I am new and I look totally normal

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Hello. I am new.

I am 33 years old and still live at home. My mom realized I have some problems or weirdness and spent years researching things to figure out what is wrong with me. One day she told me I have"aspergers" but then later she told me I have ASD.
I didn't want to believe I had some mental disorder but when I am honest with myself I know I am strange and have issues. befire in life I had met a few times with psychologists but they only want money. I was a teenager then. They did tell me I have extreme anger/aggression, deep depression some suicidal thoughts, OCD, probably touretes, some hyperactive stuff.

All my life I tick, do weird habits and it could possibly be tourettes, an I am OCD and like things correct or like to touch things just the right way or equal amount of times as the other side of my body. Dont like stepping on cracks unless my other foot touches another crack exactly the same way.
I have urges to look at my fingers and feet and have to flip or bend my wrist, or ankles around just right to feel just right. I can walk weird because of this, or I have to get my finger in one eye's vision just the right way as the other side. Like one on each side of my nose in my field of vision. I think I developed wrist pain problems bc of this. It so far has not affected how I drive so I have not crashed yet.

When i was a kid I used to make noises and copy commercials and repeat them a lot and think it was so funny. Or I just would repeat them anyway. I used to hear a song or sound and repeat it and go "OooooweeeeOOOoooweeeee" for the music. And I had to do it exactly like the song and was oblivious to how loud I was outside. One time another neighborhood kid told me to shut up or thought I was weird.

I often still repeat words or sounds several times if they sound like they will give me the urge to say them. Usually commercials or things people say. Sometimes if someone is talking to another person and says "Oh yes but I knew that..." I might pretend I am that person and say "Yes I KNEW that...but I DID know that and I KNEW it..." as I walk by or I say it and kind of do it and I act like its kind of funny but I really just want to feel the sounds in my mouth when i say them.

I often get pissed off a lot and full of aggression. I used to hate everyone everywhere all the time because I thought everyone was fake or jerks. I had barely any friends in my life an I currently have none.

I dont want to keep writing a huge book but I think I have some form of ASD:

I am socially weird, feel super uncomfortable around new people or crowds. hate making eye contact with people. I dont even want to make eye contact with my mom or dad or sister when i talk to them. But I have in the past made eye contact with girls I was attracted to or girlfriends in the past. I never kept girlfriends for more then about 2 or 3 months. I have barely had any girlfriends either and most girls hated me or thought I was weird.

Even if I am uncomfortable meeting people, if I am called to speak or explain something I can do public speaking pretty good and was able to overcome fears. I could talk to an audience an I can be on stage in acting or a show as well. But in social situations I hate it.

I am OCD and want things to be right or correct looking, feel like my body is split in 2 and have to make each physical contact equal to each side of my body, an I hate germs and make extra efforts not to eat off of something dirty or drink off of other's cups. I also wash my hands often, like if I go outsie, or came back from the store. I wash my hands and make sure they are clean before eating anything. But I have worked on it to try and not be afraid to eat a snack if I didn't wash my hands. But I still notice it.

I like animals though and I like babies a lot. I love kids and playing with them instead of talking to other grown ups I do not know well. I hate shaking hands in church too and it bothers me so much how you have to shake evryone's hands during a certain part.

I face twitch, moving eye brows, lips, nose etc. When i get nervous I tend to blink or do more of this twitching. I make weird sounds in the back of my throat or mouth that no one can hear but me. I also make rum beats with my teeth or finger tapping.

I did not know what stimming was as I saw people saying this word on this forum a lot. So I looked it up. I do notice sometimes I rock in my chair or nod or head bang or shake when no one is around bc if feels good. Also feel like a surge of energy sometimes so I shake my head or rock around sort of like dancing but not really.

I like crazy music like hardcore punk and death metal stuff. Grindcore music. It is crazy hard brutal music and I spazz out or love it. but I do not listen to music much anymore.

there are tons of other weird issues but I dont want to be boring and talk too much. But I believe my mom is right about me having ASD. I tool online tests, several of them, and all say I am somewhere on the spectrum and not a normal or "neurotypical".

