still getting my head around everything.

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I have been finding myself going back and forth in my head about this whole Asperger's thing, since I found out I have it. I'm more perceptive of my own neuroticisms, my own social awkwardness, and seem to be picking myself apart. I don't know if it's because I just finally understand myself a bit better, or if it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I've read some of the articles on this website, and they make complete sense to me. Some of the questions will be like "how do I maintain small talk?" or "how do I keep a conversation going?". These are very real issues for me, and I find it liberating to know there are others out there that struggle with these same things. I feel like these things that come so easily to others are so difficult to me, and I am always misunderstood for it.

I have been going over the idea in my head of telling others around me that I have this. When I first found out and did some research, I wanted to tell my best friend right away. After thinking it over more and more I realized I didn't think I wanted her to know. Part of me is afraid of being viewed differently automatically because I have this disorder. I mean I know I'm probably viewed differently in general, but it's like if people know I have something then they will look for it in me. I don't want to be labeled.

When I come on this website and I read the discussions or the articles I feel like I belong somewhere. But in my real life situations, the disorder is making me feel incredibly alone. I feel too different. A while ago I did a registered personality test with my therapist, it turns out I have a very rare personality type. I did research on it and read some books, and turns out this personality type is only found in about 2% of North Americans. I already felt out of place when I learned about that, although I was happy to be so rare and unique, I did feel alone. Then I come to find out I have Asperger's and am even more isolated in my surroundings. While all of these things are helping me understand myself and get to know myself better, I am finding myself even more lonelier and more distant that I did before. I feel like such a minority, and that increases my fear of socializing with others.

I don't know, I'm just still trying to get my head around it all.

i have been exactly where you are quite recently. I figure that it is part of along process, and i hope that at the end of it i will feel exactly the same as i did when i started. I felt very happy living inside a bubble, the bubble was burst by a diagnosis and i realised i experienced the world very differently from the people around me, and sometimes this hurt people that i love very deeply.

unfortunately i haven't quite figured out how to not make aspergers a 'self fulfilling prophecy'. because as you take in more information that resonates with you you start to feel more at ease with these feelings and behaviors that you've tried so hard to suppress all these years.

i think the ultimate process of coming to terms with a diagnosis of aspergers is self acceptance and understanding. two things that i could not have possibly had without being diagnosed.

i feel that it's important to let your close friends know what you are going through. i told my 2 closest friends and my partner already knew because she was also seeing the therapist who figured it out.
all my friend said basicly was 's**t, that diagnosis must be really hard for you to get your head around'... but apart from that they didn't really care, it made no difference to them because before and after the diagnosis i am still the person that they made friends with years ago and whatever i'm called doesn't make a difference to them.
chances are the people around you won't take too much notive of your diagnosis because you probably make a pretty good job of covering up all of your behaviours so that probably think that perhaps you are just a little asocial or shy or like to have a lot of time on your own or whatever...

anyway i think (i hope i'm not being out of line here) but i think you are focused too much outside of yourself. about external factors, pressures that society puts on us, this is the reason self acceptance can be really hard because you are using a measure that is outside of yourself.

some more on the picking yourself apart and what not. i'm still going through that, but i found it is the quickest way to understand, just don't try to be so hard on yourself.
the best thing for me has been to choose role models that you can model your behavious on sometimes. it sounds weird after what i said in the last paragraph, but if i choose to model my behaviour on my best friend, it's because he has been a really good friend to me, and because of some of the things i feel, i haven't been able to be as good of a friend to him, so if i model some of my behavior on him then perhaps i can do that.

it sounds really labored, and almost fake but i always remember this experience i had in high school, when i changed schools i was a punk kid and i was incredibly awkward. i was at this school for 6 months sitting on my own most days.
anyway this guy made friends with me and one day he came over to me and said "hi, hows it going", and i just said "hello. good thanks." and nothing more and i just remember the look on his face. and i had no idea what it meant, and then one of his friends came over and said to him "hey man hows it going?" and he said "yeah good thanks, how are you?"
and i thought ah ha! thats why he was looking at me so weirdly, because i didn't say that back to him! and from that point on i made a point of saying hello, how are you? back to people, and it felt really wrong at first and awkward but now i do it all the time and it just feels natural. soo yes.

so this has been a long post probably as much for your benefit as it is for mine. maybe it will make some sense to you.

i would actually really like someone to email regularly to discuss these kinds of issues so if you are interested maybe you can pm or something.
well all the best

Hello, and welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, abee.

I went through similar feelings when I had my 'revelation' about Asperger's. Since then I've done an awful lot of thinking and reading about not just AS but a variety of subjects like
philosophies,ancient cultures,spiritualism and quantum physics.To my pleasant surprise,I've
discovered that all these subjects are inherently connected. I've come to realise that
ultimately everyone and everything in the universe is connected. I think the key is to try
and see beyond the divisions that we are all indoctrinated by society to create - autistic or 'normal',male or female,Western or Eastern,black or white etc etc. If we're all able to
see what connects us rather than the understandable focus on what divides us then things can eventually be seen in a better perspective.