NT wants advice on possible friendship with young man w/AS

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Hi. I'm a middle aged NT newbie who has become acquainted with a just-under 18 young man, a student where I work. He is getting ready to graduate high school. He's brilliant and hilarious, can be social with a few peers (mostly playing chess and kicking their butts!). Lately, we've been hanging out a bit during school. He seeks out my attention and conversation. I'm older than his mom but I find him fascinating as a person and would like to have a friendship with him when he is 18. He has said he thought we are "close," and "friends or whatever." I would love my husband (in the tech field) to get to know him and to bring him to the company where he can meet a bunch of techies who are also brilliant and hilarious. At this point, I can't interact with him outside of the school because he's a minor. I want to. His home life is terrible. His dad split, his mom is a train wreck and does not care for him. His clothes are often dirty; school staff, including myself, have done his laundry for him, we offer food, etc...The school (not me) actually called Child Protective Services since the mom is so neglectful (ill from drug abuse, possibly moving towards death). The young man does have a sibling who he is very close with but he lives a few miles away and works alot and doesn't have the time to care for him in the way he needs. I'm feeling something I can't define- maternal, sisterly, and friends...and I can't act on it until he is 18. My question is this: should I "go there" with him? Should I offer him my friendship and support? I have no kids of my own, I'm "mom" age, I have resources and motivation to help him make his way in the world. Any college he transitions to will be very close to home, for now, as he does not want to move away from his mom although he does need to get out of the house. We're hoping he can move into the dorms.
I'm scared to act now because the powers that be in schools think adults and minors can't associate out of school- it's called an "inappropriate relationship." He won't be 18 until mid summer. But this boy is falling apart and has no support outside the school setting. I am happy to buy him food and do his laundry. I want to be his friend when he turns 18 and invite him into my social circle to meet folks who could help him find a job and such.
Should I?
I know he is happy when he hangs out with me. The other day, I walked with him to the school library and he started SKIPPING and SINGING.
It was trippy for me because most high schoolers are so self conscious. I haven't seen him melt down but from other staff, I've heard he's been melting down lately big time. I have seen lots of stimming and pacing lately. He also got irritated by my apple crunch the other day and I moved away. He's fine,of course, when he's crunching his own apples.
In the past when I have "befriended" students or gone out of my way to be helpful, I have gotten really hurt by them at one point or another (lied to, hustled, betrayed, etc) so I am leary of trusting. But those kids were "thuggy" kids. This young man seems honest and kind and truthful, so I'm feeling open minded about it.
Any advice you can give would be great. I got alottalove for this kid.
Thanks.

Last edited by ptown on 08 Feb 2009, 12:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Welcome to WP!

Merle

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet, ptown.

It's sad that society makes this inappropriate when you seem to only want to offer the support he clearly needs.
The best I can suggest in the meantime is to find someone who can acceptably help, maybe a school counseler or something.

He's a very lucky guy to have you around. I can understand waiting till he's 18', his mom may get jealous or something, you know when people see that someone else wants something of theirs...

hope it all works out. i don't know what to say about the stress levels, it's part of life. late teens is kinda stressful generally.

So you work at a school? He's really lucky. I've had mostly nothing but bad experiences from teachers and staff at my school, including one incident where the principle and her little ring purposely forced me into a meltdown to punish me. Ick.

You should keep on being nice, but be careful not to do anything that might accidentally get yourself in some sort of trouble. You probably were meant to meet that student for a reason.

Lev_is_me- wow, I'm so sorry to hear you've had bad experiences in schools. That's horrific to hear. Were those people General Ed or Special Ed staff? Yuck. Just reading what you wrote makes me sick to my stomach.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate the encouragement so far. He does have school counseling but that's during school. He really needs more support OUTSIDE of school, weekends, etc. I know I can't offer that up right now (I could lose my job) but I do plan to give him my email when he graduates and let him know that he can call me anytime after his 18th b'day.
Is that cool?
I've read folks with AS can't read others very well. Well, I don't want to mis-read him. I wonder if I'm imagining his want/need for my friendship?

...." but I do plan to give him my email when he graduates and let him know that he can call me anytime after his 18th b'day.
Is that cool?"

yes, sounds like the best way to go.

"I've read folks with AS can't read others very well. Well, I don't want to mis-read him. I wonder if I'm imagining his want/need for my friendship?"

oh interesting thought. i would think he'd be in need of somebody. guess you'll find out as time passes.

How rigid are the laws where you live, and your school's rules, and how rigid are the people who implement the rules? The purpose of the rules probably is to prevent sexual exploitation of students by staff, and to prevent the school from being sued if you are in the USA. If you try to bend the rules and hide that, you can't rely on getting away with it. If someone sued you or the school just for financial gain, you would have to expect everything you say and do to be twisted to look as bad as possible. Whatever you do would have to be above suspicion. OK, that is not strictly possible, just think of conspiracy theorists, but above remotely reasonable suspicion would have to be your aim.

That your husband would be involved should help allay suspicions of a sexual motive on your part. Introducing the student to the company should be permissible, if the rules are sensible. It may help to meet your student's sibling, perhaps invite both of them, when the sibling has time.

If you think waiting until summer and your student's eighteenth birthday would be a mistake, ask your school to coordinate whatever you do with them, and perhaps also with Child Protective Services. If they and your school are either sticklers for the rules, or only interested in covering their own backs, I think you would run a great risk if you anything other than waiting until summer.

Thanks Gromit and Postperson-
I agree that waiting until summer is best. I will do what I can within school boundaries until then and offer him my contact info and see if he chooses to use it.
Knowing him, he will probably lose it (my contact info) right away though. LOL.

Red flag topic

Why this particular "young" man?

I am suspicious, and if I am wrong, then nothing has been lost. If, on the other hand...

* * *


Anyone offering "friendship" to vulnerable persons needs a police record check. Then we know the "friendship" is genuine, and monitored.

sartre sue,
i'm wondering if you read my whole post because i said WHY he's not being cared for at home well enough (mom is incapable due to ill health from drug addiction, no dad around, etc...)= my husband and i have no kids of our own. we have time, money, energy, etc... to help out if needed/wanted since he is his mom's caretaker and can't even take care of himself.
you make a really good point. in this case, i've been police checked more times than one can imagine, working in different schools. i will not be talking to him outside of the school setting until he is of legal age.
why him? his home life is horrible and he needs a network of friends who have their lives mostly together. it would be really good for him to meet my husband and other brilliant computer guys and get a network of working friends who might be able to help him find employment or to be supportive while he struggles getting his college work done, and so on. but i do understand your point.

This is a bunch of crap, you are more proof that the average person in society is insane. Guys avoid certain professions like teaching for this exact reason, the paranoia of other women (and some men). This is exactly why I feel like disowning most of humanity some days. People like yourself are exactly why people are so callous hostile and living in their own paranoid bubbles these days, it's exaclty why there's no sense of community, it's a bunch fear mongering BS.

Any guy can tell you, they fear approaching any kid who looks lost for the accusations that would happen to them, it prevents people from doing anything to help anyone else because everyone is so paranoid about legal or reptuational repercussions, it's insane and I hope one day it stops.