Hello I'm Aireal

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It has been said by some other people with Asperger's that I may have it. I need help figuring this out.

Even the name of this website appeals to me. I've often complained I don't belong to this place. I hate the social constructs. They're complicated and arbitrary.

I don't have friends. I have one person who I keep close and confide in. I do not "love" my family. I don't really like anyone, and I describe myself as being misanthropic. Despite this I have found I desperately seek attention. I am loud and embarrassing in public, people say I am this way because I want to show everyone how tough I am. I am not tough, I am just trying to be myself. Not at the expense of others but that's how it seems to come across.


I have alienated my entire family with my behaviour. Many of them believe I am rude, nasty, inconsiderate and an animal. (More on that later)

I have my doubts that it's Asperger's. One of the factors was that I was badly abused growing up. My mother tried to kill me, she beat me, she exposed me to a lot of bad stuff. She did meth while I was in utero. People tell me I'm exceptionally intelligent, but I don't exhibit a lot of the behaviours related to Asperger's.

I don't obsess on one thing. I have a variety of interests. I seek attention/am very social, I just alienate people. I am okay with change and things being different. Aside from my extreme social problems I don't think I exhibit the qualities of having Asperger's.

A person I met online suggested I check myself and linked me to a quiz.

The results were.. well direct

Out of 200 questions I got 150 in favor of Asperger's



My family hates me. They think I'm rude, and that I'm too honest. That I should hide how I feel and think. Once I married Andre (my hubby) they asked me:

"And when hes making six figures who is he going to take to Christmas parties? You? Don't make me laugh."

They say I have no manners. I never say thank you, please, how are you, have a nice day, merry Christmas, good morning. It's not just that I don't remember to say it (in some cases) but I also don't like saying it. It seems hollow.

My interests are in writing and English. I'm not a fan of maths and numbers. I like to read.

I'm not good with taking care of my physical appearance. I don't like to wash or brush my hair. I like the computer, I play video games and write and draw. I probably spend 16 hours a day on it. I'm not a savant at any of these hobbies though, I'm not even remotely good at some of this stuff. Writing is my biggest strength I think.

So I don't know what I am. Socially isolated is what I am. I can't hide who I am, even when I try the real person squeaks through the cracks. I feel like I'm wearing a mask when I try to make friends, whenever I show my true colors they are usually annoyed/disgusted.

Is this asperger's? Or am I just suffering the social anxiety of some one who's lived in isolation and abuse for many many years? Am I just abnormal from being exposed to meth in utero. I don't know but I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of people hating me. I just want people to see me as human. Not "Tragically smart" or "what happens when you don't raise a kid."

Age:21

Location: Canada

Hobbies and Interests: Writing, drawing, reading, learning about history, science, and animals.

Why are you here? I need answers, I need a community. Maybe people will understand me here.

When were you diagnosed?(skip if you don't have a disorder): When I was 11 I was diagnosed with manic depression, server PTSD and failure to imprint.

When I was 19 I was diagnosed with SAD (Social Phobia)

Favorite subjects: English, Science, History, Animals (species, breeding habits and trivia)

Year/Grade: None. I did terrible in school.

Favorite music: My music preferences change every year. Right now I'm enjoying old school Hip Hop, Pop, Dubstep and Ambient.

Books: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Job: A divine comedy, Good Omens, Practical Demon Keeping, Going Postal, Prelude to Foundation, I robot,

TV shows/Movies: Documentaries, Fringe, House, Storage Wars, Billy the Exterminator,


Instrument: Synthesizer

Do you like sports? I watch MMA sometimes.

Family: What family?

Clothing: Hoodie, no shirt underneath , baggy jeans. No socks no shoes, no underwear.

How did you find this website? I googled "Do I have Asperger's?"

Job: None, unemployable

Plans for the future? Live in a self sustainable house off the grid. Eliminate my dependence on the s**t destroying the planet.

