jokes and more jokes galore!

Post Reply New Topic

a guy walks out from the hospital, very proud after his testicle implant. he sees a kid:

g: hey kid, your balls plus mine is equal to five.
k: really? you got three balls!! !
g: yeah...

next he sees a chinese guy:

g: dude. your balls plus mine is five.
c: really... that's amazing!! !

later he sees a pilipino dude:

g: hey, your balls plus mine is equal to five.
p: omg!! ! you got one ball? what the heck happened???

four catholic moms were bragging about their sons:

mom 1: my son is a priest, and everyone calls him father.
mom 2: my son is a bishop and everyone calls him your grace.
mom 3: my son is a cardinal, and everyone calls him your emminence.
mom 4: well... (sips her coffee) my son is a 7'2" well built male model, and everytime he walks into any place all the girls scream "OH MY GOD!! !! !"

In the forest there lived a rabbit and a bear and they disliked each other. One day they were walking along and found an old lamp. They both grabbed it up, at the same time and a Genie appeared out of the lamp.The Genie told them since both of them had found the lamp, they would be granted three wishes each.
The bear wanted his wish first and said, "I wish that I was the only male bear in the forest and the rest of the bears were females."
Then, poof! He got his wish.
Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." He said.Then he got his wish.
It was the bear's turn again. He said, "I wish that I was the only male bear in the country, and all the rest were female." He then got his wish.
For the rabbit's second wish, he said, "You know, I wish I had a motorcycle to go along with this helment." Then the rabbit got his wish.
It was the bear's last wish. He said, "I wish that I was the only male bear in the whole wide world and every other bear was female!" And he got his wish.
For the rabbit's last wish he said,"I wish that bear was gay."

a ceo, his president and vice president was in a limo. the ceo just came from a trip in arabia and bought an old lamp as a souvenir. when he rubbed it a genie came out but he was confused who rubbed first since all three hands was on the lamp. so the genie says ok i'll grant you a wish each.

vp: i want to go to the bahamas!! ! (poof he was in the bahamas)
p: i want to go to boracay!! ! (poof he was off to boracay)
ceo: i want those two idiots to be back here by lunch time.

Rumsfield walks into the oval office.

"Mr. President, I have bad news. Three Brazilion soilders were killed in Iraq last night."

The President hangs his head and says, "Awful, this is just awfill."

"Mr. President, I don't understand! We've lost people before, but I've never seen you this upset."

The President raised his head and said, "Don, ..."

"How many is a brazilon?"

You know that you are talking with an extroverted engineer if he stares at your shoes, not his own.


The physics student does not have his homework.
Instructor asks what happened to it.
Student answers that last night he measured its momentum with such accuracy that it could be anywhere in the universe now.

how do you greet a blind person?

simple: dude!! ! long time no see.

hope he doesn't kill you though

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, combining the result of many independent health studies, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans


Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Two guys walk into a bar. But the third guy ducks. (thereby preventing a bruise)

A sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer". The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".

A guy goes to a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He is the only person in the bar other than the bartender. He is drinking and hears someone say, "hey, nice shirt". He looks around and the bartender is facing the other way, so he figures he imagined it. He goes back to drinking and hears a voice say, "hey, I like your pants". The man is a little bit confused again but goes back to drinking. Then he hears the voice say, "I like your haircut". So finally the man asks the bartender,
"hey did you say something?".
The bartender says "no, why?".
"well," says the man, " I heard a voice tell me I had a nice shirt, then it said it liked my pants, and just now the voice said I like your haircut".
"Oh," said the bartender. "That must be the peanuts. They're complimentary".

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "how about a budweiser?" Descartes replies "I think not," then disappears.

A zen Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything".

the mother superior of a monastery has a secret relationship with the gardener. one night they were making it out, problem was one of the novices can't sleep. so this novice went into the basement were the art artifacts were (where the mother and the gardener were also miaking it out) upon hearing the door, the mother superior dressed quickly but the gardener had to act like a statue. when they met, mother superior toured the novice around till they met the gardener acting like a statue. this is their conversation:
n: mother, what is this?
ms: oh this is the statue of liberty.
n: wow this is so life like! it's amazing... OH MY GOD MOTHER!! ! WHAT IS THAT?
ms: that? that is the key of liberty.
n: (grabs the joystick) wow mother. that's pretty warm. (something drips) mother, what's that dripping from the key?
ms: oh that's the liberty condense milk. wanna taste it? it's pretty good.

Oh that is gross. I am not only not a Catholic, I am a Gnostic - and I take offence at that one.