iam lost!

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how would i identify the nature of my thinking process, i cannot define whether i have an internal dialogue or not, or whether my thinking is purely visual or spatial or merely verbal. in my day to day activities, when iam out or just sitting in my room there is always this camera fixed to watch me, i mean in my head i always see myself from a distance whether iam sitting alone or talking to others or simply walking in the street, this thing creates so many boundaries for me, i do not really do certain activities, even if i have the urge to, because i have previously created this video of me while doing it, and using that camera, which i cannot control, saw it would be inappropriate, iam like locked in my own mind, or more like trapped, not just saw that acting that way would be inappropriate, but also fear the reaction of others to what i would do, it totally prevents me from doing what i need to do to make a change in my life, seeing how people's faces would sound like. how their bodies would react are truly impeding.
i am studying medicine, it is full of words, and i do 10 fold the effort my colleagues do , so i can finally get a B or a C+, i have a hard time moving on the study a new chapter or topic, when i have certain gaps in the previous ones, and these gaps are not normally imeding to my collegauges, in fact they do not see the gaps i see. not to mention the so many conflicts i face with my teachers regarding these gaps, and how they cannot follow me, in fact , people do not pay attention to them because they do not see a problem as i do.
i seriously need someone to discuss this matter with me, at least someone who has an idea of what it feels like,

Welcome to WrongPlanet, winterqueen!

Well, I don't, but I'm sure other people here do (it is my impression though that this subforum does not get too much attention).

Hope you enjoy your stay here

you dont what exactly?

Sorry, that was in response to your last sentence!

oh, okay, thanks for paying replying anyway hehe

My pleasure - Hope you find someone; talking to me about things like these is like talking to a dying fish

Hi Winterqueen. I was this way most of my life til recently. Severe social anxiety. Always see yourself as others might see you first and foremost cause you want to be liked. Truly do see yourself from a distance, I haven't heard anyone explain their experience with this in a way that so mirrors mine, so thanks for sharing.

I actually really liked being that way, made me feel most grounded and aware and myself, but it impeded my social life horribly and I was also increasingly depressed and suicidal during the adulthood portion this time. So I started on antidepressants and this got rid of my acute self-awareness. So I now have a social life but I do feel I've lost an integral part of myself, not forever hopefully, but I plan on getting off antidepressants if possible when my life is stable.

oh, yea, u call it self awareness , coz honestly u have to forget urself when it comes to socializing, this particular task makes me exhausted by the end of the day, and i am on the edge of becoming alcoholic, people when hearing this often say ur being silly, but they dont know how overwhelming it is, how it can drive me to explode each week, anyway , college life is getting my crazy, so many faces smells sounds and so many data that my poor mind has to deal with, not to forget that excessive spatial awareness of myself, and my position in daily activities. anyway, i will take ur between the lines advice hehe and i will not go for antidepressants, i wouldnt trade myself for anything, i will deal with myself with the way it is, the good things and the terrible obstacles.

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

okay i will read your blog Rebel, but i am not autistic if u thought so, iam neurotypical and i have no idea who invented this name! thanks for sharing