Heidi:
Pleasure to meet you. My name is Brian.
Sounds like your centre is doing a lot of good work (side note: the many variations of english is fascinating, but I wonder why american english ihas to so unrefined. Labor looks far better spelled as labour, it just rolls off the tongue, and centre looks more sophisticated than center.) Giving kids with ASD a chance to socialize (especially in a safe environment) is a wonderful thing. In my life, some small events had the greatest impact.
Regarding your questions, no worries about the volume. Be able to talk about yourself is a great treat. (I would place a smiling emoticon here, but I banned myself from using emoticons so I could improve my writing; so, picture a smiling face as you read this.)
I remember bits and pieces of my home-schooling years. I am unable to organize my memories into a full narrative, but I do remember a lot of events. For example, I had a difficult time learning how to read. My mom and I read Green Eggs and Ham, Hop on Pop, and Cat in the Hat more than I can count. But my mom never gave up. In fact, I remember always telling me that she knew that reading would click one day and that I would love to read. Of course, I did not believe her for a second. However, she turned out to be rather prescient. I learned to read at the ripe age of 8, and became a prolific reader. I especially enjoyed reading the encyclopedia. (I probably would have never left my room if wikipedia had been around at the time.) I will never forget my mom's unwavering faith in me. That had a big impact in encouraging me to learn.
I remember finding other things besides reading challenging. Math was really difficult. I am still bad with numbers to this day. A savant I am not. One time, my dad was doing multiplication flashcards because he was saying the times, as in 2 times 2. My mom had instructed me by saying 2 multiplied by 2. Although the difference was minute, I was quite hung over the terminology and had a meltdown due to frustration. I laugh at that memory now. Presently, I would consider such an event trivial, but the younger me was quite perturbed.
Lastly, I should note that my sister was home-schooled as well. My sister and I share the same birthday, though she is exactly three years younger (well only the same day, not the same hour.) My sister was my primary playmate during my childhood. We alternated between playing house and action figures. (It was a form of compromise.) Having a sister to play gave me at least some social interaction. Although I would spend hours playing outside by myself. I loved playing in the forest pretending that the trees were space stations and twigs were spaceships. I would get lost in imaginary battles, and telling myself stories about heroes and heroines. Without my sister, I probably would have become solipsistic, and completely withdrawn from the world.
Was home-school the best choice?
At time, yes it was the best choice. I was born in 1985. And special ed in America during the late 80s and early 90s was abysmal. Schools treated special ed as way to separate the wheat (normal kids) from the chaff. Furthermore, a kid sent to special ed was forever labeled as a "special." According to labeling theory, people are greatly affected when categorized. A kid labeled most likely to succeed, is likely to be successful. But a kid labeled as "special" is likely to be mistreated, isolated, and discriminated. I was able to bypass that experience thanks to being home-schooled by my mother. If I had been born recently, then maybe it would have been best to be in public school. Integration is critical both for ASD children and "normal" children. Children become more tolerant and understanding when they have met a kid with ASD. Children learn to see the similarities and not the differences. They also learn how to work and play with atypical children in integrated schools.
For that reason, I am also appreciative that I was not home-schooled for my entire childhood. I entered regular schooling when I was 11. I was first sent to a private school, then later (at age 13) entered the public school system. My adolescence was rough, but it was only there I learned how to cope and survive in a nt dominated world. It nearly ended badly. I became highly depressed and I had no confidence in my abilities. I gave up trying, and decided that I would rather control my future by choosing to fail. Fortunately, I turned things around when I was 15. My civics teacher asked me to manage the football team out of the blue. Being given and trusted with responsibilities gave me the drive to believe in myself. No one outside my family had really ever tried to engage me before. Such a small task gave me a purpose. I began to re-engage in school. I retook math classes I had flunked (my algebra teacher had previously thrown me out of his class because he was tired that I was taking up airspace). By graduation, I was able to raise my GPA to a 3.5 (from a low of 2.0). Just a little faith went a long way. Even my public school deserves kudos for the extra resources it spent on me. My school was a poor rural district, and it could have only done the minimum. But the district and the teachers went beyond the call of duty. I am thankful for what they did for me.
