I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and clinical depression.
I feel lucky when I have a day when I don't ever feel that sinking feel in my chest like my heart is going "well f**k this."
I am over critical of myself and others.
I don't understand when people compliment me; I think they're delusional.
For the past few years I have found it really really horrible to interact with people. I act like myself for a while and when they try to get to know me better I feel as if need to get away. I have really bad self-destructive behaviours and thusly I am scared of drug abuse. Though I am unsure why, I don't want to die.
I think.
I fear the pain. I fear the ripples left behind.
A couple of years ago I tried overdosing on painkillers. Didn't seem to do anything. Overall, the experience just made me feel stupid because I made myself look like an attention seeking arsewipe. <That's a regular insult I deal to myself, along with: f*****g idiot, ugly bastard, dumb s**thead etc. etc.
I am chilled by the idea of getting close to anyone or vice versa. I find myself currently obsessed with the songs Vermilion... "I can't make her real"
In music I find a voice. Usually in very melancholy things. It seems to leech the feeling of depression out of me. But I know it just reinforces the s**t.
So I try to play the blues on my Guitar. It's miserable but it doesn't sound miserable. I play Grunge and try to get out the frustration I feel for... well... feeling...
I am sorry for posting this.
The wonderful thing about the internet is you can talk about personal things and yet be incredibly distant. So the part of me that loves gets an outlet, the part of me that hates makes the outlet as pointless as can be without contradicting the other part.
I want to be happy. I want to achieve what I want without fear of being enslaved to behaviours I have developed or have intrinsically because of my diagnoses. I think I want the impossible: I want to be someone else.
I should be asking a question for advice or something. But I don't know the question anymore. I've talked to so many people and so many therapists/counsellors/psychiatrists and have met more s**t. I've taken their advice and done things that have just reinforced my negative views and pessimism. Bad luck or self-fulfilling prophecy? I don' know. I've shot down their advice because I can't see their merit. One lady found me so difficult she simple put me on Fluoxetine. The small dose got my energy up but I was still kicking myself every time I thought I made a feux pas or some dumb action. The higher dose made me worse. Afterwards, I was practically catatonic for months. Somehow I attended school during this time. I remember one of my classmates described my state as being "like a black hole".
I know that I have never been the same since secondary school. I don't know why but I think I became something close to obsessed with a girl. Over the course of 4 years, it seemed to open up a wound I never knew I had. I am now scared of "feelings".
Sociopaths are meant to have near to no feelings. I sometimes wish and wonder if I could just let go by torturing someone's pet or something. Be some serial killer.
But I think that's more of a dark joke than anything else.
s**t.
Why did I post this....
10 Nov 2011, 6:45 pm
