Its not me, its them--I think my hubs and son are both aspie

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Hi, my name is Erin. I am married to a really good man and we have a wonderful 12-year-old son together. They both drive me nuts.

I suspect they both have Asperger's. The most maddening thing is the way they both feel like it's OK to say mean things to me or to yell at me for any reason big or small, and expect me not to be hurt by this. Hubs justifies his behavior, blames the victim (me) and denies that his angry outbursts have any effect on me. Kiddo is a jerk to me, then as soon as I get angry or start to cry (happens all the time) he is sorry and full of promises never to do this again. That lasts until the next time he gets mad at me.

To be honest, I think my husband is a bad influence on my son, because he acts as if his bad behavior is perfectly acceptable. Then my son sees it and thinks that is how to act. I have also gotten news that my husband calls my son names and acts in other asinine ways to him when I am not home.

What makes all this worse is that I have my own set of issues, being hyper aware of what other people are up to, easily hurt by their unintentional behavior, over-sensitive---in short, the exact opposite of them. This means I am constantly getting hurt by someone I love, which makes for a very painful existence. I try to rise above it, but that is not easy.

Life in our house is always full of turmoil. The last few months have been particularly difficult, including car drama, death of a grandparent (hub's father), unemployment, plus a million small things .....the list goes on and on. We homeschool and it has been hard to keep a a schedule with all the other drama going on.

I doubt my husband will ever be diagnosed, not will he ever acknowledge that he has anything wrong with him. He seems to want to help our son, but I don't believe that will extend to examining his own behavior. I think that's too bad, because I believe anything he tries to do for our son would be much more effective if they tried to do it together. Not to mention, it would be a huge bonus to me if they both stopped engaging in hurtful behavior.

What does any of this have to do with your suspicion that both your husband and your son have asperger's?

You state that idea, and then never return to it.

Your husband sounds like he's verbally abusive, and it sounds like your son is following him as a role model.

Which sucks- if true.

But being verbally abusive is not a symptom of asperger's, nor does being 'normal' ( or 'neurotypical' as we say here on WP) doesnt preclude you from being verbally abusive.

What makes me think they have Asperger's is that they don't seem to have any clue as to how their behavior affects me. They also are fairly clueless as to body language, nonverbal cues, metaphorical language, generalizations, and emotional control. Neither one of them seems to have a lot of empathy. Neither one of them seems to have any filter on their mouths--everything goes right from their brains to their lips. Neither one of them have any boundaries with personal items--they will use my personal hygiene items, my towels, even my toothbrush! and then wonder why I am upset by this.

My husband was a big flop in marriage counseling because he was unable to articulate even the simplest things, like, what do you expect from your marriage? He has trouble with cause-and effect relationships, as in he doesn't seem to link his behavior to the outcome. He also is continually surprised when people behave in ways that do not fit his expectations. For example, there is a treacherous woman who makes his schedule at work. Every time somebody annoys her, she retaliates by drastically cutting their hours. This always shocks him.

Just now he was telling me on the phone that we should tell our son, if he doesn't straighten up we will give him up for adoption. This strikes me as bizarre, and he was totally serious! In fact, he could not understand why I was telling him this is not an option!

My son is completely fascinated with trains. He lives and breathes them. He goes off on long monotone tangents about esoteric subjects like timetables or engine power or other crushingly boring things. I have a hard time following him when he talks like this.

He also does a lot of things that seem thoughtless or just plain selfish. For example, last night he ruined my birthday dinner with tantrums and selfish behavior, and then was totally confused about why I was angry with him. He wanted to make things right afterward, and I could not get him to understand that the moment was past. Actually, every time either my hubs or I have a birthday, mothers day or fathers day, my son throws a tantrum and ruins it. This has been going on for years.

When I say a tantrum, its not a little thing. This past cycle started last night when he got home form a boy scout trip and has been up and down for about 24 hours now. It starts with some frustration (cant do his math, for example) or with being corrected Don't interrupt, that's rude) and within a few minutes escalates to his emotional hurricane, all screaming and howling and out of control. Apparently he has also been mean to our animals.

Ill write more later,

My kid also does not handle change well, AT ALL. Every time he goes on a camp out, vacation, or whatever, it is always a few days of hell when he gets back. He has ruined countless days of vacation with his tantrums. He is also afraid of growing up. He says he never wants to leave me. He never wants to leave his childhood behind.

Wow.

Some of that sound aspergers related. Lack of empathy.

Some aspies get 'meltdowns' when under stress. These tantrums are probably really meltdowns.

Get some family counsuling- thats about all I can say.

Be sure to find a councilor who is well-experienced in autism. Many general-purpose psychologists misdiagnose the various symptoms of autism and klutz with treatment.

Sound like they very well may both be Aspies. You can do yourself a favor by getting up to speed on how to deal with it, and most especially how to work to improve their behavior. Aspies are born with tendencies, sometimes very strong but are teachable. Some of their behavior is basically crap and you don't need to put up with it. But first they have got to get diagnosed and get treatment/therapy if your suspicion proves to be correct. They need to learn what is wrong and get on board themselves to improve. You need to get the facts (medically) and then they need to face the facts. Its not going to be easy by any means, but if you can get an accurate diagnosis, you will be on the right track to seeing improvements, maybe very significant ones. I was something like your husband once and my wife had to beat it out of me. Mostly kidding. We went the conseling and working together developing improvement plans for years route. Only found out Aspergers was a factor late in the game. Would have helped to have known that sooner.

