Hey,
My name is Gabriel and I don't know if I have Asperger's, but it seems extremely likely. I have always been uncomfortable with eye contact in most situations, or at least unsure as to when I should do it and when I shouldn't. I was always told by my parents that people would think I was dishonest if I didn't make eye contact. So for the longest time I would look people straight in the eye, though it felt uncomfortable. I am also pretty obsessed with writing poetry and playing music.
Lately I haven't really had time for it because I work at Starbucks. It seems as though I'm not very well liked by other employees there. I don't really talk much because I don't understand their cutting humor/constant sarcasm. There are a few people I don't mind talking to, but it seems as though I make them uncomfortable in a different way. I can't quite put my finger on it.
Wrong planet seems to be a well suited name. I've always felt like an outsider even though lots of social code was explained to me via spoken word. It's different putting such things into action. My best friend from high school turned out to be a psychopath. One day he told me that, "there is a thin line between him and people like Jeffery Dahmer". Which scared the hell out of me, later I began to wonder if I took such a comment the wrong way.
I always feel as if there is not only this social code, but like that there is this huge expectation to be "normal" and conversational. Sometimes I just want to be quiet and not be bothered, especially at work when I feel like I just want to do my job and leave. With people I don't feel comfortable with, I'm extremely formal and quiet because I don't know how they will react to my actual persona. I don't know, I guess now I'm just rambling... I just wish things were easier sometimes, I feel that I'm in a depressed state constantly.
I'm kind of scared to be diagnosed in a way.
edit: One thing that I forgot to mention is that I'm quite sensitive. Or at least, that's how my parents always described me growing up. I get my feelings hurt easily, but sometimes look back and see that it was irrational. I do sense other people's emotions, but I have difficulty connecting. Once I do, I feel like my intuitions are often correct on how they are feeling. Though, I don't always react or say the right things. In fact, most times I feel completely inept because I have no idea what the right thing is.
12 Jan 2011, 10:51 am