I have suffered from severe depression and extreme anger and hate much of my life but have calmed down. Eve if I felt this way I have tons of compassion for people or empathy and a strong sense of justice. Before I got so depressed and crazy I always cared about others, but then when things went bad I began to doubt relationships are real or people are real. And suffered a lot. I never was popular or had many friends and I was bullied a lot in the neighborhood. I have never kept life long friends either. I am 33 and a loner and feel sad and have no job. but I graduated college. I lived on campus too and people thought I was weird but some people got a kick out of me and found my weirdness entertaining.

I also look normal and some people woul say I am attractive. But im not boasting im just saying I dont look "geeky" or stereoptypical. I work out and lift weights and do martial arts.

I have obsessions like serial killers and what they did. Off and on I go to this and will watch many documantaries about killers and crime and gangs. Like I HAVE to know what they did and how they started.
I also obsess over things like kung fu movies and before used to collect kung fu films on VHS and DVD. I wasted tons of money doing this, like I HAD to collect them all. I dreamed of owning a HUGE library of kung fu movies in a house with a room for it, and I could watch them or show them to people. I was able to beak this habit. I also bought way way way too many tshirts and button up shirts.

Sometimes if I am buying a drink or some drinks an there is one brand with 4-5 flavors I will have to buy 1 of each flavor and have to make sure I know what each flavor is like to say I have drank it. Like energy drinks.
There is other stuff like that too.

I have a lot of paranoia like people are always laughing behind my back or hate me.

Often times when anyone calls my name I assume I am in trouble or did something wrong. Often times this is true. I have no clue what I did was wrong and they have to "talk to me" about it. Like in college. I got in trouble a lot and people said I had issues so I had to talk to professors and RAs and stuff.

Well i realize I wrote WAY too much an its boring and people will not read all this. but ok if anyone is interested thanks!

That was probably the best-written, most interesting, introduction I have read here at Wrong Planet.

By the way, welcome!

Well thank you sir. I could have went on more and more but I feel like no one wants to read a huge book when they dont know me.

Oh an I am obsessed with martial arts. And I have to make sure I train a lot every day or at least do some things.

I used to be obsessed with punk rock and the history and music genres too but I got tired of caring and think the scene is dead.

Oh an I used to be a substitute teacher at an inner-city school and I did it for 2 years. I did not make much money and the kids were so crazy and violent so I quit. They really made fun of me so much.

In the past I had a job at Chik-Fil-A at a mall and I worked for nearly 2 months but I had a mental breakdown and my eyes uncontrollably were blinking for weeks, even if I shut them. I spent many days laying in bed. I dont know I went nuts and I just quit 2 days later after the symptoms occurred. It was too crazy to take so many orders and the manager had no real system for it.
Previously I worked at Taco Bell for 9 months and was a very good employee winning their silly awards like employee of the week and month or champion of the month blah blah. But at times I got so pissed off at the idiot customers it was getting bad. But I always held it in until the last day.

Oh and I always like literal things. I UNDERSTAND sarcasm but sometimes I ask for the literal meaning of it or repeat it anyway. I also use sarcasm a lot and make sarcastic jokes. It offends a lot of people because they think I am being a jerk.

I also need a conversation to have a conclusion. It pisses me off if we talk and then the conversation is interrupted and I cannot keep finishing our topic. Chicks do this a lot. Also if someone tells me a story I need to make sure the finer etails are explained during the story before they move on. I could be stuck on some stupid part of the story that is irrelevent and want them to tell me more about it before telling me the main point.

Also watching a TV show if they show a scene and someone does something I think would not be done that way I get annoyed. Like maybe a person pours a drink to the top of a cup in a scene, then the camera pans away then it shows the person again serving the drink very fast to someone with no spillage I think it is so stupid and unrealistic. SHE WOULD HAVE SPILLED THE LIQUID IF SHE GAVE THE GLASS THAT FAST TO THE GUY!! ! I either want them to re-shoot the scene and fill it properly so it won't spill or just make the person serve it slow like in real life. BUt its a TV show and they cannot stop and do it over.

