Coming out of denile

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My parents had been taking me to doctors and shrinks my whole life. I never thought there was a problem. It felt like they were trying to tell me I inadequate. When I was 13 my parents got books from a doctor and told me I had "ass burgers." (I thought that was hilarious) When I would do something wrong, they would blame it on the Aspergers. Whenever I got in a fight the subject of AS would come up. I wanted to ignore it. I told myself that my inability to make friends was just bad luck.

About two years later I did begin to admit to myself that I did have AS. I could definitely see some of my personality traits in the list for diagnosing AS. I still never thought of it as a problem.

I'm 16 now and recently I've begun smoking marijuana. People make it out to be the evil drug that ruins lives but for me it has helped me to see who I really am. I feel like a different person when I use it. It gives me a different personality and the ability to think in ways I had not before. It comes along with some negative effects. My memory is shot when I'm high, I'm unproductive, and there is always the possibility of addiction.

When I'm high I just think. Think about ways that I act and the ways people respond to it. Realizing how stupid I look when I don't make eye contact but pretend there is something holding my interest on the floor. Realizing how awkward a conversation was and how I didn't notice. I began to realize how much of a social f**k up I've been my entire life. I never fit in and from the age of 5 I spent more time in front of a computer then I would with real people. Looking back, I can see many instances where I was a complete dick. This was caused by a mix of being "too honest" and having an extreme amount of impulsiveness. When I was younger I would hit people for no reason. Once an idea comes into my head, an idea of doing something, it usually doesn't go away until I act on it.

When I'm high I can just think of countless instances in my life when I've done something wrong and didn't realized it. I can imagine where people must of thought to themselves "what the hell is with that kid." When I do this I picture myself as other people would see me. I've tried doing this without weed and it does not work. Too often I've been too honest with people, spilling out my entire life and expecting them to care. When I'm high I can see my self from their eyes. Coming on too strong, too weird, and then they just walk away. Life is beginning to feel frustrating. It comes so easy to everyone else.

Marijuana hasn't cured my Asperger's Syndrome. Its just allowed me to see the flaws in my life and now i have the ability to prevent negative things that have happened in the past from reoccurring in the future. I know people will say I could of done the same thing without marijuana. I know I couldn't of. The way thoughts impact me when I'm high is completely different. The way I think when I'm high is completely different. I have that ability to shift perspective and set up a scenario in my mind where I am someone else. And to see myself from the outside.

You sound like you're being very hard on yourself.

Have you thought about the strengths you have? You are honest, and sound like you're good with computers.

You'll find plenty of friends your own age on this website. You could visit the adolescent forums.

You talk about your problems with social skills. Are you going to seek professional help with this area?

Can you find a local support group?

You sound depressed at the moment, but there is lots of help and information out there for you.

Smelena

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome,

quick question, is de nile wet?

Wellcome!
Marijuana turns me sleepy, paranoid and makes me feel idiot, thus I don't like it. Anyway, seems to me it is an aspie emulator for NTs, it is to say, marijuana can carrie NT people to a state close to aspieness. Well, I can see no help from it, although it probably has the role of conecting people, specially young people.
Well, I don't believe it is an important thing.

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I hope you enjoy posting here!

I know exactly how you feel about mary jane I felt the same exact way you do about it now. Then I stopped drugs all together because I started taking heavy hallucinogens and deleriants which put me in an even more dissociated state from reality. Although I stoppped I don't regret the experience, i feel i learned my lesson of overusing drugs and gained some valuable insights. Welcome

Yea I definitely see how I could get addicted with the whole "Once an idea gets into my head its not coming out" complex."

I would really like to ask another aspie who smokes weed if this makes sense and if it feels the same for you:

During the day, in school, when I daydream I can concentrate on my own thoughts and contemplate them - almost completely removed from reality with just enough awareness left on so I can hear someone calling my name. I spend the majority of the time in my classes in this state. Not because I can't pay attention but because its more enjoyable. When I'm high and I go into that state it is 10x deeper. I don't think this happens to my friends. They never act as weird as me when we are high. Mostly they just sit there.

I know a kid who is REALLY autistic and its like he goes into his own world and everything he thinks comes out. He would swing on his swingset for hours and just laugh to himself. Hes not crazy. Hes thinking inside himself and letting it all come out. He probably knows people are watching him. He just doesn't care because he is so deep inside his mind that the outside world is remote and meaningless. He is more content, and happy inside his mind and he has no reason to come out. He will laugh hysterically at his own thoughts. He MUST know how loud he is laughing. He is still conscious.

This is exactly what I'm like when I'm high. Its that autistic state that autistic kids fall into. But since I only have really mild autism I never go that far into it. When I smoke marijuana I can feel it just as much as the 100% autistic kid can. Is that what it feels like for you ikambokem?

BTW I'm writing this high.

[quote="kfa91
I don't think I'm being too hard on myself. My whole life I've been too easy on myself, ignoring that there is a problem, and just trying to put bad experiences behind me.

I do have friends. Not as many as I could, and I that is whats aggravating. I don't need professional help. I need to find what is wrong with myself and correct it.[/quote]

You don't need to 'find out what is wrong with yourself and correct it'.

You just need some better coping strategies.

Why would you want to conform to a N.T. world anyway???

I know what you mean about psychedelics and making you see what you really are. I think marijuana/lsd/shrooms have helped me see me how others see me. When you tripping hard, even on marijuana, and you look in the mirror, it's like you see yourself for the first time as a stranger passing on the street would. It can be EXTREMELY weird/alarming, but it's also an amazing thing because it's like you can really see yourself, all of the facets of your personality... the kind of introspection that can be done on not only lsd/psilocybin but also marijuana is ridiculous, especially for us instrospective aspies. If you feel like it helps you understand yourself better, then by God keep toking. Just don't start doing it every day That happened to me and it took me quite a while to break the habit.

I've had those feelings-I know I've messed up convorsations more than a few times
I know right were your coming from, though I don't do pot I have no problems with it