I've been lost for years, now I'm here

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Hi guys, I'm Cel, about to turn 29. My back story is lengthy and messy, consisting of a relentlessly miserable childhood, a possibly BPD mom (stubborn, in denial), and a revolving door of father figures, none of whom stayed in my life. That's my sob story, but for ten years, since I've been an adult, I've taken responsibility and sought help. To no avail. I've been misdiagnosed with MDD, Bipolar II, anxiety, told I am not BPD, but my mom probably is... tried treatments for everything, and they all failed. My journey is solitary, but I can't give up.

I have not been diagnosed with ASD. At the very least, I have enough symptoms in common with a couple other Aspies I've befriended, and they think it's worth looking into. I don't feel I care to get diagnosed just yet. Even if I got a doctors opinion, I wouldn't know whether to trust it. If I do, it's mild. But it's the meltdowns I want to learn to control. I don't mind that many people think there's something off about me. I'm kind and I have friends that like me. But when I get stressed, frustrated, impatient... I want so badly to be able to guarantee that I won't lash out at the culprit trying my patience, usually innocently. 99% of the time, its my poor husband, who accepted me this way, but I can't live the rest of my life like this.

I think I inherited a mental flaw that runs in my family. And the poor home environment exacerbated the problem, and now nature and nurture have interfered with one another enough to render my lifelong demon unrecognizable. How much is really ASD and how much is just bad upbringing? At this point, I don't place much importance on the label. I want to help myself. Questions and opinions welcome.

Welcome!

My anger (meltdown) triggers are sensitivity to noise and perceiving that another individual is or has insulted my intelligence (not in the way that some people say that an innocent question or presumption insults their "intelligence," but in the way that someone actually says "you don't know what you are talking about"). I avoid crowds and cafes, restaurants and nightclubs where they are in the business of providing loud entertainment (especially those which I have tried and learned are exceptionally noisy; that one is easy to mitigate. Trying to to avoid conversations with people who go beyond challenging my knowledge and resort to insults is considerably more difficult. I have, however, tried over the years to cease a conversation when I see the other individual begin to act with some hostility.

I guess what I am saying is that, if you study the contexts of your meltdowns, you might find some common threads of how, when, where and why you get stressed, frustrated and impatient. Knowing these triggers might help you to avoid them, because, with practice, you would see them developing in certain situations.

At least, it works most of the time for me.

welcome, celerita, from one undiagnosed, married, female aspie to another.

Thank you for the warm welcome and the input.

My husband is the common denominator in my meltdowns these days. In my past, it was whoever I was dating. And occasionally (and increasingly, as I got older) my BPD? mom. I've improved a lot, as far as how long I stay agitated, and how quickly I decide I'm done stirring the pot. It's still hard for me to know that after it all, I'm going to feel like a foolish little crazeball and have to apologize, because whatever he did, my reaction was unwarranted. It has gotten way out of hand at times. He's very proud, and will refuse to back down, and so will I, not out of pride, but because I can't stand letting people just get away with annoying behavior all the time. He mumbles all the time, he always has. He is capable of speaking clearly, but for some reason, he is making zero effort to not make me ask him to repeat every stinking thing he says! Mumbling is not a devastating thing, but to me its devastating that he cannot manage to muster the effort to improve upon this one little thing.

That's just one example. He's a wonderful man, and I'm our biggest obstacle. But he really sets me off sometimes. Other things that agitate me significantly are rude strangers. I'M supposed to be the socially inept one, so why do my customers try to place orders while talking on the phone? Why do they hand me dollar bills that are all wadded up in a mess without attempting to uncrinkle them? Why do they set their money where I can't easily pick it up, why not just hand it to me? And why can't they follow the script I'm expecting to adhere to and say hi when I greet them rather than outright ignore me? I work hard not to offend these people because I don't want to be called out for my "attitude". My social performances are no longer about belonging, but about being polite. Look, I don't get small talk either, but how dare they snub me or any friendly hostess, cashier, etc.? If I can fake it they sure can.

Back to my marriage... I have trouble knowing when and whether to let things go. I cannot make the distinction between letting go of a grudge and sweeping a legitimate problem under the rug when it really should be addressed. But my husband, bless his heart of gold, has his own issues to work on. Lesser ones.

One of the reasons I doubted I'm ASD is because all the symptoms pale in comparison to the anger. I used to be way worse, but my work is far from done.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!