Thx for welcoming me. I guess I should've introduced myself first, but I was trying to go unnoticed. Maybe that's inappropriate...I thought so and reconsidered the whole intro thing.
I always wondered how people could write others off so quickly. I've always wanted to be social and tried all through school...I learned to fake it most of the way, but I always felt out of place like I really didn't get them and that my friends really didn't get me. It was awkward.
I was molested by a not so good "family friend" when i was 5-6 (i didnt know how to tell my mom and was not very direct when i did, so they just kept taking me over there for the next several yrs~ was very upset about this and felt abandoned by my parents bc of it) and was pushed around for one thing or another throughout elementary. All I wanted was to be accepted by peers and family, but I got the same disappointment from my mom as I got from my peers, it seemed. I was in at least 2-3 fistfights a year in grade school and fought with boys and girls ~ I hit a kid on the head w/a dictionary in the 1st gr and got punished by having to sit on a stool in front of the class wearing a tall pointy "dunce" hat, (they hit me on the head first mind you), i hit a kid in the head with my backpack and drew blood in the 2nd gr, 3rd grade my teacher hated me and my mom & sent me to the office repeatedly for hygene issues, 4th grade i got so mad at a classmate that i stabbed him with a pencil in the arm (id been complaining of ths prick for @ least 2 wks up to this meltdown), got my ass beat up by a girl on top of the classroom tables in the 4th grade, and got into @least 3 more fights btw then and the the 6th grade. I did badly in school bc I was so disorganized and couldn't keep track of my stuff, but I was so scared of my parents that I'd get a beating when I got home for my grades. So many horrible memories...
Things went on like this until middle school, when i tried to off myself by slitting my wrists. This did nothing but embarass my folks, and isolate me firther esp bc everyone thought id done it at school. It was a mess! And my parents were so concerned anout their image in the neighborhood...i remember being so mad at them and just wishing theyd get rid of me. Iwas on my hs deill team, but was more interested in making good grades that i never practiced and the girls made fun of me. One girl made up a horrible rumor about me having sex in the parking lot and noone believed me...after this i couldnt take it anymore and just quit: i convinced my parents to sign some document showing their support for me togo to the GED classes. I was in the 10th grade when I dropped out to dropped out to start my real life. I'm now married with 2 wonderful kids, both on the spectrum w /1 officially diagnosed.
I was very mistrusting for all of my youth and didn't change my outlook on life until I was ~21. This is when I discovered that I didn't have to impress anyone and only had to live for me. No one is running my race but me and I am my ONLY competition. If I can improve myself, that's all I need to focus on. So I made a conscious effort to work on my behaviors/social skills everyday for like 2-3 years. [Now, I don't have to think about the interactions so much anymore, I am just myself, but have learned to read body language/facial expressions and how to pick up on subtle nuances of other peoples behavior. I've also read books on different personality types so I'll know how to deal with people appropriately.]
I decided at this point that I was the one that was different & if I wanted to have meaningful relationships, I'd have to trust people; that's when I thought up my method for dealing with people and methodically gauging someones "reliability" or "friendship" through the addition or subtraction of points. It has seemed to work for me and i think I'm happier because of it, ie I don't have to worry about it bc I know their rank and only have to wait for them to either be nice or stupid, it was totally up to them ~ not my fault if they ruined it.
Anyhow, I got a little emotional and thought I should explain this method a little more... I WANT to trust people and that's the kicker. Some people w/AS just don't want to risk it. I'll take the risk of rejection now bc I really don't care if they like me or not...I am who I am and that's it: take it or leave it. I really don't need any more of the NT BS and I'm not competing with any of them anymore. it's all me, and I guess being married makes it easier, but that was a whole other set of freaked out episodes! For another time.
11 Jul 2012, 5:12 am
We get a few real internet trolls on here and have to keep them weeded off the site.
