Hi, not sure if I belong here - adult with possible AS?

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Hi all. I'm a 49-year-old mom of 3, just trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I've moved way beyond trying to make friends and fit in and am now content to spend my time with my family, pets, and just hanging out doing the things I enjoy. But, being the analytical, introspective person that I am, I often contemplate what makes me so different from everyone else.

I am very introverted (100% according to Myers-Briggs). Like many introverts, I can't stand noise, chaos, or too much stimulation of any kind. It is very difficult for me to maintain my composure in such situations and it takes all I have to not run in a corner, put my head between my knees and cover my ear like some kind of a lunatic. Since this is not socially acceptable behavior, I've learned to 'zone out' in order to deal with it. Also, I've discovered earplugs are my friends.

I've always had difficulty making friends. It wasn't so bad through elementary school when friendship consisted of shared interests on the playground. When I got to middle school, though, things started to change. It seems that everyone else was moving beyond barbies and boardgames. Friendships became more complicated and I felt left behind. It was around this time that I changed schools, which didn't help matters. I had a very difficult time fitting in and I started to realize that I was very different from everyone else. I became very quiet and reserved and had a difficult time forging friendships. The few friends I had consisted of other outcasts such as myself.

Fortunately, I became very pouplar with boys in my late teens and twenties, so I dated quite a bit. I was never able to connect with other women though. I married at 22 and we went on to have 3 children. My husband is very outgoing, which I thought would be great for me. I figured I would just follow along in his wake, so to speak and make friends through him. It didn't work out quite the way I'd hoped.

We moved to a new neighborhood and I was determined to fit in, for the sake of my kids if nothing else. I went to all the get-togethers, parties, cookouts, etc. I was horribly uncomfortable, but I went anyway and tried to fit in, tried to make conversation. I observed others and tried to act like they did. But then I started to realize that I was being shut out....I couldn't seem to get into a bunco group, I was left out of baby showers, girls night out, and basically any women-only social gathering. I felt like it was high school all over again. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.

My husband loves to socialize, so he would often ask friends from his work to go out with us. We'd go out a time or two but then they'd stop inviting us and there were always excuses when he'd call them. It became obvious that it was me - I simply could not connect with any of these women. We'd end the evening and I'd think that it all went just fine, but I was obviously doing something wrong. It was frustrating, mentally and emotionally draining, and very hurtful.

We've both now given up and come to the realization that I just can't do it. I've come to accept it and I really don't even care anymore, except for my husband's sake. I feel like I'm depriving him of a normal social life. He does goes out on his own with his friends, but I know he'd like to social with other couples, too. We never do. Other than that, though, I'm perfectly happy with my life as it is.

But, I still wonder - am I just highly introverted or do I have aspergers? I've taken the online tests and I fall right on the cusp. Some of the criteria fit perfectly...social awkwardness, extreme senstivity to sound, can't handle chaotic situations, terrible at small-talk and chit-chat, extremely disorganized. Others, though, I'm not so sure....I don't like my routine disrupted, but there are plenty of non-aspergers who are the same way, I'd think. I do get sarcasm, although I do not get a lot of the party-banter that my husband is so adept at. I wind up standing there like an idiot because I don't get the references and I have no idea what to say. In fact, I have no idea what to say in so many situations. It is quite embarrassing. I do get the basics of body language - personal space, etc. I don't nor have I ever had any particular obsessions. Interests, yes, but I wouldn't classify myself as overly-obsessive. It's quite confusing.

My curiosity is more idle than anything else, though. I'm not going to go for a diagnosis because I really don't see the point. It's not as though they are going to prescibe me something to fix this. I'm not sure why I feel the need to classify myself, but I do. I guess it's just that I've dealt with this for all these years and I feel at least I deserve to know the underlying reason for all the angst I've gone through.

Oh my, this s so long. For anyone who bothered to read this, thank you! It helps to get it out and talk about it because I can't really do so too much with my kids. They just know that I don't really like to socialize with other people. Same with my husband. I suppose I could discuss this with my friends....oh wait...that's right....I don't HAVE any friends.

sounds like you belong here.it wouldnt hurt to get a diagnosis but a lot of people here are undiagnosed.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

It sounds like you know yourself pretty well and have accepted who you are. Are your husband and kids accepting also? I'd say you have found an explanation for your difference with autism even if you don't get a diagnosis. Each of us is very different and the spectrum is very diverse from what I have seen, so I wouldn't worry if you don't meet all criteria. No one does, I don't think. I also have found peace by not trying to socialize like "normal" people any more and find comfort knowing that I fit into a group - the Autists as I like to call us. You might find that you can make friends here with others of us on cyberspace. Good luck to you and welcome to WP!

Thank you all for the welcome! To answer your question, my husband and kids don't know that I suspect AS, but they obviously know of my quirks and are very accepting.

