I've always felt socially awkward and different, but other than that i don't have significant symptoms that may suggest i have asperger's.I was a very unruly child, i was 'expelled' from my first kindergarten because i was constantly making fun without refraining from socially inappropriate words such as 's**t', when i was supposed to stand still and keep quiet.I also preferred engaging in games exploiting my rich fantasies constantly nourished by cartoons(many hours a day-obsession?) rather than pretending ones with more children, still i didn't avoid them either, especially when i got older.
Then i turned into a pretty quiet and shy child.I've never had many friends but used to like gathering up with more kids as was the case with my birthdays or playing football.When i was about ten i was obsessed with football(soccer), sometimes memorizing unnecessary stats, and always watching matches on tv no matter which teams played.Until my teen years i had quite serious issues greeting adults, especially if my parents were nearby.I think they made me nervous, especially my father.Another suggestive trait of my childhood was being an extremely nosy baby.I would fall asleep very hard, and then was very easy to wake up by every move and touch which led into endless cry sessions.I also had some ocd traits, not willing to eat certain foods, not willing to eat from certain plates or using certain forks etc.
Before entering high-school i developed a severe disease phobia.I was permanently under an imaginary but imminent death threat which couldn't be brought to an end without pills.That came after a period i was very focused on study.I was in the 7th grade and had to make a good GPA to enter a good high-school, and even if i was not isolated socially i didn't consider socializing an important part in my life.I would escape through spare classes with my collegues to go play network video games, i was invited out by acquaintances but nothing could release me of the stress of the end of the year assessments and that combined with the overriding feeling that the summer would be deadly boring, without meeting colleagues and without a strict assignment to carry out, led to my breakdown after which i've never been quite the same, turning into a depression prone person.
In the high-school i did feel for the first time like an outcast.I felt like i have nothing in common with my colleagues.I came across as childish, shy which i was so much, and a target for others jokes and fun making.My heart was throbbing of nervousness whenever i went to the blackboard.I felt so lost with so many different people around me i had a hard time just deciding who i should try getting in touch with.I had been brought up as an informatics contest participant and in the high-school i came to realize i don't belong to that category, but didn't made another one either, so i was out of category thus out of social life.I couldn't wait to return from school and spend endless hours on different forums.Then, things got better when i discovered new passions and got to know myself better.
Now, one of the main difficulties i have are being sidetracked in a group of people.My natural tone doesn't allow me to fit naturally into conversation, thus i feel like having to shout to join in.Many people ask me to say again because they didn't understand what i was telling them so i'm either talking too loud, or talking too silent.I'm a visual thinker so i have a hard time expressing in words what i'm thinking, although i'm very good at writing.My voice is monotone and cannot support with nonverbal cues what i'm trying to say.
Never having had a need for routines, strong obsessions since being an adult or severe impairments in socializing rule out an asperger diagnosis.Tests i took were not indicative of autism(AQ 15-20, aspie 50-80 nt 120-160) but i did score as being in the broader autism phenotype, with the exception of rigidness, because, again, i never felt the urge for routines.Could that be it?
07 Aug 2012, 5:44 am
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