Some of your problems could be related to your mother doing meth while she was pregnant with you. I was full term, but under weight, probably due to my mother smoking while pregnant. You are undoubtedly also suffering the effects from an abusive upbringing, too. However, some of the things you mention do seem to indicate some type of disorder. I think you need to take a copy of your online test results to a psych doctor, and ask him for an evaluation for any kind of disorders you might have. Also tell him/her what you have told us about your symptoms. You also seem to be somewhat depressed. Do mention that to the doctor, also.

I don't think you are a misanthrope--anti-social. What many of us are is non-social, rather than anti-social. We don't hate people in general, we just don't handle social situations well, but would like to. Since we don't do well in the general community, we tend to become non-social introverts. Some of us handle being solitary types better than others-hermits. Some of us would rather be part of the herd, but because of our disorders, can't function well in the herd. I am one of the hermit types, and prefer being alone most of the time. You seem like you would like to be with the herd. That's a hard row to hoe. The only thing I can suggest is to find things to do to occupy your time. You are already doing some of that by reading, watching TV, listening to and playing music, writing, drawing, and surfing the web to further your own personal education, but there are other things, too.

- Exercise--the endorphins this generates will boost your mood.
- Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free.
- Join a club.
- Volunteer with charities.

You are already doing a lot to keep yourself occupied. I know this helps because it helps me a lot with my chronic life long depression. I am managing it well without drugs or therapy at this point in my life. I did have a bad spell a few years back because of financial and family problems, and was doing therapy for a while. But now I am living alone and on SSI for my other health problems, so my stress and depression levels eventually dropped down to where I can manage without the drugs or therapy.

Since you still seem depressed and unsatisfied with how your life is going, you may benefit from seeing a doctor for an evaluation of any disorders you may have, and some help with the depression.

Although there is no cure for these types of disorders, there are treatments that can help. So see the doctor, and get some of that help!

Well after spending some time in the chat I think It's pretty clear I have ASD or Aspergers. Just hearing people talk about things I had kept secret, things about myself I didn't understand.

Like why I can't stand showers
Why I flutter my hands
Why I bite my tongue
Why I rock, Hum, and mumble to myself
Why I can't stand certain types of clothes
Why I feel like I have a man's brain in my head
Why I bang my head when I get too upset
Why brushing my teeth feels like a death sentence
Why I am repulsed by physical touch from strangers
Why I have a hard time being comfortable/loving people

And a lot more I can't think of right now. It felt so strange and such a relief to hear others telling me they act like I do. That they feel like I do. That sometimes they do stuff they don't mean to or want to.

Not to say none of the other stuff is an important factor, but now that I don't feel like some isolated weirdo I feel happier, more confident in myself

I understand why I sometimes feel the need to cover my head, why I can't stand certain sounds and textures. It's been put in perspective for me. I live in a situation where I don't have access to health care, but my Husband is supportive of us trying to see if I can get a diagnosis of some sort soon. In my mind it's very doubtful that these major commonalities of behavior are all a result of PTSD. Some of these things have been going on with me since I was very young, before a lot of my bad experiences happened. I used to hide in small spaces, rock, hum, howl.

I think I will do okay within this particular community.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

go to a psychiatric professional... find out for sure

Only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health practitioner can make a valid diagnosis - don't let any poseurs tell you otherwise. AFAIK, not one single member of this website is such a professional, so you're better off consulting such a professional than asking random strangers on a social website.

It's easy for everyone to say "Consult a professional" but when you live without health care there's not much that can be done. I don't have money, I don't have insurance, I'm not even a citizen of my current country I reside in.

I understand why people say consult a professional but a degree doesn't always mean they're right. I got to suffer for a decade with kidney failure before doctors figured out what was wrong with me. I've also been handed dangerous psych meds in the past for bipolar disorder. 3 second opinions later I was told I definitely had no such thing.

Sadly I do not have that option any more. An educated guess is better than an uneducated one. I know I fit a lot of the criteria here, so it's better to find kinship in people like myself than to isolate myself more because a doctor hasn't diagnosed me.

