Hello- very confused and concerned, looking for answers.

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Hello.

I'm glad to have found this forum. I have been married for five years to my older British husband. It has been 5 very difficult years. Recently I was told my eldest son may be autistic, or on the spectrum, it was in the process of exploring this that I realized my husband very clearly fits the description of someone affected with Aspergers.

This realisation came shortly after I had separated from my husband after learning he did something illegal and very... unfortunate right before we met. I had him take the "Aspie quiz*" last night, in which he scored 120/200 AS and 60/200 NT. He agrees that it does point to Aspergers and many of the characteristics are very descriptive.

I love my husband and am willing to support him and try and fit AS into our life, as opposed to letting it destroy our marriage.

Unfortunately, I am left holding this thing that he did, and I don't know how to understand it, or get past it. Aspergers might explain what he did or why up to a point, but then I'm left with questions. I'm concernd about posting about it on a forum such as this as I have read a thread on the forum (via google) which related to the issue and contained alot of anger and hate and I'm not sure I can cope with that sort of reaction. (as well as some very educated and well thought out opinions, which is why I am posting)

I would sincerley appreciate anyone who is willing to speak in private, via email or private discussion to assist me with this and hopefully save a marriage, and possibly a life, as my husband, I think is considering suicide, which of course is to horrible to contemplate.

Also, I would like to be able to get my bearings in regard to Aspergers. I don't want to vent or complain, I just want to make sure I understand and have the tools to work through it and fix it. I'd like to get a diagnosis, but apparently that is very difficult here in England for adults. So, please just talking about AS in general on forum would be much appreciated

Thank you very much in advance. If we get past this I will direct my husband to this forum as I know it will be a good place for him. I hope I am welcome here even though I am not AS. I only want to be able to fix my marriage and give my husband access to a resource for him.


*I'm not able to post the link apparently. Hopefully, it is well known.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my time warp.

Hi Baffledwife.

Personally, I think that Aspergers is more of an issue of social skills and recognising emotions, and does not involve being unable to tell right from wrong. If your husband was an adult when he committed this crime then he has had ample time to learn the difference. That said though, I do not know the nature of the incident or the circumstances surrounding it. Sometimes people with AS can be quite naive and this can get them in trouble if they fall in with a bad crowd. Naivity will only cover your ass for so much though, and if the crime is very severe, you may need to look elsewhere for an explanation.

I know you say that you are afraid of angry responses, but to be honest, if someone is going to be angry at your husband's crime, they will be angry via PM as well. I also think that asking people to PM you advice may not give you the best results as there will be fewer replies and as a result a more limited view of the issue.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, baffledwife.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

All the stuff that happens all the time just goes by in a blur, and you feel so completely isolated. Then something actually comes into complete focus sometimes it's hard to let it go. It's like being let out of solitary confinement. Even if it's totally wrong sometimes you just can't keep everything inside.

Hello baffledwife, welcome,

I hope you will find the support you need here on WP.

Enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Thanks for the welcoming replies everyone.

I'm not looking for an excuse for his behaviour, so much as a way to identify what aspects of it can be directly linked to AS. And I suppose I have done that much, already. It's just trying to get over the hump between what AS "led" him to do and how far he took it all by himself.

I just wanted a perspective from someone besides him. But, it's been difficult to find that perspective so I'm left with him. He's found it very difficult to explain it, but by sheer determination I have got something out of him finally. I'm not thrilled with it, but then is any "explanation" going to make me happy? Of course not.

I think I know enough that I can move forward. But only by insisting he seek counselling/therapy immediately and not rely on me to hold his hand anymore.

I really don't know if he's able to, I think he has a serious social phobia. Not, thankfully, to the point of agoraphobia but to the point that picking up a phone and reaching out is incredibly difficult for him. Talking to people in a social way is very difficult for him. He sometimes spends hours constructing emails.

So, I think I will pass this forum onto him. Hopefully you will be able to give him strength and confidence. I think meeting people "like him" will be very good for him. If he joins and you connect him to me, please be kind.

If anyone has links or suggestions on where we can find counsellors with experience in the area of AS (in England) I would very much appreciate them. He hasn't had a lot of luck. Relate doesn't appear to have anyone knowledgeable about AS in our area, and other organisations have said they can't help him. He is going to the doctor for a diagnosis, perhaps that will help. But we are on a long long waiting list for my son to be assessed already, so I don't know that any help from that route will be immediately beneficial for my husband.


luvmybaby- thank you for that, it made a lot of sense.

Lene- It's not about not being able to tell right from wrong, not at all. It's not an excuse, nor is it meant to be. He knows he did something wrong and admits to it and is loath to even entertain the thought that AS might have led him to it, even if it is a legitimate reason for part of it. I swear you've never met someone so willing to lock themselves up and throw away the key. By asking for more private conversations, I guess i was just hoping for a sympathetic person to think that they could understand and would at least be willing to listen and offer their own thoughts without judgement or emotion clouding it. I understand I'm new here though and that it was probably to much to ask. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

Hi
I am new to this forum too - your nickname immediately 'drew' me to you as I am not only a baffled wife but a sressed out mother too
From experience getting help can depend quite literally on where you stay in the United Kingdom and how hard you are willing to fight to get it - whether it be councelling, diagnosis, appropriate schooling, advice on benefits or assisted employment...whatever!
Good Luck!

Perhaps he is right? I don't mean that he doesn't have aspergers, but perhaps it is unrelated to the wrongdoing. I think you should definitely get him to go to a counseller; he may find it easier to open up to a stranger because he doesn't value their judgement as much.


The PMs weren't too much to ask; I'm sure there are people out there who will respond and try to help. Personally, I don't like PMing advice because I am afraid my opinions may be given more weight than they are worth, and I would hate someone to act on my bad advice. At least if I respond on a forum, someone will eventually come along and say "you're talking rubbish Lene", or offer an alternative that I may not have thought of .

You will find sympathy here; there are a lot of baffled spouses here on the forums, and a lot of people with AS have a fair idea of what it's like to be very confused in a relationship.

edit: You may get more responses if you put your original post in the 'Love&dating' or the 'in depth Adult discussion' sections; The 'getting to know you' forum seems to be literally where people say 'hello'