A lost soul in a dark place

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Hi everyone!

I don't even know how to start so I'll just jump in and write what comes to mind. Apologies for that! My mind can be a little scattered at times.

Anyway my name is Texasholiday, and I will be 28 years old in five days. I'm female and I've never been on a date or had a boyfriend. My father takes care of me financially and my mother takes care of me emotionally (they are divorced), and I feel extreme guilt about being "an adult child." Mainly I stay in my house (I'm blessed to have my own house) with my dogs and play World of Warcraft when I'm not sleeping or crying over my guilt or something similar. Horseback riding was a HUGE therapy for me all these years... until my bipolar twin sister did something awful last March that sent me spiraling into a horrible depression and that has really made me lose all desire to horseback ride. That hurts horribly because horses have always been a part of who I am and are great therapy.

I won't go into detail here as I know this is the "Getting to know each other" forum - which is the correct forum for me to post my story about this? Thanks!

I have a double whammy diagnosis: I was diagnoised with major treatment-resistant depression at age 13. I was 26 when I was officially diagnoised with Asperger's Syndrome. The new Asperger's diagnosis was a relief and a new burden at the same time. It explains why I was always "different" but didn't know why. It explains why my school years were so terrible. It explains why I couldn't handle going away to college in a town two hours away from my parents and dropped out to move home. I'm still in shock because it explains so much.

I am on anti-depressants and searching for a new counselor by the way.

My father and twin sister are the two other "major players" in my immediate family when it comes to mental illness. My father is a bipolar alcoholic who emotionally and physically abused me all through childhood because he couldn't understand me. My identical twin sister is also bipolar. I myself am *not* bipolar but have recurrent treatment-resistant depression: I don't get the "highs" that my dad and sister do.

You might ask how identical twins could have different mental illnesses when they are, you know, identical. It's the same concept as one identical twin being born with cerebral palsy and the other being born normal. The genes were unevenly split between us. And in our case neither of us is "normal." We are both mentally ill (and currently estranged).

At the moment I am grieving the loss of my "old" twin sister - her bipolar has changed her into a cruel, cold, angry person and I want nothing to do with her because she has no tolerance now that I have officially been diagnoised with Asperger's syndrome. I fell into a major depression in April after a horrible incident with her and her husband and I am barely reaching for the light again at this time in December.

I've been in constant emotional pain since I was 10 years old. My mind is tormented by the major treatment-resistant depression and confused about the relatively new Asperger's diagnosis. I long for a day when my mind can rest.

I am excited to have found WrongPlanet and hope I can learn more about myself here and feel accepted by others who share the same disorder I have.

Sincerely,
Texasholiday

Allow me to welcome you then!

I've had somewhat similar things (not exactly your story but similar in some ways none the less) going on in my life.
and I also want to be able to have my mind and emotions at rest some day. I would give you a hug if I could because nobody deserves to go through that sort of thing. (and I think few people really understand the deep emotional pain that comes with all of that)

I think you will fit in just fine around here.

Hi and welcome from me as well. This is a great place, and very supportive.

I don't know how/why your depression is labelled 'treatment resistent', but in terms of antidepressants given to Aspies, doctors are sometimes puzzled by our reactions to them. It took my dr six attempts to find a drug that suited me: the one I now take is ancient(!). One a day helps, two a day helps a tiny bit more, but three or more make everything worse. In terms of medication, the key word for me is 'balance'. I know there are also issues with some other types of popular treatment, for example Aspies don't seem to respond too well to 'standard' CBT.

I'm not an expert at any of this, but I mention my (far from unique?) experience in the hope that the Aspie diagnosis might help you to get treatment that renders your depression a bit less 'treatment resistent'. Hope it helps, and very best wishes to you.

Thank you for the welcome, Batzalel and ChrisP!