About the time I spend alone.
I am around people a lot in graduate school. That's probably why, as of late, I have been spending all of my free time alone. For me to interact with people is three times as exhausting as it would be for an average person. Essentially, I have to spend all my energy acting "normal." I have memorized ways to talk, to respond, and to behave in front of people. I am quickly exhausted by the sheer volume of behavior I have to mimic. At the end of the day, I want nothing to do anyone. My mind is spent.
Usually my alone time is in the evenings and weekends. This semester has been especially difficult. Previously I was in law school, and legal studies is a solitary activity. But when I decided to do a joint degree program, and entered a business program, I was required to do group work. I find the work incredibly difficult, and I even miss law school. Yet I push on, for that is all I know what to do.
How I perceive the world.
That is a hard question to answer. For my perception is all I know. Until recently, I thought my view was the typical view. When walking about, I like to observe the environment. Grass whistleling in the air. Dirt smudge randomly across the pavement. I can become transfixed by the simplest of things. I also like observing people, and wondering what kind of story they have. Everyone has a story after all (I also majored in psychology). My thoughts always drift into internal philosophical discussions. Why is juvenile law so awful? (I did a lot of internships in the foster care, juvenile criminal, and parental dependency systems.) What public policies can be enacted to end the cycle of intimate partner violence? How can I be so lucky? There are far more people who are deserving than I.
Because my head is so often "in the clouds" I dislike talking about sports, sit coms, and cars. In fact, I would rather listen to a women talk about how painful high heels are because of my natural curiosity towards subjects I know nothing about. (Well I know nothing about sports but that is the exception.) I also tend to avoid certain subjects, that while being secretly interested in, I am embarrassed about. I have a love for science-fiction, but I so afraid of ostracism that I never share my love. A lot of my behavior can be attributed to my fear of being embarrassed. My apartment complex recently gave my bike away, and I am too nervous and embarrassed to talk with the landlord. I would rather eat the cost than lose face. In my writing, I theorize that I select complicated words to show that I am not stupid. I need people to believe that I am not dumb. Unfortunately, my word choice can make me come off as overly pretentious.
The last thing I want to share is something that has been greatly troubling me as of late. I have an intense aversion to touch. I read an article about how being "mind blind" makes an ASD person unable to read the purpose behind another person's movements. A loving pat is equated equally with an attack. Being unable to perceive intentions causes the fight/flight system to kick in. Similarly, I am easily startled and overreact when a person reaches out to express affection through touch. I also have trouble hugging people, and when I do my hugs are always awkward. In the past this never bothered me. But as I age, I fret how my touch aversion is affecting my chances for intimacy. I am 28 years old and have yet to date someone. Although lack of effort is part of the reason, but I question whether I am even capable of expressing an adequate amount of love. I have my family, though my parents will die someday and my sisters will be to caught up in their own lives. I guess I can be dedicated to a career/mission to fill my life -- though I dread what my elder years will be like. Perhaps I will eventually become solipsistic.
Anyway, I don't want to end on a dark note. Although my perceptions differ from the average person, those differences have given me some powerful strengths. My memory is above average, and I have a knack of pulling and connective diverse strands of information into a seamless narrative. I can see connections where others would not. My early childhood challenges taught me perseverance. Some of my biggest failures (which I have many) have been the best lessons. Last year I was involved in a legal clinic. It was a complete disaster and utter nightmare. I was completely unprepared for the work and quality required. But I learned from the experience, and I even was able to advise a client on tax law. Based on that advice, my client is now registered under the 501(c)(6) tax designation. I feel proud about that. So, the take-way I will leave you with, is that a person can achieve great things through support and trust.
I wish you a good day and all the best.
23 Mar 2013, 6:21 am