It was tough at first, but my husband has come to terms with all of it. He's fine with the fact that I avoid social functions as much as I can and when I do go, he's great at helping me along and making me feel as comfortable as I can. I was talking to my sister-in-law a while back about how I felt terrible that he had to sacrifice a social life in order to be married to me. I didn't mean for him to overhear, but he did and he broke in our conversation and made it clear that he's made no sacrifices whatsover and wouldn't change a thing about me. It really warmed my heart to hear that, yet I know if he could wave a magic wand and turn me into a social butterfly, he'd certainly do so.

As for my kids, a few years ago they began noticing that, unlike other women, I had no friends. My oldest 2 took it upon themselves to try to 'set me up', so to speak, with some of their friends' mothers. I was not happy. I finally explained to them that I had more than enough to do with my job and taking care of them that I had neither the time nor the desire to form friendships with other women. I explained that I am very introverted and don't get the same enjoyment from socializing that most people do. It took a while for them to understand, but they finally did and I am no longer hounded about it. In fact, we even joke about it from time to time.

I think that in many ways, though, my quirkiness has made them more tolerant and accepting of others, which is a always a good thing. I'm happy that they all take after their father in regards to social IQ, but I'm also proud that they have compassion for those who are a little (or a lot) different and have a bumpier road to travel.

Do you miss out on social cues, do you tend to take things literal? Do you tend to say the wrong things? Do you have a hard time with empathy and expressing your feelings? Does you husband think you act like you don't care even though you do? What do your kids think of you? How are you with giving them emotional support? Do you stim like hand flap or rock back and forth If you answered yes to all of these or to the majority of them, then it's more likely you may have it.

Do you want to know if you have it or not? Would it be important for you to know for sure that you do? If you have answered yes to one or both, then it wouldn't hurt to go get assessed for it. But it doesn't need to be official.


It's a possibility you could have some sort of social disorder, maybe social communication disorder and sensory processing disorder. You don't need to have AS or autism to be here. Or you could have PDD-NOS.


Yeah I think lot of aspies get basic body language, but that isn't the point. There is more than just basic body language. I used to think I could read it fine but it turned out I was wrong.

Woman, you are one of the most articulate, kind, caring and humorous females I have ever "read". I can understand why your family cares so deeply for you. Let me/us be your friends when you need it. This place has been a panacea for me when I needed to get it all out. I can finally rest knowing why I have been like this all my life. When I took the tests this is what I scored. Mind you it was before I knew anything about being an aspie. I just took it for fun because I thought my bf at the time was. It turns out I am even more so than he.

Your Aspie score: 139 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 76 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I too have a life like yours. I am not much older and my children are all grown now. I am quite happy to sit by myself all night after work or all weekend. However, I was not so fortunate to have a husband such as yours. Mine never could understand. The chaos of having three children irritated me so much because he would never give me a break from it.

Maybe just one friend would be good for you, one who understands as well. I had one for 30 years. She passed away a year ago and I haven't made another one. But I am looking for a mate. Hopefully one who understands.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Hidee-ho, Neighborette! Welcome to the Planet.

Welcome! "To thine own self be true" - you are the best practitioner of this credo I have met yet!

Cinbad, thank you so much for your kind comments. Also, I am so very sorry about your friend.

I truly appreciate the warm welcome from everyone. Whether I have AS or not, I feel like this is a place where I can be myself without fear of ridicule, unlike other message boards. I tell you, people can be really nasty sometimes, you know?

Welkome to WP!

Mick

how do we instant message?

Dear Lunaloo, I think I speak for everyone who read your letter, you are intelligent, perceptive, articulate, and you seem to have a lot of Asperger's traits. That doesn't mean that you have it. How about hanging out here for awhile, see if you 'fit in' with the way we think and perceive things, read some blogs, learn from Aspergers people what their lives are like, and you will probably have your answer. Personally, as sucessfully as you have handled your life, I don't see a serious need for a formal diagnosis. If your family income is high enough that testing would cause no budget problems, and if you have the time and would feel more comfortable with an official diagnosis, go for it. There are more than a few of us here who literally have no friends. Even without the lonliness, I think that society/media/culture makes us feel that something MUST be very wrong; it's not supposed to be that way. Well, sometimes it just is. You have been able to use your intelligence and perceptiveness to analyze your life and see that you have a good one, with people who truly love you and need you. That isn't always true of friends, sad to say...Sylkat

You don't have to be an Aspie to get along with Aspies. But it seems you really do have to be pretty Neurotypical to get along with the Neurotypicals.

Tell you what, hang around with us for some time first and see how it goes. If you feel you connect more with us than with the Neurotypicals, you could be an Aspie. If you feel you connect more with the Neurotypicals than with us, you could be Neurotypical.

Don't worry too much about the definitions, if you function better as an Aspie than as a Neurotypical it doesn't matter even if you're diagnosed negative for it, it'll be on balance more beneficial for you to assume that you're an Aspie. And vice-versa.

Some things may be hard, even impossible to know, but you don't have to know everything to apply it usefully in daily living, and that, in my opinion, is the more important bit.