and are committed to making the relationship work, then there is a very good chance that you will succeed.

However, as an Aspie, the one thing I could NEVER forgive in a relationship is infidelity. I have no idea whether ALL Aspies are likely to be less forgiving than NTs in this regard, but it wouldn't surprise me if this were the case. So, I don't know if your relationship would survive disclosure of this.



JetLag
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09 Oct 2008, 2:36 pm

"Hello," Rubyred, and welcome to Wrong Planet. Sincerely hoping that all things work out for you and your husband. All the WP best to you in the world. Take care now, keep researching, and hang in there.



richie
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09 Oct 2008, 3:24 pm

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JerryHatake
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10 Oct 2008, 5:08 pm

Nice to meet you, Rubyred. :) 8)


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HD3H
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10 Oct 2008, 5:09 pm

Welcome 8)



Rubyred
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11 Oct 2008, 12:44 pm

Thanks for the welcome. It feels good to know there are places like this. I am actually in therapy right now for my own part in this (whether my husband officially has AS or not is beside the point in this respect). I clearly have issues setting boundaries and I'm not sure if responding with anger is a common trait in people with AS, and what/why typically triggers a person with AS to respond that way, but I have spent most of my life with my husband following his lead on decisions because of how he felt instead of how I've felt. Whenever I had an issue or disagreed with him, he would respond with anger or resistance. I believe I've spent my entire life changing myself so others would feel better. Like I even have that power. Now we have become pretty darn comfortable in this dance. Well, if not comfortable (because I am on pins and needles most of the time) then at least familiar. I will be the change I want to see in my world. I don't know how this corresponds to him having AS, but if anger is a trait, he has his own stuff to work on and I'm not sure he will. I have been compassionate and understanding. The problem is, I feel like I give and I never receive. That gets tiring. Sometimes compassion turns into irritation after carrying on for so long in this manner.

Time will tell....



Olly
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14 Oct 2008, 7:16 pm

Hi Rubyred,

This is my first post on here and as I am trying to work out for myself if I have AS I may not be any help but after reading the bit in your last post about you being "on pins and needles most of the time" I thought I would say something. My ex used to say that she felt like she was "walking on eggshells all the time" as much as I understood what she meant we never tried to change anything, she even mentioned to me a few years ago that she thought I had AS after seeing something on the telly about it but we never did anything about it, normal life things just get in the way!

Everything you have said about how your relationship is fits with mine, but from the male point of view. The bit about the map reading in your first post, that is me!! she even bought me a sat nav so it wouldn't happen again, what annoys me is that I could see myself getting really angry but I couldn't understand why. I know that I really loved her and wish that I got some sort of help or understanding of AS before we fell apart. I could be wrong and I don't have AS but an awfull lot of stuff on this forum makes a lot of sense to me so I am pretty sure that I am.

You do sound a lot like my ex did before she left me, compassionate and understanding ect, all I can say is talk to him and try and get some sort of AS diagnosis, not sure how to but I am going to find out for myself, I expect you will have to pick the right time to talk about it to him, I know if it was me before she left I would of tried to put it off but knowing I would lose her like I have would of made me try to change and knowing that I had something "wrong" in my head would off helped me make sense of everything over the years.

I hope this helps, like I said I'm not sure about anything right now but if you still want to be with him then you got to give it a chance.
Cheers,
Olly



foxskifreak
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14 Oct 2008, 9:28 pm

hello and welcome.
i am the other half of the relationship that just wrote a note and moved out after 19 years. change is a little hard for me. Not that it was 100% me but maybe 70/30me. i so wish that i could communicate my feelings and be the cant live without you wife but i cant. if i try to, it is so fake. i work with the public and i am quite the actress all day long and when i come home i feel like i am going to go crazy if i dont hide under the stairs. that is not so good for a relationship. this, i do know.
good luck,
tamijo



Saffy
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14 Oct 2008, 11:23 pm

Hi Ruby!

I wanted quickly to give you a voice of hope. I only have a few moments to post since I have to run out the door to collect my (AS)hubby, from work
I am an NT woman and have been married for the last 10 years ( together for 12 ) to my AS husband. Like you, he and I have been through some pretty rough patches.. but it is possible to make it work, and work well for the both of you, if you both would like it to be so.
There are a couple of books that are worth seeking out that may make a good starting point for you " Aspergers in Love " and " the other half of Aspergers" Maxine Ashton. ( there will be those that do not like these books , because they do paint AS in a somewhat negative light I think ) .. If you can see past her bias to NT women.. and look at the very practical suggestions that she gives for communication and put those into effect .. it will help a lot.
Really your differences with your husband are essentially a communication problem.. on every level. YOu will not be able to solve this by simply talking more.. you have to both talk differently to one another You both " tick" differently. You can make your relationship work and work well .. if you are prepared to learn about AS and what communication style you need to learn to use to get what you need and to avoid conflict. Your husband also needs to do some soul searching and look at how his communication style differs from yours and see what you need also.
Learning to make an AS/NT marriage work is very much a joint venture, and I honestly think it is possible to come out the other end of it with a much stronger relationship and a far greater understanding for one another.
First and only tip for the moment .. " Be absolutely direct with him, use " I" statements.. do not be accusing .. be straight forward. He will not know how you feel unless you tell him..
Do not expect him to know how you feel with hints.. or gestures.. or even a sad/happy/angry expression.. he may miss it entirely. you have to say things in plain language.
he does not respond the way you expect, not because he does not care.. but because he does not either know how to respond, or he is blissfully unaware that you expect a certain kind of response.


State how you feel
State what you would like to see happen next time
State what you would like to have happen now.

Gbollards tip of writing things down.. writing letters to one another is an excellent place to start .. it really does work to get the lines of communication going.

I will keep an eye on this thread, welcome to WP Ruby, you will find lots of support and information here.