I'm new -- spouse diagnosed with AS yesterday

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Hi, all--

I'm Arky, and I live the rural Southern US. I'm 24 and my husband is 30. We have been together 6 years, married 4 1/2 and have a 3 year old son together. He also has a 7 year old son from a previous relationship. He was diagnosed with AS yesterday, a 107 on the KADI (still not completely sure how that's scored, but I am sure that will come as we meet with our therapist over the next few days and learn more about what this means). We actually started seeing a therapist, seeking out this diagnosis, as I started thinking he may have Asperger's about a year ago. From 2007-2008, I worked as an assistant teacher at a preschool for kids with developmental delays, and I never suspected my husband may have Asperger's. It wasn't until last Spring, after reading some stories on adults with undiagnosed AS, that I thought that sounded like him.

Our marriage has been quite happy, actually. We both love to travel, and we often take last minute trips to close or not-so-close places. We both enjoy word games, reading, and have a lot of the same favorite subjects. However, we are our only friends. I have old friends from my childhood with whom I still keep in contact, but as far as meeting couples or family friends, we have never had any. That is something I have missed tremendously. I love my husband and son, but I need some outside interaction sometimes. I am sure everyone can relate to that! I am hoping that through therapy and some helpful reading material, this will help him make friends easier, because I know that he also yearns for someone to talk to, other than me, of course.

My husband is incredibly intelligent; he is finishing his undergraduate and has a 4.0 GPA. He is a History major, and wants to go to architecture school after graduation, so he can be a historic preservationist. He is very meticulous in his studies and gets very upset if anything interrupts his study routine; he often stays at home or in the library to work on homework while I do other things. He has told me on several occasions that he would never need any interaction if he had a room full of books.

He also does living history and Civil War reenacting, and on a grand scale, making most of his own gear by hand, without a sewing machine. He even grew his hair so he could have the right "period correct" haircut for it. This intense and seemingly overnight interest (it has lasted about 18 months) is what led me to believe he may have AS. Before this hobby, he always had some interest he was looking to get lost in. When we met, he was obsessed with WWII Germany. I can remember some of our first conversations, and how he would tell me everything there is to know about random Nazi officers. I thought it was charming how he was just bubbling with enthusiasm and intelligence! Over the course of our relationship, he has been interested in several topics, ranging from the ones I've already mentioned to religious studies (he even went so far as to "convert" to Islam-- however, this was very brief), roots music (he can play any stringed instrument, drums, and a little piano), and archaeology, specifically Biblical archaeology.

He also has his moments that completely frustrate and totally exhaust me. We have very few big fights, but we do have a lot of little spats. Before I knew he has AS, I would get so irritated at his lack of empathy. After I had my son, I got incredibly sick and developed an infection. I wanted him to outwardly care more than he did. Most recently, I had the stomach flu and was in a lot of pain-- I REALLY wanted him to rub my neck, but because he "didn't know how I wanted him to do it," he wouldn't even attempt it. When we do argue, he repeats everything I say back to be, criticizing every word I say. If I say something that doesn't make sense to him, he'll repeat it over and over, "...but you said THIS, and that means THIS." I feel like we are never able to fully work through an issue because he nit picks all the little, inconsequential things I say in passing. He has had a lot of financial issues, and still would if I didn't curb his hobby spending. Most importantly, he has no relationship with his oldest son, because his ex wife has borderline personality disorder and their relationship was volatile. We have been working on trying to get visitation (he does pay child support and always has) for the past two years, but he often wants to give up on it because he becomes so frustrated. These are only a few of the things he does that seem overtly typical AS behaviors. I could probably type a list of all the small things he does for DAYS, but that's not what this is about. He also has dysthymia and anxiety, but the more I learn about AS, the more I think these are actually a part of that.

Basically, the reason why I am here is to learn from you all. I feel like if we had gotten this diagnosis years ago, or if he had gotten it as a child, our lives together would be much easier to manage. I want to know if there are any others out there with newly diagnosed significant others, and how you all are dealing with it. I have ordered some books, but in the meantime, feel free to contact me here. I am open to any and all ideas.

I'm looking forward to networking with all of you. I am online a lot, but I am a full-time student and I work a lot, as well, so it may take me a few hours to reply, but I WILL reply!

xo,
Arky

Welcome to WrongPlanet, arky.

Your husband most definitely sounds like a lot of individuals here on the board. (Good thing he didn't convert to Nazism, as well ).

I think I just found my long lost brother!

Oh by the way, greetings and welcome to the Wrong Planet.

Greetings,

Your husband sounds like a very neat guy. I think your relationship will probably improve greatly since you'll both now have a much greater understanding of him. You sound like you are definitely eager to learn about AS, and, of course, it would be best if he also wants to learn about himself too - to be more aware of the kinds of things that might take him off-track in an argument, for instance.

I can really relate to your description of his intense interests, especially how they do often start overnight and then can last for years. I used to be obsessed with WWII Germany when I was aged 8-11, actually. I would read every book in library on it and try and dress up in uniforms. It's pretty funny thinking back. As a teen, I also got obsessed with religions to the point of pretty much converting, such as Shinto and, more recently, New Age Buddhism.

Regardless of when he got the diagnosis, your starting point is right now, and it's still a good one. You seem like a wonderful wife because the fact that you admire and respect him really does show in the way you talk about him. He's a lucky man.

Thanks for all the replies! I feel welcome already!

A sweet welcome to WPea.