new member - kinda unstable - 'new' to Aspergers...

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I feel silly typing that last bit, since I have always thought that everyone who had ever met me (at at least talked to me more than twice) knew I was somewhere on the highly functioning end of the autism spectrum. Apparently not =P

Anyway, I've only ever received treatment for ADHD, though I only ever sought that when I was anxious or depressed - I typically tie my sense of self worth to my productivity, and when I'm at the top of my game I have met precious few people in 'my league.' It's been a long, long, long time since I can remember actually feeling like that person, but the ADD meds at least have always helped keep me from being homeless or worse.


Recently, it all got so bad - some family issues combined with a move away from my 'safe' social groups - that I was totally and completely broken. Lost another job, lost 30 lbs, stopped leaving the house at all, and was focused on a project I was JUST SURE would work out (in my defense, sometimes my big ideas really do work out!) and it all got to the point where I wasn't even eating or getting out of bed. I had one day where I felt productive, and I applied for a bunch of new jobs and went straight to my doctor's office. They are awesome and got me in.


After I spill this all out, he's gazing at me, and goes, 'Are you familiar with Aspergers?'

I blinked. Several times. I'm like, 'Uhm, I know I've only been seeing you a few months, but did I REALLY neglect to mention at any point that I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum?'

...

So anyway, he did give me something for depression and anxiety which I'm trying to convince myself to take. He recommended I consider applying for disability, which I'm having trouble wrapping my head around. I'm still not doing well, but honestly admitting it's time to change something is kind of a big deal for me.


Having the official diagnosis is weird. I'm trying to sort through things in my head but I'm still too batshit crazy to get anywhere, I think. I'm even questioning if I/he was even right with the ASD, because I'm clearly atypical or perhaps have forgotten what it's like to not overcompensate.


Like, I have extreme empathy. I used to have to turn off the TV when something embarrassing happened to a FAKE PERSON. I give and give and give to the people that I love, and often it drains me so much I end up useless and then often the people I love turn out to be not good people and yet I love them anyway.

I NEED social interaction - continued isolation has TERRIBLE effects on my mental state. Unfortunately, there's a negative feedback loop there where I feel more and more uncomfortable socially so I start avoiding it and, well, it's not pretty.

Really,, I have taught myself so many things over the years, and now I can't seem to figure out what is actually me and what is just some adaptation or another I've made a habit - especially right now when all of it is crumbling. I am capable of convincing myself of anything - logically, even! - and so I even feel like I might not have a very good grasp on reality anymore, if I ever did at all.

I also can't shake the self-hate, although I am well aware that I am truly gifted. I'm scared and feel very alone and so I am here because I do know that I am hardly alone in this. Thanks for reading.

being on disability allows me to work part-time so the over-empathy and work of showing empathy don't overwhelm me. i'd feel bad if i weren't contributing, because i ,too, am gifted and don't want to waste it.

i got an MD and worked thirteen years before i applied for disability. i saved some lives, but also had weaknesses, which eventually caught up with me. there was some time when i only did volunteer work, but i've had my part-time social work job for over four years now. i still dream (literally during sleep) about practicing medicine. it's not out of the question, just unlikely, that i would get a part-time job doing that.

i'm married (X 3 yrs.) and happy with my life. i don't believe in giving up.

It did me a lot of good to hear that someone similarly gifted has managed to take this disability and turn it into something that works for them as well as others. I think that's part of my problem, I have these grand expectations in my head and the idea of 'giving up' doesn't suit me at all. I have myself convinced that this is temporary, and also scared that it is permanent, and can't really make sense of much of anything these days, so...

I dunno. Solidarity helps, so thank you =)

Welcome to WP spaghedeity

I'm new here myself, but I have seen a lot of people with similar issues on the site, so you are not alone. I recognize much of what you write:

I know that I'm very gifted in many areas, and it has helped me hide some of the problems that I have, particularly in relation to my executive function disorder (EFD). The severity of my EFD varies with my mental state, so the more overwhelmed I am, the harder it is for me to get anything done, and I've had periods where it's been so bad that I could hardly get out of bed, let alone take care of myself. At better times, however, I've been able to accomplish quite a bit (I used to be a scientist, and now I run my own biomedical research organization). My EFD is still there of course, mostly in the sense that it's difficult to stay at task or getting started with projects in a timely manner, but since I pick up on things very easily, I still manage to complete tasks by doing everything in a frenzy at the last possible moment.

I found out about my ASD last year, after a complete break down that nearly ruined everything. I regressed pretty badly, and was more or less bed-ridden for a while. I realized during this time that I had been compensating for my ASD almost my entire life, and it had worn me out to the bones. I have now gradually re-learned what MY needs are, instead of trying to meet the needs of people around me (which was an attempt to play along with their random emotional outbursts and obsessions with norms), and as I slowly regain my energy I'm starting to function better.

I will never be as efficient as some people around me, and I've learned to accept that. I've accepted that sometimes I can't make myself get out of bed, or deal with daily trivia such as personal hygiene or grocery shopping or typing emails or paying bills. It's ok, because I'm lucky enough to be sufficiently gifted to somewhat compensate for these issues.

I guess what I'm saying is that what you describe sounds familiar to me, and the only advise I can give is to accept, and some day maybe even embrace, that this is who you are, and it's not going to be the end of you. You can still accomplish a lot, as I have, if you don't try to go against your nature and push yourself too hard. It sounds to me like you have completely exhausted yourself, and that you are very low on your reserves. Recharge for a bit, go easy on yourself, and embrace who you are. You are still as talented as you ever were, and you will be able to accomplish a great deal, but do so on your own terms.

Or, at least, that's what helped me get back on track.

The wondering 'what is actually me' is something I experienced too. It did not occur till after I got off the treadmill so-to-speak and was coincident was realizing I probably have Aspergers to a degree. It was very strange, and a little painful re-evaluating my past experiences thru this new and clearer lens. Looking forward is a bit strange too, and difficult to concieve. It was easier when I just thought I was 'different' and would plan things like anyone else. But I feel less confused personnally, and have gained more understanding of myself. That in turn has improved my ability to relate to my family, though it has not been without difficulty, once they understood me better (in light of the new information) and I in turn don't give in to the negative aspects of my personality, defensively. Don't know if that exactly makes sense .

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick

Welcome to WP! But I think I already PM'ed you

Welcome to Wrong Planet!