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I found this site a few days ago, lurked a bit, felt at home, and decided to take the plunge.

The subject line is because I'm a certified Crone (58 years old), which I love, and most of the folks I've seen posting seem to be young. I'm self-diagnosed, but since I don't trust the "professionals" as far as I can throw them--no, take that back; I could probably throw them much farther--I don't need some yipping little self-satisfied chimp with a diploma telling me what I am and what he thinks is "wrong" with me. Been there, done that, barely lived through it. More on that later. So, I'm convinced that AS explains more about my life than anything else I've come across, and since it feels good, I'm doing it. Also, FWIW, I scored 151 AS, 51 NT on the test on this site.

In addition to being female, I've got some other oddities. I'm a retired US Marine officer, for one. You can imagine what a career (20 years) as a military officer was like for an Aspie! Pure hell, and being a feminist, atheist, highly intelligent, liberal woman in the world's premier boy's club (and successful at it) didn't help. Twenty years and not a single friend to show for it. I cracked at about the 18-year point, became suicidally depressed, and ended up with a disability rating. I spent a total of 6 months in the psych ward of the local military hospital, in three separate hospitalizations, and got zapped with ECT (electroconvulsive "therapy" [read "torture"]), which gave me amnesia and did zip for the depression. Well, actually, that's not true; it deepened the depression. But that's another hobbyhorse.

Anyway, in addition to the career, my bizarre marriage added to the depression mix, although it did give me a wonderful daughter who's now in grad school. I'm now divorced, thank all the forgotten gods, and SHOULD be happily on my own. Unforturnately, my parents are living with me (not the other way around), so I'm still sharing my house, and that, too, drives me batty. I VANT TO BE ALONE!

But not entirely. Although I can't socialize and I have all the usual hang ups about people, etc., I AM lonely and desperately want some amount of friendship/love. I've pretty much given up hope of finding it, as I'm sure you can all understand, but I can't get over wanting it, on my terms.

I have two cats, who love me and keep me AS-sane. I live in darkest Virginia, but I'm a proud liberal and a Chicago-born-and-raised Yankee, and I don't like it here, peoplewise. But I have a nice house and there's no way I can get my act together enough to move anytime soon. Luckily, since I don't have anything to do with anybody, it's not so bad.

I work as a copy editor for a microbiology professional association, which is fun (scads of nitpicky details and working on the computer), and I can work from home, which is a life saver. The two years I was learning the craft and had to commute to DC was utter hell, and I went "freelancer" as soon as they'd let me.

I love languages, and I majored in Chinese in college in the 60's and spent 4 years in Taiwan going to the university. Haven't used it since! I started to teach myself Hungarian shortly after my loss of memory, partly to see if I could, but unfortunately, since I don't have anyone to practice with, I forgot most of it once I stopped commuting and listening to the tapes and stuff. Nowadays I'm too brain-dead for things like that, although they still interest me.

The ECT effects, especially the memory loss (which includes ability to learn and retain new things, not just my lost past), complicate the AS symptoms, and I think they've either made them worse or disabled my coping mechanisms. I find, on reading about AS and posts at places like this, that I have more and/or stronger AS symptoms than I THINK I had before the ECT. I started to read the thread about remembering your childhood, for example, and I was interested to find so many people here also can't remember much. I'm pretty sure that I already had trouble remembering that before the ECT--now, of course, it's virtually a complete blank. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading the posts here and learning more about AS. Just knowing about it and finding that there are so many other people whose experiences and attitudes match mine has been a big comfort.

Sorry to be so wordy, but I figured I'd get it all off my chest at once.

Welcome, from one old crone (56yo) to another!
I. Do. Not. Know. How. You. Survived. All. That.
And ours is a society that does not practice vivisection, right? Right.
You seem to have tremendous survival power.
I'm glad to meet you, and glad you're here.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! Hope you have a nice time here.

Thanks for the kind words.

Claradoon: Isn't it nice to be a crone? And not just for wearing purple. I think if I'd been born in earlier ages (or sometimes I think WHEN I LIVED in earlier ages) I would have been (WAS) the village wise woman. Of course, I probably would have been burned as a child for being possessed instead. Ah, well.

