I have a diagnosis but I HATE IT!

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Hello.

I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when I was 13. I have known that I am "different" since the age of 7 or 8 through intuition and experience with my peers. It sent me into a deep, ten-year long depression. My teen years were a wash. I had the good fortune to be accepted by a good crowd in high school but other than that I was deeply withdrawn and ended the second decade of my life with a massive psychotic breakdown that required two hospitalizations.

The last five years (I will be 24 in a week) have been good to me. I've stabilized and gained an enormous degree of insight into my condition, regarding both Aspergers and my mental illness. The latter is totally under control but as we all know (say it with me) THERE IS NO CURE FOR ASPERGERS. This is where my quandary starts. I have been reading a lot of self-help material to the effect that in order to be happy and effective, you've got to accept yourself the way you are. Makes sense, right? Of course all of these guides were written by people not suffering from a developmental disorder. And believe me I have suffered from it. I can accept myself all I want, but to my understanding, all that accomplishes is to make me a bigger target for peoples' intolerance and prejudices. I've gotten by well on the assumption that the less I say and the more out of the spotlight I stay, the better off I am.

Unfortunately, you can't exactly thrive in life by hiding yourself away like some kind of contraband. But I know from past experience that if I give myself away I will be insulted, mocked, and humiliated. Which really puts into the question the idea that I'm "okay the way I am." Maybe I'm not. But I don't know how to go about changing. I don't like it, but I figure it must be easier to change myself than to sit on my thumb and expect the world to change.

The real problem is that I am high-functioning enough to be able to empathize with people when they give me funny looks, because I know I am "strange," but something in my stupid brain is wired so that I can't do anything about it. It's like the "monkey-see, monkey-do" part of my humanity is missing or something. I'm a master of theory but a failure in practice.

So yes, I was diagnosed by a doctor after years of observation and therapy, and I cannot for the life of me understand those of you who have been actively seeking a diagnosis. If you have any reason to believe that you are not on the autistic spectrum, I say run with it! I have been trying to convince myself that I don't have AS for years.

Oh yeah, I'm new here.

The journey to acceptance is not an easy one. We actually can go through stages of grief. The first stage is shock and denial. For me, getting a diagnosis helped me to make sense of my life for the first time. Getting diagnosed at 13, unfortunately you did not get to experience that.

The advantage of a diagnosis is that you can get help. There are AS support groups, there are support resources and programs in your community that you might qualify for.

Don't give up hope. Just remember: You are more than your diagnosis. Put your diagnosis in a box and remember your positive qualities and strengths. Focusing on those can help you get through this.

I like pillbugs. The mothers take good care of their babies.

Pillbug, going through life as an undiagnosed aspie can involve just as much suffering, except you don't have a clue why people treat you the way they do, which makes it worse. For years I suspected it was some vast conspiracy, until I recently found out about aspergers. Then for a while I doubted my self-diagnosis, and obsessed on it, until i got formally diagnosed and put the question to rest.

I hope that makes sense to you.

Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I came off as a little exasperated in my post. Thank you for the replies.

I chose the name Pillbug because I can be very shy. I've liked them since I was a kid.

Anyway, I would like to accept myself since there is probably nothing I can do to change who I am. I just worry that others won't accept me.

You mentioned that was your first post, so Welcome to Wrong Planet, Pillbug.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice on self-acceptance for you. I hope you feel better about being an aspie by being in this great community - it certainly helped me!

Being exasperated is perfectly understandable given the circumstances.




Judo!

http://ezinearticles.com/?Martial-Arts- ... &id=159507

Martial arts help you build your self-esteem because you get to move at your own pace and succeed individually. Earning belts will give you a sense of accomplishment. They also teach you how to set goals and give you the confidence to reach these goals. Martial arts also teach self-respect and respect for others and give you the sense of relief that you will be able to defend yourself if you need to. Having these skills will give you an all-around confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Happy Birthday greetings, Pillbug, and welcome to the Wrong Planet community.

? Aw man.
I think of it as a benefit.
Always have.
I just love being an asperger.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Having a condition is one thing.
Being correctly diagnosed ( and therefore labeled) as having that condition is something else.

Going through life with a club foot is a disadvantage.
Having someone point out that "hey-dude you have a club foot!" is not a disadvantage (unless you make it so). In fact it helps -because if you're aware of your condition then you can adapt to it (so thats why ive been limping all my life!).

The world beat up on you because you were different long before you were diagnosed.

The world wouldve continued to mistreat you whether you had been diagnoised or not. Having the label cannot possible cause you any persecution that you were not destined to have anyway.
So stop bellyaching about having the AS label. The label is not a problem.
The proper response to the dx is not to wish it away- its to use it as a road map- so this is how im like nt's- this is how im different.
These are virtues that I have not- and need to assume- to succeed in nt society.

That is true, the label is just a label. It's the condition itself that bothers me. But you're right, since I can't make it go away I might as well do something constructive about it.

I'm not sure about martial arts, but I have started exercising. It is a definite confidence-builder to lose weight and gain strength.

I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.