The answer I've been seeking for almost 41 years

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Hello all,

I'm newly diagnosed after a lifetime of trying to figure out what was so wrong about me that I couldn't have, or manage to accomplish, the things someone with my "gifts" (yeah, whatever...I'm supposedly way smart and all that useless s**t) ought to be able to. Simple things like a social life, or a romantic relationship now and then...or EVER. And there's the fact that I have an M.A. but work as a secretary because I bombed out in the field I was educated in. Too much stuff that I just couldn't handle; now it's obvious that the things I couldn't handle were because of my Aspie-ness and not yet understanding my limits.

I do have a few close friends who are exceptionally wonderful people--and although I'm sure there is some bias behind that statement, there is also the somewhat painful truth behind it that only exceptionally evolved, healthy, strong, compassionate people can overcome the off-putting aspects of my Aspie ways and focus on what's good about me. I've worked hard to be passably normal, although it is exhausting to keep the front up, as I'm sure many of you are well aware! A couple of these close friends, the ones that know me best, acted in concert (without knowing one another except in passing, and without any discussion between the two.) to gently bring me to the point of recognizing that I had about a bazillion Aspie traits that I was oblivious to. I brought the info to my psychiatrist (who is affiliated with the local Asperger's group--total coincidence, I've been seeing him for years. Like many women, I came to my diagnosis through the "back door" of mental health issues. He didn't catch it because I was in some cases oblivious to certain traits, and in some cases just didn't think they were relevant) and he diagnosed me. The funniest part is when I tell people who know me well, if they have any direct experience with other Aspies, they invariably tell me that they either suspected or KNEW that I was an Aspie too! I guess I was the last to know. I even knew about the disorder, having at least a couple of people in my life who likely have A.S. (one of them my cousin--his wife is one of the two amazing, loving friends who helped me connect the dots) but I just couldn't see that I had these traits myself, in spite of my desperate desire to understand what made me so different from others. I somehow understood by the middle grades of elementary school that my mental experience of life was in some way profoundly, fundamentally different from what most other people experienced, and have spent years analyzing my actions and behaviors (with a scientific approach, as one of my diagnosis-helpers pointed out) trying to figure out just what the deal was. I have been profoundly unhappy most every day of my life--I am one of those sad Aspies desperate for acceptance and connection, perpetually frustrated, perpetually thinking I'm building momentum toward the goal, only to be smacked down every time. Finally I was diagnosed, and not a moment too soon: I was beginning to consider suicide within the next year, actively researching the most foolproof, least painful methods, because I thought I just couldn't go on the way I was living, or rather, existing, because that's all I was doing. I'd quit hoping for anything else.

All I've wanted for countless years was to understand what was wrong with me. Now I do, and it's been a heady couple of weeks. Every day something new occurs to me: I can forgive myself for being such an idiot about certain things, it's not my fault. It's okay that some days I can't answer the phone; I'm not a jerk, I just can't talk to others some days. I won't bore you with further details, as if I haven't already bored everyone half to death with the minute and trivial details of this post. I have trouble boiling things down to a central meaning--I'm all detail, no big picture!

So all in all, just glad to be here (as in not-dead and not about to make myself dead, as well as able to meet others, albeit virtually, who understand and accept the kind of "quirks" that have kept me separate from the world. Does anyone else feel like a half-material, half-ethereal creature with only one foot in the human world?)

As a footnote, does anyone else desperately wish there was a way to turn off the ANIMATED emoticons visible to the left of the text box when trying to compose a post? Because movement in my peripheral vision makes me Ka-Ray-ZEEEE and it seems like others here must be bothered by this!!

This pointless rambling courtesy of Jen T. in Tucson

Welcome to WP!

Welcome and congratulations! I finally found myself in the spectrum at 46 and it was WAY too late, but better than never!

I first found out a few months ago. Made my world a lot easier to undstand.

Helle

Welcome to WP - there are many other people here who only found out they were Aspies later in life.

I didn't suspect that I was an Aspie until I was in my fifties. Nearly two years later I was diagnosed, and I am still seeing a psychologist about emotional and sensory issues. And I am still learning new things about myself.

I really hope you feel at home here.

Glad to read your post. I was nodding as reading it, and could've written parts of it. May you continue to understand and forgive yourself and hope to see you on here.

I really liked your post. I'm quite a bit younger, but I related to your experience.

And yes, the emoticons drive me crazy as well, I don't even like them when they are inserted into posts. I remember being confused when I first joined and thinking "Why does WP have caracatures of facial expressions? Can most people here read them?"

Thank you all! I'm so eager to talk to others with similar issues now that I know for sure. At first I was hesitant because I worried I wasn't "Aspie enough." I thought I was sort of a borderline case. But the more I talk to people in my life (let's just say they generally far from surprised) and the more I read about it, the more I realize that in spite of the fact that I have some friends and am able to hold down a job (albeit a tedious low-level one) I am not as "high-functioning" as even *I* thought I was.

Every day I make new connections...today I've been pondering my emotional reactions to major life events and am realizing that my response to death and other losses is very flat and detached compared to what others seem to be experiencing. I care but I don't, is how I would describe it. It's a hard thing to admit, but I'm not only faking normal everyday behavior, I'm also faking true caring in a lot of ways. I know what sorts of things I am supposed to say to someone who is suffering, but only by rote. Sometimes I can feel sad for someone else if I make a great effort to imagine how I would feel if something was happening to me. That's not the same as putting myself in someone else's place, which is how empathy is often described, I think. I have to very strenuously force myself to pretend the things the other person is going through are actually happening to me, then analyze the feelings I might have. Often, but not always, this exercise will allow me to behave appropriately to pass as NT.

Every other part of learning I am on the spectrum has been positive and freeing. Eventually this one may be as well--in fact, I am sure it will. Yet another thing I can forgive myself for instead of berating myself over what a stone-hearted b*tch I am. I do my best, that's all I can do, right?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick