N00b from Texas

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Hi y’all,
I’m Laura from Texas and for the last twenty-five or so years of my life, I have been accused of, been made fun of, and been ostracized by friends, family, and strangers alike for “not being right.” I’ve also spent the last twenty-five years hoping every night that I’ll wake up “normal” the next day, but that has never happened. I’ve always felt different and decided recently, after the birth of my son last February, to find out why. When I hit upon Asperger’s, something in my mind clicked and I felt like I was finally home. Lurking on Wrong Planet has also given me a sense of inclusion that I’ve never felt before in my life. I could have written so many of your posts from the experiences in my life. I’ve since stopped trying to act “normal” (which is SO exhausting) and have begun to be happy with myself and my quirks.

I asked my mom recently if she suspected something was different about me when I was little and she said that she did, but chose to ignore it because no one wants to hear that something is “wrong” with their child. Needless to say, my childhood and adolescence were miserable because my parents and older sister are NTs and always let me know that I was a great source of embarrassment to them, with my awkward movements and mannerisms, my inflexible routines, my clumsiness, and my extreme social anxiety. If I had a dollar for every time my mom said, “I wish you were more like your sister,” I’d be a billionaire. I know I can’t change my past, but I can be a guide to my son, should he end up on the spectrum. (My husband is also an NT.) My hope is that he doesn’t grow up with the intolerance to difference that I did.

I’ve gotten by in life so far by memorizing the rules (or etiquettes) in any new situation that I’m placed in and then trying to adhere stringently to those rules. This is what has continually gotten me in trouble, both socially and professionally, because there’s a great chasm between the written or verbal rules and what is socially or professionally accepted as “bending” those rules. I simply do not intrinsically know how to bend the rules. For example, in the Army, I learned to show courtesies to anyone who outranked me. I did well with this until I befriended a girl who well outranked me. It didn’t matter if we were in uniform or not, I could never bring myself to call her anything but Staff Sergeant So-and-so, no matter how many times she asked me to call her by her first name. Of course, now that I’m no longer in the military, I have no qualms about calling her Kolleen, because this is acceptable according to the “rules” between girlfriends. I have all sorts of rule sets, from rules for how to be a wife, to rules on how to talk on the phone, to rules on how to deal with chatty strangers. Sometimes I feel like I can’t win because I get frustrated when my rules are shown to be incorrect, but I also get frustrated when others don’t follow my prescribed rules, either. Does any of this make any sense to anyone? I also feel awkward most of the time because I answer rhetorical questions 100% of the time, use $5 words in casual conversations, and I have no clue when someone is being sarcastic. I’m always outed as “the weird one” shortly after entering a new environment. This has been my life since I started Kindergarten.

I’ve been getting myself into trouble recently at work, too, because of my need to follow the rules. I work as a software tester for a software development company and when I was hired, it was explained to me that as long as I was at work from 10am to 3pm Monday through Thursday (i.e., core hours), however else I chose to reach a forty-hour workweek (and no more than forty hours, unless I am specifically approved) was up to me. Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays aren’t included in core hours. Recently, however, I’ve been getting myself into hot water with management. A few weeks ago, I was told to inform my manager if I was ONLY going to work forty hours. (To work more or less than forty hours is not my choice.) And then another time, I was told to inform my manager if I didn’t intend to work on Saturdays and Sundays. (This after I had not been approached by anyone to work over the weekend. I ended up being the only person who didn’t come in.) And just this week, I was asked to inform my manager of the days in which I intend to leave before 5pm. (Five being the latest I can stay without incurring charges for not picking my son up from daycare on time.) I’m trying to adapt, but it’s so difficult when I can’t read between the lines. I feel like an awful failure and an idiot most days at work for not getting what most of my other coworkers just simply understand. I’m not breaking any of my company’s rules, per se, but I’m being treated as though I am. Add to that that I work deliberately and methodically in an environment that demands quickness and you have the recipe for me hating my job. Because of this, I’ve been wondering if I should seek an official diagnosis of Asperger’s. All of my work woes are related to my inability to understand small group dynamics, read between the lines, or stray from my established work routines. Would I be afforded any kind of protection (from adverse personnel actions, or even from being fired) if I could demonstrate that my behavior is attributable to Asperger’s and not to my desire to be a bad employee (which has been suggested)? I would like to tell my manager exactly what I’ve just told y’all, but I don’t feel like I can do that without first being officially diagnosed with Asperger’s (or something from the ASD/PPD spectrum). Does anyone who’s dealt with this have any advice for me?

Anyway, I’m glad to finally be “home.” This site is awesome and has been such a wealth of information for me, as well as a great comfort.

Welcome to WP!

Hi Laura and welcome.

You might try posting your work related questions separately on the "Work and Finding a Job" forum... try to indicate what you're asking in the title and those who can help will.

Have a lovely day...
DB

Thanks Tim_Tex and DonkeyBuster. Will do DonkeyBuster.

To WrongPlanet!! !

If I want "normal" I simply turn the dial on my washing machine. The best jobs I ever had are ones that required the least amount of interpersonal contact or social skills.

Greetings, and welcome to the WP forums, Laura.

Hi LupeLauraly - welcome to WP!

I was also in the Army & loved the fact that they have a rule for every situation. That made it very easy for me to get along. But, like you, my adherence to the rules hindered my social relationships (especially when dealing socially with people far outside my pay grade.)

Anyway, welcome home!