Any Aspies with an NT Spouse?

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Isn't it great having an NT to watch out for you? This whole world is so confusing, but my husband helps me so much. He has learned so much and he has a really good way of describing things, better than even I can.

Today, I was in the children's Sunday school class. I sit in there with a little boy who is autistic. Last Sunday he had a meltdown. Today, when I came in the room he was having a hard time because a piece was missing from his puzzle.

As you know, sometimes you just can't redirect. I know there are times that I can't when I get on something (especially when it upsets me). He was having a hard time.

My husband came in after service and I was talking to him. I asked him if he knew what I was talking about regarding the boy's distress over the missing puzzle piece. He said, "Oh, yes, I know. The universe is not in order."

He was not being mean or anything, that is exactly how I feel when something is not as it should be.

I went to Safeway this evening and they didn't put the storage bags in the logical place in the store. I had to look all around for them and found them on the baking aisle. That makes NO SENSE!

But I thought of him saying the universe is not in order and I smiled a little.

My husband doesn't really undrestand but he does try. As a result of not really "getting it" sometimes he's overly protective of me when I don't need or want him to be and tries to talk me out of doing something I can handle. Other times, I really need his input but he tells me to figure it out on my own because he thinks it's something minor. (Then, when things go awry, he never remembers that I had come to him for help beforehand.)

In his defense, he has a lot going on of his own. He has several congenital illnesses that cause him a lot of pain and suffering and will eventually (no one has any idea when) kill him. So he needs me just as much (and I fail him just as much) as I need him. I do all the chores - take out the trash, shopping, cleaning, etc. and am always woefully behind and the apartment is in a devastating state of squalor. And he doesn't believe me when I tell him that I kept a neat house when I lived alone. Though it's true -- I'm good when it's just me but I can never seem to keep up with everything when another person is added to the picture. Oh well, I guess he'll finally believe me when he's in heaven, looking down on my tidy home. LOL

okay, so now i can't get the image of a missing puzzle piece out of my head. it would really really bother me too. not to the point of a meltdown, but it is wrongwrongWRONG. that puzzle would go straight into the garbage and i would probably talk about it for days!! !

yes, The Universe Is Not In Order sometimes, and that can be so difficult to handle. i get very upset when my husband wants to move the furniture. it is better if he talks to me ahead of time. i still get a bit stressed out and may question why it should be moved, but then once i have time to reflect and relax, i will usually relent.

but if i come home and something important is in a new spot, i get discombobulated and will sometimes cry or argue or something. it does not matter if it is an improvement or not, if i have no time to get used to the idea it can be pretty bad.

I so know what you mean! Moving furniture around is traumatic for me. Just talking about it stresses me out.

When my husband and I got married and he moved his things into my apartment, I had the hardest time adjusting to that. I also had a very difficult time adjusting to having him sleeping next to me. It made the air feel different.

The puzzle piece bothered me really bad, but, not to the point of a meltdown. Then again, this little boy is about 10 years old. When I was that age things like really got to me. I would cry and pull my hair and go stay in my closet.

My parents didn't know what to do with me, didn't know about autism. They just thought I was a strange, hard to love child.

I thought I was adopted. When I got a little older I decided I was an alien.

Noise really gets to me. I can't stand the vacuum cleaner. My husband vacuums the floor, I never do. He doesn't mind either. He totally understands. While he was vacuuming I walked the dog. Can't handle the noise - and I hear everything.

This sounds alot like me. Ive been with my wife for 7 years, married for 2.

We use little communication tricks and a more or less made-up language. It works wonders. She warns be before ever doing anything loud, like vacuuming, shuffling cutlery etc. She is so sweet and understanding.

But its tricky with family occasions, I rarely attend any, not for her or my family, its just so much hard work, but I really want to for her sake, to make her happy. I do try, but its hard.

youtubecom/bumsendk

my youtube channel. Its all older vids, I really should get to post some new stuff. Check out my favourites too, some good autism vids in there.

That is a brilliant idea, fotojunkie! (Referring to the list, regarding the three tiers of people, and how to conduct yourself around them.) I'm going to have to try something like that.

The Safeway bags, and similar situations really does put the universe out of order, for me. Most of the time, the disorder is my own fault, and much stress has happened over trying to figure out where I've put my car keys.

Anyways, this is about NT spouses...back to the topic at hand.

Anyways, I had a very wonderful relationship with a neurotypical for two years. We've since disbanded after I moved back to Washington, but still talk on occasion. In recent months, it really has felt like we don't speak the same language, and she expects me to pick up these "obvious hints" about what I do that bugs her, as well as how I need to "do more than just say it if I really care", and I still keep trying to tell her that if she wants to get a point across, than to just come out and say it. (This is what actually drove me to see a counselor, who gave me a few tests and informed me that I very likely have AS, before that, I didn't know. I thought I was just a plain, screwed up, defective human.)