There were times along the way when I almost didn't survive, wished I hadn't, or thought perhaps I hadn't (i.e., that I'd died and this was hell). That's pretty much behind me now, though. One of the few advantages of lost memory is that after a bit you aren't bothered by things that once drove you bonkers. I've learned that if I'm really upset by something I just need to put up with it for a couple of days and then, although I'll remember, I won't care any more. That's an oversimplification, but good enough for now.

And in a very real sense, I DIDN'T survive, because when they destroyed my memory, they murdered the person I was. That, too, is a superficial statement that covers a lot of agony, but no need to dwell on it right now. I don't want to turn everyone off THAT quickly.

Hi and welcome from another 58 year old.
Aspies seem to be consigned to a living hell much of the time. I have been through 3 marriages and numerous other failed relationships. Also I am on my 18th job since leaving college.
I live on my own it is GREAT!! However my mum's health is not so good and I may end up having her to live with me sometime next year.
My greatest contribution to this world are my 5 children, 2 of whom are diagnosed ASD and 1 suspected AS. The other 2 I am not sure about, but as 3 are graduates, 2 of them with PhD's they are making their way OK. The 2 with ASD are still young, so it remains to be seen how they cope with life - although for now they are very happy and content.
I am sure you will find plenty of Aspies here who can relate to what you are dealing with, so once again welcome.

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I don't understand the main point you were trying to make in your post. I would like to know what you are talking about.

I do hope you enjoy posting here!

Jason:

Thanks for the welcome.

I wasn't (consciously, at least) trying to make any point, just to introduce myself. I guess I did throw a few little grenades out there that could be expanded on to make a point, if anyone was interested (like my snide comments about the Marines [which is only one aspect of my feelings toward them--most are positive] and "mental health professionals"), but those are just personal hang-ups based on my own experiences, and I don't want to belabor them unless someone is interested.

Is there something specific you'd like me to expand on or explain?

You're welcome!

I was just wondering about your ever-so-interesting introduction.

I am 42...when do I get to join the "crone club"?Have a couple of Quotes I cant source because I have major memory "issues".

"In this land of the Brave
and home of the free
they use to burn women
who were a lot like me"

The direction this country is going,I think there are people who would like to return to this time of Purging...bit frightening...I keep trying to focus on the percentage of people who DIDNT vote for "W"

as for the "wise women"....long time fantasy of mine...my 3rd grade teacher wrote about me...

"little Denise ,she keeps me in stitches
her favorite thing,is books about witches"

I never liked "organized religions" of any sort,including Wiccans,(You are not the boss of me,attitude)
but I love the idea of an older women...in touch with nature and the magic of plants,using natural
"chemistry" to heal...living alone in a little cottage with my cats,books(and computer).I while I am dreaming....can I have a pony?Thank whatever,they cant tax dreams.

My sister was also given 3 "doses" of shock before I got her out of the" psycho" (referring to the Mad scientist who were "miss"treating her,not the patients)ward....They made sure they doped her to the gills for two weeks before they talked her into the "treatment"and as I was only her "sister" not her legal guardian....they refused to meet with me before they started the treatment(which I wasn't informed about until after they had started it!The whole process was a nightmare for both of us.Needless to say,my sister not only has memory problems depression has been worse, inpart because "there are monsters in the world who can do this to someone"...I can hardly blame her cynicism is finally on disability(after a long drawn out fight when she could least handle it)So,is it surprising that after all this and the stigma and poverty of being on SSI,that she might be depressed...the surprise is that she manages to find reasons to live(oh,good,Jerry Springer is on)...

krex:

I know where you're coming from, on all those counts.

By the way, I think you can be a crone whenever you want to be, but I'd imagine the traditional rite of passage is menopause. That's when we come into our true powers.

I feel the same about organized religion and, although I investigated (through books, of course) Wicca and other forms of neopaganism, I can't get into them because (i) they all have deities and (ii) they're hierarchical and, well, organized. I"m very spiritual, but I don't believe in any kind of deities. Spirits (in things, not ghosts and stuff), yes; gods (or "God") and goddesses (or "Goddess"), no. I find the idea of being an integral part of the universe in whatever form far more comforting than some sort of human-imagined afterworld. To each her own, though; just don't try to force it on me.

