Thanks guys, I feel a bit better now, even after giving myself a self-tarring for cocking up the forum rules.
I have a massive problem with self-criticism, which I keep hearing as a reflection from my counsellor. I am overtly critical and basically am incapable of giving myself praise unless there is a direct comparrison to prove worth. I have a large list of negatives that measure failure and sucess is basically a singular state of how I view the world in it's "should".
I am having an absalute struggle with motivation, and have been for essentially a year, as I'm now on the uni degree on my own, my friends having graduated last year. This is even harder for me to deal with and am finding it almost impossible to even go in. I go to my counsellor every tuesday, and see my project leader afterwards on a weekly basis. This seems to work.
Depression I've had since I was around 14. My mum still passes it off as "everyone gets it". It took til I was on something for it for her to possibly accept that there might be something not quite right. Even writing this is a little bit upsetting as I have to delve into parts of my mind I really like to keep locked.
This is something I do, which I don't understand, and -usually- only in private..
I have some storage of bad memories, usually when I'm either Very critical of myself or something bad I just don't want to remember. Instead of recalling the memory, I feel like I'm on the edge of remembering it, but then I flinch, screw my face up or do something like punch my leg. I have absalutely no idea why. I've done this for a couple of years and I can't explain it other than anything negative beyond a certain point, I don't naturally go near. Now I know I've had nothing Very bad happen to me. It's just perception. Falling off my bike (badly) when I was 14ish makes me do it, for instance. If there's someone with me I tend to just screw my eyes up and control myself.
I also am very good at writing too much because I feel I need to cover every detail concievable to help prevent confusion. I got robbed once, and I could recall everything that happened, and did for a good hour, except the faces of those that robbed me. I refused to do an ID parade because I was not confident enough in the memory of the faces that I would never risk a false positive. Those that robbed me, I had delt with, face to face for 15 minutes or so. Yet I have no problem with face recognitian that I know of. I think it's more a bad memory/confidence thing.
25 Jan 2010, 6:59 pm