I watch ID a lot the investigation discovery about murders and things and they have stupid reenactments that are unrealistic. So its scenes like that that annoy me.

I WANT DETAILS MAN!!

Hey MudoMan welcome.

I don't usually read long posts but I ended up reading your OP and the subsequent posts because they were interesting and I could relate to some of what you described. I have OCD, too. I hope to see more of your posts in other sub-forums. Welcome!

Thanks to everyone who read my post. And to those who responed.

To jk1 how bad is your oCD? For me I can sometimes ignore it. I am very careful about germs but I have learned to not go crazy or out of my way to eat something by going far away to wash hands or whatever. I sometimes just eat a snack anyway and did not wash my hands. I have never had issues with standing at a light switch for 30 mins flicking it off and on.
I have also allowed my room to be messy at times.

but I cannot resist the urge to straight a cup on a desk, or magazine in a corner. Or I touch tons of objects in the store sometimes. Especially the tags they put on the shelves if they stick out and you can hit them. One time at a museum I touched a painting but no one saw me. I have never done that again and I can control my urge not to touch fragile stuff in such places or in a store of arts and crafts or glass things.

Most of my OCD has to do with my body and what it touches on either side of me. Left or right hands. And touching it the same amount of times if I can. What about you?

I am not as bad as the character Monk that used to be on USA Network on the TV show. I loved that show though because I could relate to a lot of it, but I knew he was an exaggeration but it was a great show!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello again! My OCD is mostly under control. It was far worse before. It interfered with my study and work pretty badly, which must have made my coworkers think I was simply incompetent. My worst symptom was repeating words/sentences in my mind (and sometimes verbally and on paper) endlessly for certain reasons. I was sitting at the desk at work and was busy repeating useless sentences in my mind instead of focusing on work. I also have some of the problems that you have. I am always worried about germs and chemicals. I don't touch doorknobs etc directly. I always use a plastic bag, gloves or anything else when opening a door etc. I wash my hands very often. I feel uncomfortable/irritated when things are not aligned in a nice angle. And yes, I have a somewhat similar problem to your left-right symmetry thing, too. For example, I often get distracted by the way my socks feel on my left and right feet (the seam, shape, tightness etc of socks). If they don't feel exactly the same, I can't ignore it. I have other problems that are not easy to describe in a few sentences. But I've learned to control most of my symptoms fairly well.

Do you take any medication for your OCD? I tried some but none of them worked at all.

I'm not a fan of watching TV but Monk is one of the few I did watch because I felt he was an exaggerated version of me. I felt that that show was trying to enlighten the public about OCD by comically depicting the serious problems of OCD.

Sorry, I talked too much about myself in your thread. Any way, I hope to see you around on WP!

No its cool to talk about yourself in this thread. It is good to know how others are doing.

Yes the symmetry thing has always been annoying to me and it causes me to look down at my feet or move my ankle in a weird way.
I say words too like sentences or sound out words when I hear them. I usually do it when I am alone or watching TV. But when I am doing work I always am busy doing work usually.

But there have been times where I will say a word precisely and sound it out a few times and people heard me and thought it was very weird or hilarious and made fun of me. One time when I was working and in a truck we used to haul stuff my superviser was driving and I saw a kid on a skateboard. And I said I used to skateboard. Then I sounded out the word "skateboard" like "SKATE...board...SKATE BOARD...SKATE.....BOARD....SKA...ATE...B...OARD...SKATEBOARD" and I was doing this subconsciously but out loud and he then began laughing at me. This was a college summer job too. So whenever he saw me on campus again he would say "Hey man! SKATE...BOARD...Huhuhuhuhuuh!! !! SKATEBOARD!" like that.

