What am I?

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Me

I'm Fish. I've been stalking this place for what is essentially two months now before deciding to even dare post. I'm not one to join a place of discussion uneducated in the topics at hand, though that's not my reasoning for posting, just my reasoning for allowing myself to post.

I'm a 23 year old electronics engineering student at university. I am -technically- a finalist. I have not been diagnosed with anything on the spectrum. I'm probably not on the spectrum of justified diagnoses, i.e. someone who could get something out of getting one. At best I feel I probably have enough traits to brand me as boarderline-but-waste-of-paperwork.

I am in the middle of resitting my final year again, having fallen over around now last year on depression. This I have been diagnosed with. I'm sitting in bed right now, and I have absalutely no idea what "me" is any more. I haven't been to a lecture since the term started. I did the first half of the year last year, and origonally there was some justification to not going, as it was the basics already covered. I now can't motivate myself to get up before 9-12 hours sleep.

I found this site by accident, when the word aspergers popped into my head one day and I decided to read into what it was. I was interested, nothing more. To me, words do that. I spend most of my time now reading things on the internet, skimming news, science and tech with no real direction. I just do it to keep my mind occupied whilst the clock metaphorically ticks. I don't have a ticking clock, it drives me nuts.

I am a completely logical person. Unless I am in some sort of hyper-active seratonin high - not from anything, they just happen - I am not even capable of being random, so to speak. I don't believe I have an imagination. I can picture things that I have seen, I can meld multiple things I have seen to make something else, but I can not create. I can't draw and I can only really copy things. I was on anti-depressants for over six months but I came off them when I couldn't decide if they made any difference. I think they clouded my mind. I'm not actually sure now, looking back at it.

My memory is sporadic. I'm not sure why. It's only since university that I've struggled to remember, well, anything. Maybe it's the teaching style maybe it's my mind, I'm not sure. I recall things hours, weeks or so after I've been taught them, yet someone could ask me there and then and I'd have recollection issues. I have a feeling what I'm writing now is sporadic in itself, because that's how things are popping up in my mind right now. I could not read this out, I struggle to say what I'm reading. My reading level itself has always been higher than my age group, though not always comprehension, and many times I have to ask people what something means when they say it as I just don't know.

I hate people. I only want to see a couple of people a few times a week and I'm content with that amount of socialising. I don't know how to hold a conversation, and am easily seen as boring. I know how to rant about DRM and it's hardware counterparts in the media industry. Apparently my mother says I go on at her about it, but I then accuse her of not listening. She doesn't, she just argues back with no knowledge. This is frustrating.

I spent most of my christmas holiday sitting in the same spot, with my laptop and earphones (earbuds) in. Music is always on. I sleep with music on. I have since I've been able to have something that plays to a quiet speaker. I can keep turning it down at night a few decibels and it continues to be the same loudness. I know it's down too far when I can hear everything else above my music. I use memorised music to help me think, as I don't actually hear what I have memorised.

It's over a year since I knew what fun was. I find laughing too much overwhelming in my head. It makes me dizzy. I don't laugh very often. I got accused of wanting everything -now-. If I want to watch a film, I'll download it instantly - iTunes i love you! I don't really enjoy anything that much. I have good days. They are rare.

I found Avatar the film completely brilliant. I also found it incredibly emotionally overwhelming. I think I spent over half of it being teary-eyed for no real comprehendable reason. Music makes me like this alot too. I don't know why. It makes no sense. I think music in films will make me cry even if the scene isn't an emotional one. A battle scene for instance. This is strange and I don't understand it.

I wish everyone said what they meant. I don't do subtle. I use metaphores to explain things and ultimately make it more confusing, though it makes perfect sense to me. I am smarter than the average bear. I have never met a bear. I think I have a partial sense of humor, but it may have died because it got bored of me. I'll get back to you on that one.

Phones scare me. It takes me half an hour to psyche myself up to make a phonecall to someone I don't know, and almost as long to someone I do, apart from my few close friends. I can count all my friends on one hand. I have large hands. I can only keep social track of around five people. When I went to college, I dropped all but one of my school friends, I did this again when I went to university. I have no desire, nor ability to "keep in touch" with more than a very few, and even then I struggle.

My door is currently shut. I've been isolationalist as long as I can remember comprehending it. I have memory of multiple days spent dumb. I think I've done it three times, maybe more. I don't know why. I never said a word on those days. I only remember once properly, and I was travelling with friends. The thought I was being strange. I think normally I just close the door. I'm not entirely sure there is a -normally-.

I do not like arguments. I have to be away from them. My earphones help with this. I can turn my back and listen to music and the whole situation vanishes. This is a little more peaceful. I used to count my steps. I think since I got an mp3 player, I stopped. Noone knows that fact. That statement is false when the read count of this post is greater than zero.

I am capable of feeling, but I am incapable of sorting them. A mental tabulated filter mechanism would solve this. I don't think excel ports well to grey matter. I was in a team that won an award at work on my placement. I never went to the meeting to recieve it. I had useful things to do instead. If I can't cope with things, I just stare into space. I could watch paint dry and not get bored. I would analyse why it was drying in certain ways and strive to make it dry -better-.

