learning the ropes

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Hi all. I'm so happy I found this site because I am making an effort to learn more about AS so I can understand my son (15 y/o) more. He was diagnosed with AS 3 years ago but was diagnosed with everything under the sun prior to that. Knock on wood, the medications seem to be working as far as his sleep and anger go, but he is starting to feel left out of things and getting depressed.
I am a single parent and have 2 boys, one is 15 and the other almost 14. The youngest is very popular and has many friends. Some of his friends are very accecpting of my older son while others dont understand. So any advice will be helpful. Thanks

First off, does he know he has AS? Secondly, if he does, does he know about this site? Unfortunatly, all you can really do is hope he's comfortable enough with you or maybe his brother to ask for help.

My brother was 2 years older than me and I still didnt feel comfortable asking for help from him or anyone in my family. Of course, I didnt know why I was different, I didnt know what autism was, and I was forced to believe I was ok when I wasnt(not saying theres something wrong with being autistic, but my mother kept telling me it was my fault things where happening to me, i must be the problem).

A common issue I have seen when dealing with undiagnosed or unaware aspies is that they seem to gain a reputation for being a problem child. People see thier verbal skills and intelligence as a blessing of normalcy or even brightness, yet fail to recognize that while we may be very intellectual, we dont fully understand social norms and standards. Some dont even know how to start conversations or make friends(Im one of them).

In my personal experience, its always been difficult to strike up friendly chit chat, especially females. This causes distress in many people, more so then just being shy. It can lead to an inferiority complex. Also, you may really need to look into his social life. He may not be telling you how bad it really is. Teens these days, and kids in general, are possibly more cruel than they've ever been.

Im 21 now and have come more to grip with what happened when I was young but you'll see many people on this site have been treated horrendously. Some by thier parents, some by thier siblings, some by other family memebers. But most, have dealt with a torturous life some time in thier school years. It can last from 2nd grade - senior year(as was my case), to a shorter but possibly more intense period in jr high and higher.

Its commendable that you are searching for answers for your son, but you also need him to start searching for himself. It may be helpful to teach him simple social skills that seem instinctful to you, or maybe you see a specialist or therapist. It all depends on your son really. Dont force him to do or be anything. He's a human just like everyone else and just wants to be accepted. All you can do is help him reach where he wants to be.

thanks so much for the response. As far as my son knowing he has AS, it is doubtful since I have never really sat down to discuss it. He has only heard the term and that is probably because of my lack of knowledge, or inability to explain it well.

He was diagnosed 4/06' and was a 6th grader in middle school. He was in a special ed self-contained class with a teacher who protected him well so we made it through minimal incidents. Now he is in high school and his classes main streamed with sp.ed. support. However, we are starting to see some problems. Sometimes he will want to fit in so bad he disrupts class and gets himself into trouble. ie: cussing, slamming doors.

At home, he wants his brother's friends to also play with him to the point he gets frustrated and has a melt down. I try to explain to him how to interact but sometimes my timing is off and he doesn't want to try.

I guess all in all I am lost and dont know what to say or how to say it.

any advice would be more than helpful

thanks,

Welcome to WP!! !

First I would like to say that you are doing the right thing in wanting to learn more about AS and wanting to help your son. It will help him and you out in the all run.

Second, I met some of my good friends through my sister. My sister is good at making friends and would join in on things because I had no one to be around. (I eat lunch with them and went to some moives.) However, I understand how your son feels. One thing that might help your son is if he could get involved in the high school like music, clubs, or sports. I know for me being a part of the band helped me to fit in and know people and make friends. Plus, you become part of a group just because you do it.

So I hope that helps you a little. You are doing the right thing in helping your son because it will make life a little easier for you and him as he gets order. Also, you might want to show him this site so he learns about AS and meet other with AS. (My mom was the one that found the site for me when I was having some trouble with socialize at college.) So enjoy the site because there is a lot of info on here that will help you.

thanks for the word of encouragement. This site has already been SO insightful you cant imagine. My son is involved in ROTC at school and that has helped him greatly. He interested in military so ROTC feeds right into it. He has gotten into trouble because of writing a stratagy of attack for his game and used the word 'kill' which caused his teachers to over react. But I think he understands this isnt allowed at school.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Far be it from me or anyone to tell you how to raise your child, but I suspect you already realize none of us would do that. I would suggest tho that you seriously sit down with BOTH of your children. Im sure by now(as you somewhat said), that your younger son is wondering what is up with his brother. I guarantee amongst brothers, they have a bond that, while sometimes can seem brittle, is far more powerful than you can imagine. I think personally, I would have told them earlier(but I understand why you havent yet).

I believe if you all sit down and speak openly (I might add, wheres the father but Im afraid I may be stepping on toes), many benefits may be gained. I believe the brothers will look out for eachother more, and you will also get a better understanding of your older son.

These are merely opinions and I am nowhere near an expert in the field of autism, but I think if you do this, your family will benefit from it. Remember, I can only speak from my experiences and desires that have yet to be fulfilled...

Passion Patience and Perseverance

Alan

thanks for your idea and I will gladly take all the advice I can get. I suppose I havent talked with my son about AS because the school minimized the diagnosis so much with statements like " it's the new trendy diagnosis" or " it cant be AS/PDD or they would have noticed it when he was much younger." Also the psycholigist/psychiatrist never said much just gave me the full eval for records. His medications didnt change either. Only in the past couple of years have I started to make the connection from my own observations. So with my lack of knowledge and the school's minmal input we've never really talked about it. But reading through some of the messages on this site has been like finding the key. The clinical diagnostics dont really give the reader a clear understanding of some of the behaviors. I did talk a little about it him last night and tried to get him to link to this website but he was focused on other things so all in good time. Also I should have noted eairler his father passed away 11 years ago and I have never re-married.

Im terribly sorry for your loss and his. A father is a key component to a boy becoming a man. I lost mine when I was 9 years old so I have a little understanding to how he may react if you do in fact find another special person. All in due time tho.

As for the psychologists/psychiatrists saying "they would have noticed it earlier", I say this. THATS BULLSH*T, excuse my language. I too was told this, that its only diagnosed in younger years, its not possibloe because im too bright, or what not. Pay no mind to those fools! Unfortunatly, experts arent what they used to be. It used to be you could go to a doctor and say hey doc, this that and the other things are wrong. The doc would go, oh, this is what you have, this is what you take. People arent as good at thier jobs anymore Im afraid. it also doesnt hel that what we have is known as the "invisible disease/disability" depending on who you talk to.

Honestly, it may take some time to reach your son but keep the fight alive. Make sure he knows he's loved and that you're proud of him. This will mean more than you could know. Too many times children in general, let alone aspies and auties, are left to wonder if there is anyone there for them. It may not be today, and it may not be for years, but I promise you this. If you start now making sure that both your children know how much you love them, they will express it later on in life as something that helped them when times got rough. Just knowing there was someone to talk to, even if it was nothing important or urgent.

If you couldnt tell, I didnt get this. My mother is also autistic and didnt know how to be a mother. My father died and she was left with 2 kids to put food on the table for and clothes on thier back. Make sure there was a roof over our heads and a bed to sleep on. For that I have made sure to the best of my ability (nowadays at least), to let her know how much I've appreciated it.

Too many times people forget the simple things in life. The smile that passes by or the dishes being done for once. Good luck and feel free to keep us posted. Ask questions as the come, and most of all, show your children how to be happy.

Passion Patience and Perseverance

Alan