Aaron_B wrote:
I just read an article on autism today and related very highly to the author's description of her experience. The article was about authenticity compared to following a script. It is extremely important to me that I mean every word I say. It physically feels uncomfortable to do otherwise. To be asked "how are you?" is very difficult for me to answer. Not because I feel good or bad, but because no answer comes that I would mean, regardless of how I feel.
For the past few years I've chosen to just not answer questions that I don't feel an answer to. I don't want people to feel dismissed or ignored, I don't want to say something I don't mean, and I don't want to explain to people who do not really seem intent on understanding. So I suppose it's the lesser of 3 evils.
In life I feel a need to find a deeper meaning in everything I say and do. I am surrounded by people who can just push themselves to do anything and I often feel like I should be able to do the same and feel guilty about myself, but I can't push myself hard enough. Eventually something inside me shuts down and I allow myself to just be a disappointment to everyone because the pain of pushing any longer is too much.
I have always been seen as intelligent. When I work I'm always seen as a very good employee. But while working I experience very intense stress continuously. I feel out of place. I should be doing something more, but I have less inner resources than I need and I'm exhausted and I can no longer push myself. Yesterday I was feeling as if this entire world seems to fit everyone else very well and I have no place in it at all. Every direction is uncomfortable and eventually I end up at my parent's house unwilling to try anymore.
Do people here relate to this? It is so hard for me to pretend. I want to be real. I feel like I don't belong and everyone else wears a mask so easily. I can't wear a mask without feeling like every word I say is a lie. If I have to be fake then why even exist? I have not been diagnosed with anything and am looking to find somewhere that I can relate to people and people can relate to me.
This is very hard for me to explain!
We are like
chidren
innocence unexplained
that never grow up
_________________
Be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle
-Jaleb
20 Jan 2015, 9:23 am