Batzalel, here's a virtual hug for you! *HUGS*

ChrisP, here's the definition in a nutshell from MayoClinic:

If you've been treated for depression but your symptoms haven't improved, you may have treatment-resistant depression. Taking an antidepressant or going to psychological counseling (psychotherapy) eases depression symptoms for most people. But with treatment-resistant depression, standard treatments aren't enough. They may not help much at all, or your symptoms may improve only to keep coming back. Treatment-resistant depression symptoms can range from mild to severe and may require trying a number of approaches to identify what helps.
Your family doctor can prescribe antidepressants and give you advice. But if your depression symptoms continue despite treatment, see a medical doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating mental health conditions (psychiatrist). You may also need to see a psychologist or other mental health professional for psychological counseling.

There's a lot more on it but I'm a newbie and haven't made five legit posts here yet so I can't post the actual link.

My story: I've been on so many different anti-depressants and combinations of anti-depressants and seen so many different doctors (and counselors) over the past 15ish years that I've lost count of them all. I've even tried "old school" drugs for depression. lol (I've also had a Vegus Nerve Stimulator surgically placed into my chest in 2006 in hopes that it would help relieve my depression - it didn't unfortunately. I've also done over 100 treatments with Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation which didn't help very much. About the only thing I haven't tried is shock therapy...)

I totally agree with you about "balance" being the key word with medication. While the medications I am on now have not cured me, my current doctor and I have figured out what seems to be the mix of anti-depressants that help alleviate the symptoms that come with my depression. We've tweaked little things at times but even changing little things can make a tremendous difference, and we always seem to come back to this particular combination and dosage of anti-depressants.

It's funny that you mention Aspies don't seem to respond well to CBT because that is something I did not know... and I tried a counselor who specialized in CBT last year and it absolutely did not work for me! That very well might explain why! LOL Thanks for the info on that! I'm learning new things here already!

Hi & welcome to WP,
Sounds like you have had a rough road. Hopefully you have found a place where you can talk with others with similiar conditions & experiences and who get what your saying.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! This is a very good place to find support.

Welcome to WP from a fellow Texan!

Hi Toy_Soldier, noxnocturne, and Tim_Tex! Thank you all for the warm welcom!

Welcome to WP, Tex!

I am Fnord. Also an Aspie. Officially diagnosed just a couple of years ago. I am in my mid-fifties, married, and gainfully employed. My diagnosis explained so much that I'm still trying to sift through it all. Suffice it to say that just knowing what has been holding me back has been a relief, and has enabled me to make appropriate adjustments to my behavior and expectations.

Your situation seems to be more severe than mine, but that does not mean that yours will not improve. My dad had bipolar depression, and he self-medicated with alcohol. He died an unrepentant, bigoted, bullying drunk almost 10 years ago. You, I think, are much stronger than he, and now that you have found us, we are here to advise you.

Fair warning though, some of us (yours truly, especially), will try to give you honest advice, even if we know it may hurt. This is not meant to excuse the hurt we may cause, but to emphasize that giving honest advice that is unpleasant is more important to us than expressing comfortable deceit. In a way, this is like real life in the NT world, but with less back-stabbing.

Again, Welcome! If you have any questions, our fine staff of moderators is here to answer them. Please review the purpose of each forum before planting threads, and don't feed the trolls!

-Fnord-

Isn't depression a fairly healthy response to the challenges of being autistic and not having a clue?

Hi Fnord and peterd! Thank you for your welcomes!

Yes, depression is a very typical response to being autistic and not having a clue. In my case we don't exactly know how much of my TRD is from having Asperger's for 26 years and not knowing it and/or how much is from genetics since bipolar disorder runs all over my father's side of the family. I can tell you that I've been told that I have both Asperger's Syndrome and the treatment resistant depression by both an autism expert and a very good psychiatrist. What they disagree on is how much the Asperger's affects the depression and vice versa. It's confusing and irritating not to know where one ends and the other begins or if the depression has just plain been due to having Asperger's and not knowing it! (Although I'm fairly sure that since my father and my identical twin sister are both most definitely bipolar, I am pretty sure I have some form of bipolar/depression in addition to Asperger's.) Thoughts are appreciated.