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Dear all,

I registered because I want to know more about autism. Not so much the facts about it, or the diagnostic criteria or whatever, but the feel of it.
In two or three months I'll finally be evaluated for autism. I've felt very ambivalent about doing that. About half the characteristics that I come across feel awfully familiar. But some others definitely don't.

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADD in 2007. It was incredible to finally know that there was a reason that some things were so exceedingly difficult for me. Medication and counseling also make a difference: I am on 60mg dexamphetamine per day and it greatly helps me to follow things through.
Around 2009 I was having a series of counseling talks, and part of that was a group training in planning skills. I found it absolutely pointless, because they were talking about the cognitive part of planning: how to use an agenda, etcetera. But that's not my problem: I know very well how an agenda works! My problem is that I never think to use it. My cognitive abilities are fine, but my executive skills are like that of an 11 year old at most. Maybe it sounds silly or even frivolous, but it's a curse. It's jinxing me that there is no tiny Control Tower in my head prompting me to stop doing this, and start doing that. Or no-one around, like a parent, who does that. I tried hard to master that - for years and years and years, until I got sick and weary of it. But no schema or tool or planning technique can replace it.

Another thing was that of that group of 8, I seemed to be the least organised and the most chaotic. After two sessions this was making me feel so bad that I didn't participate a lot in the group. But then, in the regular counseling talk with the psychologist, she suggested that they wanted to test me for autism as well. When I asked why, the answer was 'that I was so withdrawn in the planning group'. That was such a stupid reason that I hardly could believe it, and told her that I thought that was nonsense: I was withdrawn because I felt very low at that time. And she sort of shrugged and the matter seemed to be off the table.
But - this lady had just started fresh from the university and thus wasn't very experienced - they had apparently pushed her in the team meeting that she had to bring it up again with me. For what reason one can only guess; but I could only repeat my point, and eventually I printed out the DSM criteria for autism and, point for point, explained to her that I could not relate to any of them. I remember she also brought up something like "but people with autism are notoriously bad at self-assessment"; but by then I felt so fed up with the whole matter that could not take her serious any more.

To me it felt as if I had strayed into a Franz Kafka story: it was as if I was accused of something, and anything that I said only seemed to support the verdict. No matter what I said.
I could only leave there after that - the relationship was sorely messed up and I felt absolutely awful, depressed and anxious and distrustful.

Luckily that cleared up in a few months again and eventually I got a much better psychologist where I did have a good series of talks. But in the course of that, it seemed more and more inevitable that there was indeed something else bothering me apart from the AD(H)D. The psychiatrist also noticed it, and when I left there advised me to be tested for autism. This time I agreed because it made sense. Well, and we had arrived at that conclusion in a respectful manner - not by trying to shove it down my throat.
So, that's what I'm waiting for now. There's quite a waiting list, but they told me that it can be done after the summer holidays.

For the rest: I have a nephew who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS and ADHD; and his father (my brother) accepted a sub-clinical diagnosis for PDD-NOS as well. So it does indeed run in the family.

I'm curious what will come of it.


elen sila lumenna omentielvo (a star shines on the hour of our meeting),
Lúthien

Hey Luthien Merilin welcome.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks both!

Right. I did the test.
The outcome is that I've got PDD-NOS in terms of DSM-4, which is still used where I went.

I suppose that it will eventually be just "some degree of a certain type of autism" under DSM-5 - which makes me wonder whatever happened to the good old scientific zeal to become ever more specific
Maybe it's a case of political correctness?

Anyhow, I can't say that I was overjoyed to get the message. I expected a negative, despite the obvious matches. To my idea there's just too many non-matches but, so be it.

Maybe it's also that it feels so, I don't know, cold? Clinical?
The interviews had been pleasant enough, but at this "verdict session" there was also a psychiatrist who barely said anything. So I asked if there was anything that I could do now, knowing this.

She didn't think there was, apart from that she could send me a list of books to read. and, that I could be put on a waiting list for a discussion group.

And that was, as they say, that.

When I got home I even developed a nervous-feeling bellyache that lasted for some days.
I'm sure that I could learn more from this diagnosis though.

Knowing it doesn't change who you are, just use it to learn more about yourself and maybe find support that actually helps you with problems you face. I am sure people here can point out some great books you can read that helped them. I really liked the guide from Tony Attwood, it was like reading a manual about myself, I have also read books from Baron-cohen.

I so got the agenda thing you mentioned in the topic start, I Always "forget" to write down my notes and apointments, my planning skills are terrible.

Thanks Erwin