Mom to a recently diagnosed Aspie

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Hi all, my name is Carol, my 4 year old son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and possibly more disorders to be determined. My hubby and I are kind of in a state of shock and quite possibly denial. I have been searching the internet and have found so much info that I am now overwhelmed. Hopefully I can find some answers here!!

Hi, Carol. Welcome. I hope you'll feel at home here. AS is not the end of the world. Love your child and enjoy your life.

Hi Carol,

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

You'll probably find all of the answers you need here - and mostly in the parents forums.

I'm an aspie myself and both of my kids are too (aged 8 and 5). They're doing well at school and I'm doing well in life. It's not all bad news at all.

We didn't even know about the word "aspergers" until about 5 years ago... and since then, I guess I've become a bit of an expert in it. As a parent, you have to. (and it helps if you end up diagnosed as one yourself).

The very best advice I can give you right now is simply to accept the label and move on in a positive way.

By "accept the label", I don't mean to suggest that you should take it as a set of limitations. It's not. Instead, take it as a list of descriptions which may or may not apply to your child. All children are different and while it's nice to have an easy word to describe a set of symptoms, they present radically differently from one aspie to another.

You might also benefit from reading through my blog (see my footer). My most recent posts have been about adults (relationships etc) but you'll find a list of topics on the right hand side. This might make it easier to find things that are relevant to your child and your situation.

If you need to ask any questions, feel free to PM me - or just post in one of the forums. I usually notice things with descriptive subjects.

Good luck.

Hi Carol,
Welcome to the Wrong Planet! I hope you find the support you need here. You can go over to the parents' forum to meet other parents of Aspies.

First thing I'd say is that there's nothing to be in shock about. AS, when you know how to work around its limitations, is a brilliant condition to have. And you've caught it nice and early, so you can avoid the pitfalls that crop up with, say, 26 years of non-diagnosed AS.

At that age - and going just by the things that I wish had been done had I been diagnosed as a child - I'd give three main points of advice:

- Don't ever let him get bored. Encourage his fascinations; if he finds a subject in school that he enjoys, encourage him to delve deeper. When he finishes his homework, encourage him to take it further. If he ever starts to seem bored by schoolwork, look closely at what he's studying and find some way of getting him to use it as a jumping-off point for more stuff. Regardless of what, try to ensure that there's always some kernel of interest, and make sure there's always something challenging him. If school becomes too easy (academically) it's all too easy to start coasting, and then he might find himself going off to university having forgotten how to learn. Always keep the challenge there.

- Encourage him to socialise. He may not be good at it - or he may be, it varies - but the more time he spends around people the easier he'll find it to programme himself for human interaction. Chances are he'll be pretty clever, so go ahead and help him figure out how to interact better with people; turn it into a research project if you can.

- Encourage him to go out and do stuff. I'm not sure if it's a common thing among Aspies, but I and several other Aspies I know have found ourselves fairly uninterested in physical exercise; sports at school, that sort of thing. Everything gets much easier when you're fit.

- When you talk to him - and I'm talking only from my own experience here - talk to him as you'd talk to an intelligent adult. Explain concepts he doesn't understand, but don't talk to him as if he's an ordinary kid.

The key thing, I think, is to keep him challenged. Intellectually he may well find himself head and shoulders above his peers, and the important thing then is to make sure he doesn't get complacent - and doesn't alienate his friends.

I had another thing too, but then my phone rang. Just remember this: Asperger is a rather fun condition to have, and as long as you and your son are fully aware of its downsides, you'll be able to recognise the problems and avoid them before they take over.

Best of luck, and for your son - welcome to the club.

A pleasure to welcome you to the Wrong Planet community, Carol.

Thank you all for the welcomes! I guess I should be posting this elsewhere but I have a couple of questions. First, we're looking into trying the gluten free diet. Our concern is that he is such a picky eater and some days all he'll take is chocolate milk with Carnation Instant Breakfast snuck into it without him knowing. What do you do when you've literally tried every food you can think of and he still won't eat? He's gone 5 days with nothing but chocolate milk (and carnation) before! I even made the mistake of force feeding him, won't do that again!

Second, I have read about and it seems to be the case with my son, that Aspies don't understand things like "it's raining cats and dogs" yet he has the best imagination I've ever seen. How is he able to pretend things literally all day but not understand things spoken to him unless they are "literal"? Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I've having a hard time getting it out right.

Like I said, I should probably post this somewhere else or at least search for the answer before I ask the question. TIA!

I forgot to say thank you for the advice! I'm printing out your comments to share with my hubby when he wakes up (he works nights) so we can learn everything we possibly can!

The lists of traits you'll find all over the net are common characteristics of Aspies; they're by no means universal. I'm an author; I rely on imagination and imagery, and when I was a kid I used to play pretend games all the time (still do, if nobody's around to think I'm being silly). Many Aspies find themselves clumsier than average; many don't.

It's quite possible for someone to have a great imagination with images but still have trouble with verbal imagery, like your son; there's a good chance he'll train himself to understand metaphor as he grows up, or he may just come to understand it naturally. Now, I'm just guessin based on what worked for me, but I'd suggest simply explaining it to him as he goes: "Yes, people say it's raining cats and dogs, but what they actually mean is that it's raining heavily. It's called a metaphor."

(Oh, and big words will, in my experience, usually help rather than hinder. Language can fascinate easily.)

As for eating... I'm a pretty picky eater; not that picky, but not far off. And it really won't help him in the long run - my life would have been much easier if I could eat the sort of foods that crop up often. So the best option would probably be to make sure he eats a very wide range of foods; be matter-of-fact about it, just say "Here's what's for dinner, no alternatives, eat this or go hungry." And then make sure you don't feel sorry for him and make a sandwich half an hour later - make sure he gets used to a broad range of foods. It's all too easy otherwise to slip into a habit of eating just certain foods, and it's no good in the long run.

Welcome.

Great thoughts from awmperry.

A lot of the aspie impairment is caused by bottlenecks in processing sensory information, especially sound and vision. We learn to use other parts of the brain to interpret the information, but this takes time and practise. Expect a lot of time lags and repetition.

On the other hand, other connections in the brain are stronger than normal, giving us some talents. It's a trade-off.

i have aspergers

if you want to chat with a person that has aspergers then can try to help you know what your kid can be thinking about things

send me a message and will give you my myspace page since i use myspace messenger

this is indeed the place to hang, since its full of aspies. while an informative website may have one take on it, this site has about 28 661 takes on it

here is one take:
hi! you seem awesome, im soon 30, and if i told my mother i was aspie, she would probably keep her denial
i think back, and i was simply accepted as a totally weird kid w no friends, to this day she refuses to accept that i have no friends, no job or anything. thats denial on an athletic level

(the only reason i managed to move away from home, is cus i live in scandinavia. welfare system all over the place)

He won't live a "normal" life - but then, I can't imagine he'd want to.

That, I think, is an important thing to bear in mind. Don't hope for him to be "normal", don't try to make him "normal". Being an Aspie gives a whole new perspective on the world, which in many ways is better than being normal. So... well, basically just see which way he goes and help him along.