jokes and more jokes galore!

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yeah, it would have been one thing if it were offensive and funny, but it wasn't even funny enough to warrant the offensiveness

How much does a pirate spend to get his ear pierced?


-About a buck an ear!

Arrgh! Now that's a joke, but where IS me parrot?

A guy walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling. He says to the bartender, "hey, why do you have meat hanging from the ceiling?". The bartender says, "Well if anyone can reach those steaks and pull them down, I will give them a hundred dollars. The only catch is that if someone tries and fails, they owe me a hundred dollars. What do you say, you wanna give it a try?". "No", says the guy. "the stakes are too high" (steaks/stakes)

I heard that one today, yes it is really lame, but it was funny when the guy told it because it was so bad.

a termite walks into a bar and says, "wheres the bartender?"

Guy goes into a bar and sees a tiny little piano player performing in front of the tip jar. Walks up to the bartender in amazement. "That's incredible! Is it real?"

Bartender goes, "Yeah. He plays just any song you want if you put a quarter in the tip jar. All I gotta do is feed him every so often and make sure he gets to sleep go to the bathroom twice a day."

Guy puts a quarter into the tip jar. "Okay, little piano player, can you play 'Fuhr Elise'"? Surely enough, the little piano player starts doing a note-perfect rendition of 'Fuhr Elise.' "That's amazing. Where do you get something like that?"

Bartender says, "Well, I found a magical lamp, but I think it's busted because I only got one wish out of it. I don't really have any use for it, but maybe you'll get something good out of it." He hands him the lamp.

Guy rubs the lamp and the Genie comes out, really cantakerous. "C'mon, man. You woke me from my slumber and I was having the most awesome dream about getting laid with the Olsen twins. What the hell do you want?"

Guy stammers, "Well, I guess you're supposed to grant me a wish, right?"

Genie gets really impatient. "C'mon, man. I don't have all day. What's your wish."

Guy goes, "Well, I guess I'd like to have a million bucks, but..."

Genie says, "Your wish is my command." He claps his hands and disappears back into the lamp. Suddenly, a buck appears right next to him. And then another one appears right after that. Another one appears behind him, which then proceeds to smash glasses and furniture.

The guy starts shaking the lamp and starts rubbing it furiously, to no avail, just as more bucks are appearing in the bar. "Hey, I think this thing's broken!"

"Yeah, I'll say," the bartender goes. "Do you really think I'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?"

dad: why are you crying?
daughter: i passed the test. huhuhu...
dad: passing test is good, so what is it?
daughter: it's a pregnancy test.

So there were three sisters, and they all had really weird names.

The first sister, Maple Leaf, decided to ask her mom one day "Mom? Why did you name me maple leaf?"

And her mother responds, "Well, when we were taking you home from the hospital, a maple leaf blew on your head, so we decided to name you Maple Leaf!"

And the girl says "Wow really? That's pretty cool."

Then the next day the second sister, Rose Petal, walks into the room and asks her mom, "Mom? Why did you name me Rose Petal?"

And the mom responds, "Well, when we were taking you home from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your FACE, so we decided to name you Rose Petal!"

And she's like "O rly I never heard that before that's pretty cool."

Then the next day the third sister goes up to her Mom says: "UUUUUAAAGHHHHH"

And her mom says "Shutup Brick."

one time, i was sitting in a court room watching my lawyer friend defend his client. it was going on smoothly till the prosecution called his client crazy, my friend went berserk and said "your honor, i request that statement be removed from the file!! ! my client is not crazy or insane or a lunatic, he is only psychologically challenged."

as jesus was teaching, the pharisees brought a woman caught in the act of adultery:
p: rabi, we caught this woman in the act of adultery, and in the law of moses she must be stoned!
j: very well, he who has no sin may cast the first stone.
as they were thginking someone did throw a stone. as they looked around, the saw mary the mother of jesus picking up a second stone. with this jesus replied:
j: ma! i'm teaching them forgiveness. how will they learn?