If he is on the spectrum, those are likely 'meltdowns' and they are usually caused by the child being too overwhelmed by sensory stimulation or stress. It's not 'selfish' behavior it's their reacton to being overwhelmed. It wont always be obvious what is overwhelming...it could be things like too much light and noise that others don't percieve as too much. Where there a lot of people at this birthday dinner? as for camping I can imagine why an autistic child may have trouble with that especially if they are really dependent on routine....because its like totally taking them out of their comfort zone and sticking them somewhere else out of the blue with no idea how to cope with it.

So if you think your child could be on the spectrum, I encourage you to do some research about autism and what the symptoms are...so maybe you can have a better understanding of such behaviors which might make it easer to reduce. Treating it as selfish/bad behavior is likely to send the wrong messege if it is autism, it's better to try and find out what things are ove.rwhelming to the child and what triggers the meltdowns. Sometimes it's possible to stop a meltdown before it happens, like if the kids getting to overwhelmed maybe encourage them to have some quiet time to relax. I cannot diagnose a kid over the computer obvioiusly.........but autism meltdowns are very different from a typical temper tantrum and it doesn't work to treat them the same.

As for the husband/childs dad, from what you posted doesn't sound like he has autism, but is kind of just a jerk......I mean discussing puttitng your kid up for adoption because he's misbehaving or calling him names sounds more emotionally abusive than like its autistic social ignorance. Does he really not know how it makes people feel, or does he simply not care? I am kind of getting the latter impression based upon the posts.......but only know what was posted here. It just doesn't sound healthy being around someone with no regard for your or your childs feelings and emotions.

Why does lack of empathy sound like AS? for one its not a diagnosing trait, and for two it's not accurate. Maybe there are some who lack empathy but it's overplayed as an AS trait by the media it's not exactly based in reality.

It's not actaully a lack of empathy, exactly....more like neither of them understand that the stuff they say to me actually hurts me. My husband has gone so far as to say, I couldn't have hurt you...it was just words. He seems genuinely confused and clueless as to how stuff he says, which apparently means nothing to him, can be so devastating to me. So then he blames me for being over sensitive and unable to handle his comments, which he perceives as being completely normal.

As for the adoption thing, that was all talk and no action. Every few months we have a horrendous argument and he is all about leaving, and I am all about throwing him out, and the next day it seems like a distant memory. He never goes anywhere. I would have to call the cops to make him leave, and I never do. I'm not sure what those fights are, why it seems like divorce is a good idea in that moment. I am pretty sure the adoption comment came from the same place. I think its more of a defensive thing, really. But I was crying and upset when he said it, and it felt like he was serious. He thought he was serious, too.

Its really hard to explain why I think my hubs is aspie--its a lot of little things I see him doing that otherwise make no sense. He has his own brand of meltdowns, which I tend to get caught up in and just make things worse. Like I said, I have my own set of issues, which are exactly the ones of someone who should NOT be around someone like my husband. And yeah, he is kind of a jerk, too. But he also has a ton of good qualities, the best of which is that he continues to grow and try to improve. He really has come a long way since our son was born.

I have been reading that e-book, Congratulations, Your Child is Strange. Every page or so, I think, "OH! That is SO like my hubs!" or "That is exactly like Kiddo!" or occasionally "That sounds just like me!"

A sweet welkome to WPea.



Mick and Peahawk

First of all, welcome! I am new here, too.

I can't say that my experience with my AS husband has been similar to yours, but the best advice I can offer you is to seek professional help. I waited a long while to approach my husband about the possibility of his having AS, and when I did, I lined it all out and pointed out all the things that led me to believe he was on the spectrum. He agreed with most of them, took several tests online (which were all positive, by the way), and then we called a professional who specializes in autism spectrum. She was able to diagnose him nearly immediately-- we have been seeing her ever since.

Try to talk to your husband and emphasize that you are care most for the well being of him and your son, and ask him if he would do it just for your own peace of mind. If he won't go, then you have bigger problems than I am equipped to help you with.

I just know that the best option for you is to see a professional. It could be AS, but it could also be something else, and you need to take care of your safety. You sound very unhappy and stressed, and that is never a good place to be.

Best wishes, and please keep us updated.

Thank you so much. Everything is so confusing for me right now. I mentioned somewhere around here, I am starting EMT training next week. This is about the worst possible time for me to start exploring possibilities with my hubs and son. I will be completely consumed with school for the next 6 months, not to mention, we are broke!

I have a lot of time to think at work (I drive a horse and carriage) and I have concluded that the only thing I can do for now it to hang on and try to work out some short-term strategies for managing my household. Eventually I will be have insurance and the time to go to therapy with them or whatever it takes. For now I am looking at school 3 nights a week, and work one night and both weekend days. If they could just keep the house neat and avoid starving themselves until I pass the national registry, I'll be happy.