Hi I'm new here

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First of All, hello everyone.

I'm a thrity year old man, who has recently taken the journey down the path of self discovery after three decades of misery, confusion, anger, depression, alienation, and a little bit of debauchery, to find that I have been living with Asperger's in this confusing and cacophonous world.
After having it suggested to me repeatedly in the last few years, and with my anxiety and my mental health history I began to research the topic, as I do with any other topic I come across. I had seen a video on this site that gave the perspective of a fellow Aspie. AS he recounted his life and story I immediately broke into tears, because it was the first time in my life I heard someone else describe almost verbatim what life hase been like for me every day as far back as I can recount.


I was born a month early to parents who were in their late forties and I was in an incubator for the first month an a half of my life and had pneumonia. I had all sorts of problems walking and motor function deficets. My father is Sicilian and my Mother is from England with her parents being from Central Asia and Eastern Europe. I grew up around many different languages and accents, at a young age and still to this day when I speak with people who have different accents I tend to subconsciously mimic their accent which sometimes gets me into trouble. This usually happens when I'm at work where I am already hard at work expounding my energy to keep track of what I am doing as well as maintain a proper walking method, I tend to stick my right foot out at a 30 to 45 degree angle, which was a reason for lots of ridicule growing up. From the ages of six to as late as eleven or twelve I would stay up all night fearing that the world was going to end and would read an old set of Encyclopedia Brittanica from 1980 and every other book in my parents house, for that matter. By the time I was 12 I had read "The Old Man And The Sea" and was secretly reading "The Godfather" and tore through hundreds of Ripley's Believe it Or Not Books and Guinness's World Records. I had a extreme desire to learn all trivial knowledge, and a part of me still does.

I don't want to write about myself anymore.

Hello.

I, too, was a voracious reader in my youth. welcome to WP.

Welcome to WP

Thank you! I still am, I just got really self conscious when writing that, and I feel like I talk about myself too much and then I get all anxious and paranoid and just stop. Living with the Anxiety and Paranoia daily without understanding what was happening to me at those times is something I am trying to cope with.

It's so odd I feel like I have been just living on autopilot from behind a huge cloud of fog this whole time. I have continually made a fool of myself in front of "peers" at various workplaces. I usually start a job very quietly but it doesn't take long before I meltdown into reambling talking rants and my coworkers deem me "creepy" Although I am oblivious to these things the whole time. I have lost several jobs due to this behavior as well as calling out of work frequently due to the stress of being around others becoming too great or I would call out of work almost as if it was compulsivly.

I have had my family, friends, and other people accuse me of being duplicitous or two faced, manipulative, a motor mouth, psychotic, a shut in, and all sorts of other things, all of which I have never understood why they would think that. I was always too afraid to tell my parents or anybody else for that matter how things were for me, because I knew other people weren't like that and didn't think like that. Examples include

If someone talks to me, I have to repeat everything they say in my head or otherwise, I won't hear them. At all its like they are just background noise, this doesn't always work out because I am ALWAYS thinking, and If it's someone who I have a bad history with, forget it. There's nothing I can do to hear them, and my personality will snap a bit and refuse to hear them.

I had severe insomnia well into the present day because of the constant worryand thinking that has controlled my waking hours which would cause me to stay awake for three to four days at a time, I would start to hallucinate, I had a doctor diagnose me Schizophrenic, and then later on Schizo affective at the age of 16. They put me on every medication on the market. None of it worked, I went from wheighing 120 lbs at 16 to 340 at 18. By the age of 21 and number of doctors and institutions and diagnoses later, no one knew what I had as nothign really worked. I was taken off of medication at 22 and then I made a mistake of entering into an abusive realtionship with a woman who has BPD, she restrained all of my rights and freedoms. We had a child together, She used my condintion and our child as a weapon against me, and after several years of being stuck in that circle I left her. I moved very far away to maintain my sanity. I try to visit my child every month, by plane, but I am terrible with money and make bad decisions. I was basically thrown into a situation that I didnt' understand or care to. But I every day I try to break through my bubble and live int he NT world.

It can be hard seeing all the dirty, grimy details and all the little pieces that make our world screwy or f-ed up. But it's also nice to see all the little deatails that make our world quite the opposite.

Welcome