Now the dilemma is whether to tell her if I have AS... I know how her and her family act towards a woman with Cerebral Palsy, and that woman's boyfriend, who has Schizophrenia. They're not rude or disrespectful to them by any means, they're very accommodating and polite, but at the same time, they refer to them as "crazy people" when they're not around, and treat them as if they're..."special", and are rather dismissive. Then again, they do regularly insist during dinner conversations that the government is secretly holding space aliens as prisoners, and that the government is planning to kill us all... (My ex-girlfriend's mom is the caretaker of the woman with CP). I kind of fear whether I would be treated the same if I brought it to their attention...but at the same time...I also fear not telling them, and eventually being written off as nonsensical. (They all still consider me family, and we all keep in touch somewhat regularly. I've had a standing invitation to go visit, but I'm rather nervous to accept.) I just don't know if they'd be able to understand...and might lump it in the same general group of "crazy" in their minds. :3

Anyways, thought I'd thank the helpful and share my experience.

I have Asperger's and my husband is an NT. We've been married 6 years now, together 8. We met when I was 19.

It's nice seeing so much of what has been common to our relationship represented here. I was only diagnosed this year, after reading about Asperger's and recognizing myself. I found an autism specialist who immediately agreed when we met. It's nice, to have that validation that I'm not just a weirdo - it's good there are others like me.

As for my marriage, we're both fairly introverted and tidy people and I think that helps. My husband does not ask me to be in situations that he knows are very difficult for me, since he usually does not enjoy crowds or noise either. He has always instinctively served as a sort of interpreter for me - he can decode the more subtle messages others put out for me, "read between the lines" or whatever you want to call it. That mystical NT mindreading superpower. He catches things I don't, and then tells me what I missed later in a way that won't humiliate me. He helps keep me from embarrassing myself when I don't understand what's going on, and covers for me when I need to get away for alone time. He has been my biggest cheerleader when I make progress, the safety net that catches me when I fall, the drill sergeant telling me to keep going, the sounding board for all my ideas, my teacher and tutor to help learn everything new, and my best friend all along the way. Yes, we do have disagreements but usually they're just a couple snappy comments when we're grumpy, we both isolate ourselves and then someone apologizes and life goes on.

I don't know if I understand love as an NT. We have two children, 2 and 4 years old. I know that I love my children, more than anything. They make me want to be a better person, to be able to offer them a better life. I go to therapy and I go to school for them, even though both are highly unpleasant, because I need to be able to socially interact with them and their future teachers and friends, and I need to be able to get better employment to support them comfortably. I know that I would die for them, to save them, and I wouldn't have to think about the choice or have any regret for my own sacrifice. They are my world.

For my husband, I love him much differently. I would be devastated if something happened to him, but I would not trade my life for his. He is my best friend and I enjoy being around him and talking to him. From the first time we met I could speak to him, which never happens for me. I usually can't speak to a new person unless someone else introduces us and we've met several times. I feel accepted by him, and he does his best to understand me. I know that I hurt him often when I am not as warm, affectionate and socially needy as he is, or when I need alone time when he needs attention. He is forgiving. Sometimes we talk about emotions and intimacy. It sounds like he experiences emotional bonds in general much more strongly than I do - he feels devoted to me as strongly as I feel devoted to our children, but he also "wants" me. Sometimes I feel guilty about this, because I don't love him the same way that he loves me. I don't think I have the capacity to love a partner that strongly. For me, it's more like a very good friend with benefits but that's the best I've known. I'm comfortable and content with him. I'm grateful that he does love me, and looks out for me. It does concern me that eventually he will want someone who is as enthusiastic about love as he is, someone who will adore him in a more socially recognizable way. Logically I know that he does love me including my peculiarities but that doubt is there too. I don't find myself to be overly lovable. I know that he wants to feel needed and he knows that I do need him, same with appreciation, but I don't know what else he sees in me. I can tally up many concrete reasons why he's good for me - the reasons he can count why I'm good for him are much fewer and more abstract. This makes me uncomfortable.

WOW
That is almost exactly my relationship with my wife. Its neat to see it from a different point of view.
Thank you for sharing that 314159

So my NT wife felt it necessary to tell her cousin about my Undiagnosed AS. Why her cousin was concerned about me I don’t know. So when my wife tells me this I thought OK she told her cousin. Then it hit me I said “you told her not to tell any one right!” My wife stood silent I said “We decided we weren’t going to tell any one in till after I finish getting diagnosed!” Then my wife said “well we are having Dinner with them and there family on Sunday.”

CRAP!! !

What should I do?

What would you do??

To understand what advice to offer we must understand your reaction better.

Why does this idea disturb you? What outcome are you expecting to result from it becoming general knowledge?

I informed those close to me when we realized I likely had AS, and then confirmed it when I got my official diagnosis. I do not keep it secret from anyone I expect to associate with much. However I have no expectation of it being used against me in any way by them. I am fully capable of disregarding and ceasing contact with anyone who should use my diagnosis negatively.

Some people react in a very negative manner when they learn that you have AS. They may belittle you and be very critical, become abusive, bully, treat you like you are ret*d...there are many different reactions (and I have experienced them all).