As for the ECT, you've got it. The people who practice that form of torture and murder are truly monsters, totally cynical and after the very big bucks, not to mention the power and sadism. Most shrinks, especially psychiatrists, are the truly crazy ones. It should be required that anyone who wants to use ECT on others first undergo at least two full courses of full bilateral ECT. That would eliminate the practice overnight, because (i) the practitioners are fully aware of what it does to the brain and would never consent to have it done to them and (ii) if any of them did, they would lose their ability to practice because of the brain damage. If you're interested in the psychiatric victims who are organized and fighting back against all forms of psychiatric criminal abuse, including ECT, see http://www.mindfreedom.org, especially the section on ECT, http://www.mindfreedom.org./mindfreedom/paul.shtml .

As for that multiple expletive deleted Bush, don't get me started. Did you know he wants to get all Americans "screened" for "mental health problems" so they can be drugged into submission (and enrich the drug companies along the way)? What do you think they'd do to us already-labeled misfits? See http://www.mindfreedom.org./mindfreedom ... atry.shtml .

Lizmcg.....thanks for the link...I will check it out and if appropriate(not make my sister more depressed)pass some info onto her......She would like to have sued the hospital for drugging and mugging her,but had moved back to her home state and didnt really have the energy to fight....I think it would be positive for her if she could get some sense of power back by doing "something" to fight this system.That was really the worst part for her...."trusting" the "experts" and getting screwed over....powerlessness....now,theres a great cure for depression!! !!That's one of my problems with clinical psyc...their focus seems to be to make you feel like a victim(even if they do call it "survivor" now)I dont think most "therapy" is designed for people with AS,either......All I ever heard was.....

You have black and white thinking....not what you "think" ...how do you feel????You need to stop "intellectualising" your experiences....The emotion on your face doesnt match what you are talking about....(I think, I had a sardonic smile?when talking about the absurdity of my life and humans.....)I am hoping that if I get a DX I can get a counselor who actually has a clue about AS "issues" and at least has a clue why I AM who I am (instead of considering it pathological...and trying to "fix" it)I really need advice about future schooling/jobs....I seem to have some kind of mental block in this area and cant seem to figure out which dirrection to go.....hope they are patient...I sure can be stubborn...I may not know what I like but I sure know what I dont like....

Krex:

I know (in my own way, of course) just what your sister went through and is going through. It's a common thread among victims of psychiatry, and the powerlessness they create and exploit is one of the major reasons why they get away with their abuse and crimes. By the way, it's not "them" who now use the term "victim," it's us, the actual victims. I find it very telling that psychiatry is the only branch of "medicine" that has an organized worldwide group (quite large) of people who consider themselves victims of their so-called "doctors" and who agitate constantly to expose their perfidy. But enough of that. Like your sister, I find it retraumatizing to discuss it too much.

Your other set of remarks also matches my thinking (are we related? ). This morning I had a strong thought, not new but resurrected by a book I'm reading, about the arrogance and ignorance of the mental health "professionals" and their labeling, etc. The crux is, they define themselves as "normal" and presume through that political treatise DSM IV to decree who is abnormal or downright nuts and therefore needs to be molded, by them, into something that matches and therefore is accptable to--them. Take us, for example. Because we do not understand their thoughts and ways of functioning, we are labeled dysfunctional, ab(sub)normal, and afflicted with a disorder. However, when they fail to uderstand our thoughts and ways of functioning, once again it's OUR fault and we are wrong and inferior because we don't send the "right" signals. Says who? The lack of logic and the double standard is obvious to the meanest AS intelligence, but not to them. Seems to me that's pretty "dysfunctional" of them, eh? Oh, well. Those suffering from NT syndrome just aren't able to understand such subtle concepts. Their "brain damage" and "defective neurological development" keeps them from fully participating in true humanity. Poor dears.

Here's another link you may enjoy: http://www.aspergia.com/letter.htm . It's a page from a site on AS that has a different slant. I don't think it's still evolving, but the site was left up so the materials already there could remain available. Go back to the home page and check out the other links within the site. It's quite liberating.

And yeah, I'd love to find an Aspie shrink. My guy is a clinical psychologist who I really like, but he's quite useless, really, because he insists on seeing me through his NT lens and NT textbooks and he can't comprehend, no matter how I explain it to him, that I don't fit his paradigms. Still, he's useful as a paid "friend" and helps me in that way, so I don't want to lose him.

Dear Lizmcg,

I'm glad to see that you, too, found your way here.