For the first time in my life all the secrets I've kept have been explained in a way I understand, and people do not hate or resent me for the way I present myself.


Do you know if there is a place I can find resources in Canada for a diagnosis/health care if I'm not a citizen? Any help would.. help

Welkome to WP

Mick

Speaking from experience, every urban area has locations dedicated to need based health care. They can refer you to people who perform these services pro bono...

It is not easy to tell you to get an official diagnosis - it is necessary. Without a diagnosis, there is no way to make a treatment plan and move forward.

I am sorry your doctors were wrong in diagnosis before. Psychiatry is not a precise science, and as such, no one can know what chemicals will work on which brain... but without the official stamps and papers... you are just self diagnosed and no one can help with that.

You wouldn't go into an oncology department and state "I have rectal cancer - self diagnosed." You shouldn't do it with any psychiatric disorder either. I have my personal reasons for saying get a diagnosis... but you probably don't want to hear them, so here is the logical argument for it.

I know it sounds like a cut and paste answer, but it is the only way to move forward. Without a diagnosis, there are few treatment options available to you, even if you do have medical insurance. That diagnosis is key to figuring out what needs to happen from therapy, to medications, etc. Without it, in the eyes of the medical community and most forums, you are akin to the character Sugar, from glee.

I know it sounds mean, and that is not my intent... but if help is needed, then the proper steps are required.

I see. Well I wont impose myself on the community then.

I will not be able to get a diagnosis given my current situation, for several years. I am already living with other chronic medical problems, but sometimes one gets "Stuck between a rock and a hard place" as it's said.

I will be back when/if I manage to get myself out of said situation.

If you choose that course of action, you are missing the point of everything I said.

THERE IS NEED BASED MEDICAL HELP WHERE EVER YOU ARE. Period. If you choose not to look for it, then you are only doing yourself a disservice...

your call.

Need based health care in Canada is extremely scarce.

Especially where I currently live.

I would not be currently suffering with a broken tooth if I could find said need based healthcare. My friends and family have been looking high and low for doctors and dentists for my tooth and my tumour on my wrist.

The world is not black and white. Your perceptions of reality may not be mine. As I said if I could obtain these things I would.

As long as you are a legal citizen in canada you have health care, so why would there be need based health care in Canada? That means it caters exclusively to illegal immigrants like myself, which Canada doesn't want in it's borders.


If you are so sure it exists, show me, please. I can't even eat properly with my tooth in it's current condition.

If you're an illegal immigrant in a country, what do you expect? Most countries would be the same.

You only need to see doctors if you think they can help with something. If you just need to work out who you are, doing your own research is best.

When you're with people, do you need to take breaks to go off by yourself? Everyone has different kinds of abuse that gives them different social urges, but I think every single person with Aspergers would need to take breaks from being around people, to discharge.

I am torn between pointing out the fact that canadians still have to pay for their healthcare, and as such there will be need based programs and pointing out that being an illegal causes unique problems of its own. (Speaking from experience, however, I found need based assistance in my time in canada)

I am a little surprised that you would come to a place where asperger's is a very common diagnosis and seem genuinely shocked that there are black and white views.

What I am trying to explain, however is this: There are as many forms of autistic spectrum disorder as there are autistic spectrum people +1. A different form + the diagnostic criteria. We're all different... and without the psychiatric degree, none of us are qualified to help...

It is not a lack of willingness, but a sense of responsibility... anything we have is purely anecdotal and cannot help beyond that. If you receive advice from one of us claiming to be able to give you definitive help... I would take that advice with a bowl of salt. If someone here claims it... they will give you the same advice I have, because treating someone over the internet is not treatment.

I say these things because, in psychiatry, false hope is a travesty against the patient. It is an attempt to help in the only way I can.

I was not complaining about that. I was simply stating the reality of my current situation. America would not be like that because its own citizens need health care because they cannot afford insurance.


As for the question bellow, about needing to recharge. I simply assumed everyone did that. I find cleaning my room and or reading helps me get the anxiety of being around people out of my system.