I also one time copied a guys accent who was from the philippines and was copying his sentences. He was in the back seat of a car and another Filipino american guy was driving and the guy in the back seat was from the philippines. When he began talking I was copying his words and mimicking his accent. Then the guy driving got pissed and said I was racist or a jerk. I felt so bad and I said I was sorry and wanted to just die and shrink and disappear.

Welcome

Welcome to Wrong Planet. That was an interesting post, very well expressed. This is a good place, I'm sure you'll find plenty of likeminded people to chat with.

Thanks you guys! I am glad my post seemed well explained or written to same of you. I try to make it easy to read thanks!

I read through your post and saw what you said about shaking hands in church. I have ALWAYS hated that. It doesn't seem to really serve a purpose, since no one remembers anyone's name afterwards. The worst is when that one friendly guy that travels from his seat around half the church comes up from behind and grabs your shoulder or wants a hug or something. I know it's meant well, but I kind of just want to be left alone...

Anyway, I think we're pretty similar. I do the same thing with different flavors of beverage/other things and had some of the same problems in college, have some of the same habits, same problem with eye contact (though I would argue whether it's actually a problem), strong sense of justice and empathy for others who are different, same assumption of guilt when someone says they want to talk to me. I was just diagnosed with ASD level 1 a few weeks ago, and I'm 29. My brother also got diagnosed at the same time and he is 33. You might consider looking up a psychiatrist specializing in adult autism.

Getting diagnosed has been extremely helpful for me. My marriage was on the rocks and I didn't even know it, and I have always had a hard time being around people and figuring out how they want me to act. Having the diagnosis explains a lot about me and has significantly improved my relationship with my wife and my parents, and my brother seems to be hopeful again for the first time in probably 10 years. A diagnosis is not going to be cheap, but it would probably be worth it to you in the long run.

In case anyone's curious, I went to a place called The Center near Seattle, WA (the-center dot co/autism/). It was somewhat expensive but very thorough and the doctor there (Justin Steffener) is extremely helpful.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, MudoMan and thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It was interesting especially to those of us who like to learn as much as possible about AS. I had never even heard of it until my diagnosis at age 45. Not all of us have the same story to tell and we are all different but on the spectrum, but can relate to one another.

I hope you'll have a long and happy stay here.

Haha! The guy who walks halfway through the church saying hi to everyone and comes up behind you!!

Also the old ladies who hold your hand extra long and stare at you and smile.

I have to act during this time and pretend. It takes energy. I never remember anyones name either I just hope it ends soon. I know the people mean well and I understand they are not trying to cause me problems so I just act and pretend its fine and fake a smile and sort of make eye contact. Sometimes I can make eye contact when I am acting, but then I never remember anything the person says to me at all because when I make eye contact my mind blanks out.

Also in the past when I would buy fountain drinks I sometimes had to mix every single kind of drink into one cup in order to make sure I get the right amount of each flavor. I dont do this much anymore unless flavors are smililar like citrus or would taste good together. But dude lets say Rockstar or Monste energy drinks are on sale really cheap, I will have to buy like 10-20 of them of all the flavors. Like I cannot just buy 1 or 2 I HAVE to get them all and I spend money like that. But lately I am ok.
I used to obsessively collect kung fu movies and spent thousands of dollars at FYE, Coconuts, Suncoast Videos etc...

For me I cannot afford a diagnosis so no hope for me. I only know about ASD stuff because of my mom. She has spent nearly 10+ years figuring me out and reading about this because she knew I had some problems an didnt know what to do.

How did you end up getting married? I can never keep a girlfriend and also barely ever have dated anyone. Girls really hated me and were so mean too. I had one GF who liked me but it didnt work out bc I could not handle it.

What sucks is I am 33 and live at home after I graduated from college. I cannot get any real job that pays an I only work random jobs for a guy. I feel like a total loser and wish I could get a real career job.

Wow how did you cope before age 45? How was life? I found life to be incredibly hard and often thought about death and disappearing.