I am sure that I am not the only one here who can say "I have lost so much of my life to mental illness."
No - Asperger's Syndrome is not a mental illness.
But it is a difference, and, w/difference, comes difficulty.
Prolonged difficulty can lead to mental illness.
In my case, the mental illness has been "Major Depression" - a new name for prolonged, pervasive misery that makes daily life torture.
Had my parents and especially my doctors known what was "wrong" w/me, my life would have been - so much easier, so much better. But they did not know - and niether did I ... No one was to blame.
But now I do know - so, if I do not "do something," then I will be to blame. I do not like being at fault! - and that is what brings me here ...
I am working on learning on how to live w/Asperger's Syndrome - and Major Depression (after 33 years, MD is as much a part of my make up as even Asperger's Syndrome, so, like Asperger's Syndrome, it cannot be ignored away).
I wanted to be somebody - anybody! - else for so many years that I feel - reborn! I know who I am and how I am - and why - and that is wonderful! For the first time in nearly 50 years (I am 48 years-old), I do not feel that I must justify my very existence. [For instance - it is not my fault that I cannot bear to be in noisy, crowded places, among exuberant people who are yelling to be heard above the din - places where no one is saying anything worth hearing and where the only thing that anyone present really wants is to soothe the itch in his/her underpants. (I tried casual sex once 30 years ago. That was a nightmare that I have not forgotten. How anyone bears it is - thankfully - beyond me.)]
And that's the most important (and beautiful) thing! I can let go of most of the things that I do not understand - please, one of you at least, tell me that you do understand what I have just said ... I do NOT have to be "normal" to be happy! ... What others call "normal" is misery to me ...
So - 48 and just getting to the business of late adolesence - ah, well ...
I have just re-enrolled in college to finish up my degree, so that I can move onto graduate school. My goal is nothing less than a PhD in mathematics - yeah!! ! ... My parents are dead. My sister loves me as I am. So, no one is left who has license to yell at me for not being able to tear myself away from my books.
math & classical music & cactuses* & dogs = the things that make me happy
noise & crowds & hot weather* & sports & politics & the news & the radio & twitter & texting & deadlines & fashion & haute cuisine & "music" that is not classical & status symbols & pushy people & small talk & games & science fiction/fantasy & the "supernatural"/"paranormal" (& all such nonsense - psychics, for instance) & the outdoors & alcohol & drugs & escapism in general & vacations & junk mail & gambling & clutter that is not books & touchy-feely people & New York City (where I was born and lived for 42 years) = a very short list of the things that I detest
Why? I do not know, and I do not care - goodie!
*Ironic, isn't it?
Ah - yes - my name is Mark. I am 48 years-old. I live in New Jersey (and, yes, I am weird enough to be happy in New Jersey). I am an atheist - devout. And, if pressed, I say that I am bisexual - but more because I do not care about gender than because I find this or that attractive (or even interesting) about either sex. (I have known both - and neither is better (which means less annoying) than the other. One cares too much and the other not enough - guess which one is which and why ...)
Oh, yes - lest I forget - "Hello! What is your name? How are you?"
17 Oct 2012, 12:52 am