I had, what I think is now a meltdown on my end of year presentation. I had to give a presentation to mid level management. I misread bodylanguage from some of them and ran off at the end. I didn't stop crying for ten minutes. I wonder if it was just a panic attack. I can't remember where I found myself hiding.

I don't have prospagnosia. I just have no idea what your name is. Different levels of management don't bother me. I'm scared of you all equally. I may tell people what I think. Apparently that's not what society dictates. I sometimes start lies with the words "I'm going to lie and say.." because then the statement is fine. I am as good at lieing as I am at drawing. I think I can make stick drawings that may or may not be something comprehendable. It's probably quantum.

I think this reads a little too monotonously. if I understood what sorry was, I think I'd say it, but then that would be laced with "I'm lying when I say this but.."

I'm not sorry I wrote this much.

Fish.

Fine I should have just written Hi and got it over and done with. All makes sense to me.

hi, fish. welcome! i went through this for a year or longer. not real sure. just sorting through things... not going to classes often and whatnot. it's difficult to not be able to explain this to others, particularly professors, is it not? finally, i went back to my former major, and chose a new direction within it. i am actually engaged in my schoolwork again. it's wunderbar. never thought i'd be doing a bio-related field, since i wasn't too fond of it in high school and middle school. i was actually studying this morning, for once, lol. your post read like a textbook. that's more or less a compliment. thank you for being clear. i don't think there is much to misunderstand, if at all. yay!

Thanks, the fact that you actually replied made me feel better. I was starting to feel sick because I thought it was somewhat unwelcome.

My project tutor is about the only person I talk to that can even comprehend that I might not be somewhat normal. I go to counselling once a week to try and feel like I'm still sane. I don't know if it's helping, but I don't want to stop. The idea of stopping actually scares or upsets me, no idea why.

My mother won't even allow me to nurture the thought that I'm anything other than normal. That ended with us at each other's throats. Sigh. I'm not even sure why I wrote so much but it felt like I Should. I struggle to talk to people yet I can write thousands of words in the course of a few minutes on something I don't understand. Hah at least I know I can write reports...

Or posted in the "getting to know" section since that is the best place to seek out "welcomes" and greetings or to introduce yourself....or failing that, waited a two whole minutes before expecting a reply.

Actually depending on when you post, it can be hours before people reply; it depends on who is online when you post for a start. If no one replies quickly to your posts or thread, just assume it's probably not about you personally, because it's probably not.

That said, I am confused as to why you think that whatever you are experiencing is not clinically significant or even worthy of the paperwork. It does not sound entirely negliable to me.

Now I feel like more of a prune for missing that entire section . How on earth do I cast myself off as intelligent whilst proving that I am also completely stupid. - first person with move privalages, feel free to move this if they see fit.

I don't think I know how to even try to classify myself as a way of saying whether it affects me or not.

I guess I forgot to add the complete inability to make arbirtary decisions to that list. I can make calculated decisions (is one thing better than the other) but "where shall we go?" leaves me beyond stumped, in the same way that I know the first few lines to a conversation are an exchange of "Hi how are you?" without any real meaning.

I am not confident depression alone can explain the (clinically significant) impairment you describe, and what you are describing appears to fit the meaning of "clinically significant impairment" so far as I understand the term.

It may be a good idea to pursue further clinical clarification. If you are experiencing something other than depression (and it's not unlikely based on your description), this might be clinically significant to effective treatment of the depression.

My brother's nickname is Fish too

Wauw!... For the first time, someone is closer to describe me than ever!
Especially that about music.

Though I don't have a depression (yet, I've had one though), and I like people, as long as they respect that I may have other views/meanings/opinions than them.

Very well written post.
I'm sorry that I can't respond clearly, with anything useful, right now.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and Welcome to WrongPlanet

I think, that you being so honest, calling your-self intelligent means that you were told by someone else that you were and that you are to a certain point realising this yourself.

That makes something count!
I think the fight is that in this world, you have to prove yourself. Don't give up hope, and don't think you have to prove it, cause the only one to prove it to, is to yourself.

Hello Fish, welcome,

:)

Enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

When I first posted I responded to a person who was talking about suicide. Then I read someone say it was rude to post without an introduction. So I made an introductory post apologizing all over the place and it disappeared off the front page. I didn't know about the forum index. I was convinced I had been irredeemably frozen out. Then I thought screw this, I'm going to repost an introduction. I did and wrote a long post saying all that had been building up my whole life and my wonder at finding people who were like me finally. No responses right away. I've learned since that that is normal for various reasons. Someone had to talk me down another time. Anyway MrFish wrote:, you're not alone. I'm glad I stuck around and I hope you will too.

MrFish, please see your private messages (upper left corner of the webpage, inbox) - thank you.


M.

Welcome to WP!

Hi MrFish, Welcome to WP! And very glad to have you.