But even without that, disclosure of HIS condition should be HIS choice. It was very disrespectful for her to tell others about his AS, it should have been his choice to disclose (or not).

My husband told me that if I want to tell someone, that is up to me, my choice. He will not disclose without first talking to me about it. That is just common courtesy and respect.

But there are certain negative ramifications that can occur once an individual discloses and you just never know. I know if I disclose to someone I have to feel safe first. I had a co-worker try to attack me once when I disclosed and she said I couldn't do my job because of my AS (which is NOT true! Upper management told her she was wrong). I never know how people will react to something, so I did not know she would do that. It was scary, though. I thought she was going to hit me.

Anyway, disclosing should be his choice (the person with the AS) and no one else's.

I agree - disclosing without his permission was very disrespectful and inappropriate.

Since it has already occurred though, the best thing to do is to evaluate what happens next. You can't retrieve information that has already been given. Which is why I asked what he expects the outcome to be. If he's embarrassed or unhappy with their knowledge then how he should proceed is completely different from if he thinks he may risk a situation like you've mentioned - with confrontation and any form of abuse.

I only disclose openly to people who have or are very likely to gain my trust. They know me already and having a label on existing patterns does not change who I am to them. AS is why I have some traits. It's not who I am. Those who would use it as a weapon do not deserve any of my time. In return for limiting conflict and how much I upset those around me who don't understand my limitations I am willing to have some people regard me as disabled or mentally handicapped so long as their beliefs have no impact on my functional ability to go where I should and do what I need to. Though I do not enjoy being labeled such, I would prefer to be thought of as disabled to being labeled as a hateful, antisocial b***h who never smiles, a snob, rude or having a superiority complex (which I've experienced all of, pre-diagnosis). I do understand that many people do not however appreciate being in that category and do not share my acceptance of it.

Well I live in a SMALL town. So gossip spreads like wild fire. And some people might have a hard time keeping it to them selves. I have told people about Me possibly getting diagnosed. Like when I told my Father, I said “ I think I Have Aspergers” And he said “Damn that sounds like it hurts” Then as I explained the autism spectrum part he insisted that I did not have autism and he gave me his random knowledge of what people who have autism are like.

My Wife’s, Cousin’s, Husband’s, Father, Was a previous employer. (Yeah I know this is small town living at its finest!)

And my recent attempt at employment has failed again!

So on Sunday I will leave my 900 square foot trailer house to go to their 3600 square foot unfinished on 10 acre hobby farm and get to hear about how nothing is wrong with me.

I guess I should explain a little more.
Growing up my father always taught me that MEN don’t act That way! My whole life is a lie. I have spent all of my energy trying to be just a Normal MAN. Now I cant just be the grumpy anti-social guy.

Every one now knows I’m Not Normal (I’m sure they had their suspicions but in my mind I was normal. Now I Know That They Know.) I hope that makes sense.

Sorry, that you have to deal with that.

My mother also outright refuses to accept that I have Asperger's, since I'm not a drooling on myself moron. I believe her refusal is largely because then she would have to accept that she was a terrible parent (which she was, there were abuse and neglect issues with all her children) because she did not notice something was glaringly obviously wrong with me. Wrong, from the point of view that I've never fit in and been able to make friends.

It sounds like the best you can do is encourage them to respect your privacy and be prepared to educate. Have reliable resources that can talk about the spectrum nature of AS prepared - like a well written reputable website or other resource. Be prepared to tell them not only what AS makes more difficult, but what it has to offer. Do you have greater awareness than NTs, a special interest, any abnormally advanced thought, reasoning, sensory or other capabilities? I like to try to focus on my Aspie Superpowers - I do not have to study nearly as much as NTs to retain the same information, I can work faster and be more productive as I'm not distracted by the need to socialize, I can see patterns and pick up details many others miss. Find the positive. It's unfortunate, but finding people who assume everyone on the spectrum will be the kid from Mercury Rising is too common and won't likely go away soon. These people are burdened by ignorance, and their ignorance is in turn a burden to us. Relieve them of their ignorance by offering them the opportunity to understand. Yes, many will not believe or care. If anyone does though, that's one less stupid and biased person you'd have to deal with.

Think about why you care what others think of the diagnosis. If it has a concrete impact on your life (such as the ability to find or retain work, risking confrontation or bullying) then that's definitely worth focusing on and working to prevent by gaining support from authority. You do have legal protection in extreme cases. There may be a regional center you can find that will help you find employment and overcome related obstacles. If you care what others think in a way that is not directly related to a concrete impact, consider why. Do you need the approval of the ignorant masses to be secure in yourself? Does it matter to you to have the support and acceptance of the friends and family who you value, more than it matters to you that others may have a poor opinion of you? Again, focus on the positive even when there are many negatives. If some idiot in town thinks you're a knuckle-dragger, but that person has no real impact on your life, cannot change any of your real living situation, cannot jeopardize the positive regard your wife/friends/family/self hold for you - then what does it matter what that ignorant person thinks? Value yourself. Let the unwilling ignorant burden themselves without it weighing you down.