I don't know how to help my son

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Hi,

I joined hoping I can get some ideas to help my son help himself.

He's 23, well into the genius level, very musically talented, loving to his younger siblings, and struggling to get along in the adult world.

We took him to a psychologist when he was 9 about ADHD. We were told he didn't have it because he can hyper focus on things that interest him. Knowing more now, I believe he was misdiagnosed then and most likely had and possibly still has ADHD.

I never heard of Asperger's until he was probably 15 or 16. By the time I'd read enough to recognize that he has many of the classic traits, by the time a couple of people had told me he is exactly like their child with Asperger's, he was really too old for me to make him do anything.

So...he's struggled over the last years to keep a job, with his temper, with social skills and difficulties, with money, with having car crashes, with legal and financial problems as a result of these things.

It breaks my heart to watch it. I can only imagine how much despair he must feel at this point both for his own situation and watching his younger brother soar through college on scholarships, headed toward great futures. He and I have had many talks over the years about his temper. I know he's worked hard at controlling it. We've talked about why people react to him as they do (the still face, the steady eyes, the monotone voice--things he doesn't do on purpose, but they unnerve people). We've talked about ways he can help those things but he doesn't follow through. We've talked about the possibility of Asperger's, but he feels I'm just criticizing him.

I've hoped he would finally take a hand in looking for some help, but today, I'm back to wondering what I can do to at least point him in the right direction, and any advice on how to talk to him that he can hear and consider the possibility, rather than dismiss it as a criticism.

Does he acknowledge that his problem in life is him?

Why would he? Very few Aspies would place all of the blame for their difficulties on themselves.

The evidence I've seen here does not support that statement.

As a general rule, no.

The problem is lousy, rotten customers, for example. Or other employees who are stupid.

He'll say he understands it's his own fault he got a speeding ticket, but go from there straight to ranting about the legal system and ridiculous consequences.

Is there a way to help him see better that he can change things about himself without him just rejecting it as criticism?

Well that is pretty tough. I would think what he needs for starters, is to see a professional and try to get an accurate diagnosis. But if he does not agree he has a problem you are very limited. Perhaps printing out a short description of what Aspies are like & seeing if he would read it to see if he feels he matches the descriptions. You do not really know what the problem is (or if there is one) but are concerned enough to want to investigate it honestly, and he should investigate it too, even if just to eliminate the possibility, if it proves false. If there is something there (and from your description it is definately possible) then it's like any other medical condition in that the sooner it is found and identified the better. Another thought is to suggest he visit here. Not necessarily to talk, but to read what other Aspies are saying and to see if any of this sounds familiar to him.

The thing is people with autism cannot typically change everything about themselves just so they don't unnerve people by not having a lot of physical expression on the face, monotone voice and steady gaze. I honestly would take that as unnecessary criticism to, considering I cannot exactly make myself have a different facial expression, talk different or gaze differently. I mean those are kind of personal things that anyone could take offense to.

I mean as for speeding tickets the best thing to do is pay for the ticket and then try not to speed....but I don't think criticizing the symptoms of aspergers is the best approach. Also typically people with aspergers do run into external issues due to not functioning normally, so there very well could be lousy rotton customers or employees causing problems....the worst thing you can do is encourage him to blame all his misfortunes on himself though he shouldn't blame everything on everyone else either as that does no good.

Welcome to WP!

Welkome to WP

Mick

I agree, my son and my husband, it's never their fault. The situation, the person, the customer, the co-worker was wrong!!

You and I seem to have a lot in common! My son is 26. He has the same difficulties as you say your son has. I too came looking for some help. You seem to be able to talk with him, so can I with mine, which is a good/bad thing. Any suggestion is seen as critisism(sp?). You don't trust me! You think I'm stupid. I'm going to change. On and on and on. Where we go from here is anybody's guess!
















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Well its probably not true that its 'never' their fault, however its probably not always their fault either. I mean its not the person with aspergers fault they have symptoms of the disorder or difficulties associated with that for instance.

I agree that it's not always their fault. I guess that's my frustration showing thru. I have had to learn to adjust to their thinking and ways. My husband doesn't like to make even small descions for fear of being wrong. Son just doesn't take responsibility for his actions and acts on impluse. I have always thought as we all got older it would be better for us, but that isn't happening.