Aspie wife

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Hiya, I'm new here. I've been married almost 12 years and my hubby was diagnosed 3 years ago. The last 3 years have been the best years of our marriage. My hubby, Paul, gets really really stressed out when any family visits us and we have a few houseguests scheduled this summer. Poor guy, he stresses pretty bad and gets terrible sores in his mouth. I wish I could do more than just let him sleep it off, which is how he usually tries to deal.

How about not havin houseguests. Is that really necessary? Cant they stay somewhere else? Like a motel or something? Probably everybody would be more comfortable that way.I mean, if you really would like to do something about your poor husband...

Well, it's my parents. They live about 1000 miles away and want to spend time with their granddaughter. It's for 4 days. Normally, they would take their RV to see us but my step mom has some chronic health problems and her doctors won't let her take the RV trip this year because her blood work is all crazy. So we have this huge house and an RV pad and normally that helps because they stay out in their RV and everyone can sort of set up their own space but this year it's different. This is really special time for my daughter...she turns 5 this summer and she misses my folks SO much. The last few summers when the visited, it worked out better, they didn't expect him sit there with them, we just let him go about his normal routine and took meals together. Even that is hard on him, though. How can I see my parents when I can't afford to fly to see them? They stress me out too but they are old and I only see them 1 or 2 times a year.

Can you talk to your husband and ask him what is what makes it so difficult for him? Maybe you can work something out. Maybe you can have your parents with you and make it easy for him at the same time. If it is difficult for him to eat with your parents, maybe he can eat alone or you can be with him while he eats, and then eat with your parents, or viceversa. You can manage not to change his routine so he does not have to suffer because you want to have your parents with you. You should also talk to your parents too and explain the situation to them, so they do not feel uncomfortable. I assume they know by now he is Asperger's and what that means, so they should understand. I always try to accommodate things for my husband. I know it is not always possible, but it's worth trying.

That's kind of what we try. My husband won't or can't tell me what it is that makes it difficult. I've explained to my parents about how nervous he gets and they seem to understand that he won't be spending all his time with us when he's home from work, it's just an ordeal for him to be around them (or his family) at all. His inclination in the past has been to follow me around asking "what's next" and to avoid speaking to them at all. Then, after they leave, he sleeps and sleeps and ends up with a mouthful of painful sores. Ugh. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. He's not sullen like he used to be before he went on anxiety meds but it's still so sad. His mom is really saddened that he's the same around her.

Welcome!

If he is asking "what's next" that means that he does not know how to behave or what to do. Probably it is anxiety because he had no idea where he is at. Is there any possibility you can schedule the visit and try everybody to follow the schedule? You can prepare it in advance and keep copies in every room so he can know what's next. That way he won't feel so lost and anxious. Just a thought. You can also trying talking to his doctor for ideas. Maybe he/she could help.
I know it's hard. But remember you married him for a reason. Just remember that he has some bad things, but he also have a lot of good things. And I can bet there are more good things that bad things. Just try to accept him the way he is and do your best to cope with his needs. You do the same for your daughter, right? Then you can do it for him, too. A big hug.

OMG. That is a great, great, great idea. I've done it to a limited extent but I was all worried that everyone will think I'm nuts and super controlling if I go to town with the idea. I don't care, my parents are nuts so I shouldn't be so worried what they think! Ugh. Parents. My whole little family loves having a set schedule, I am SO thankful you suggested it. I hope it works to help him, the mouth sores are the worst.

I am glad I helped. I hope it works. You should not care about what other people might think. Aspies love routines. Uncertainty stresses them (it stresses us all, but Aspies are specially sensitive to it). I have always worked with schedules with my little girl. They are very effective. I started working with them BEFORE her therapist suggested them, because I read in the forums about how good results other mothers got working the schedules. There is a lot of info over the Internet about it. They actually work better with visual schedules.

And do not worry. All families are messed up. Don't make me start with mine...

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