I'm very new, and looking to relate/cope (not diagnosed)

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Hi. So, I don't know what to do with myself these days. I have been going through a rough time the past few months (/year), and my "meltdowns" have become worse and more frequent (I think due to stress). I have been determined to figure out what's "wrong" with me, and why I seem to be unable to cope with everyday things that "normal" people have no trouble with, like just doing my job. I have always felt like I am different from most people. I have a different thought process, and a particular way of doing everything. I am embarrassed and frustrated with my inability to cope.

Basically, I am here looking for answers and for support. I have been researching a lot about aspergers and the autism spectrum, and I find myself relating to almost every quality. I strongly feel that I have finally found the thing to fill in all of the blanks of my life. Though, I am still wary and skeptical. I am looking for something/someone to relate to. I want to know if it is just me.

I'm told I'm a good conversationalist. I can carry on a conversation if I'm feeling confident, but most of the time I don't know how to respond. I think either I'm paranoid about my own skills or people are lenient on me because I am a young girl. I often wonder how much bias my appearance causes. Although, I have certainly learned how to adapt (especially from being a waitress at a small diner for 2 years- that greatly improved my social skills and ease). Sometimes people assume I am sweet and innocent because I don't talk much. But I am often told I am a bit harsh and blunt, and self-centered.
I have also been likened to a robot, people assume I am emotionless because I do not console people very well, or react to emotional news, and I can have a monotone voice. Of course, if something affects me directly I will become overwhelmed with emotion, and unable to speak or express my emotion in any way other than lots of crying. I cry a lot, actually, and it's very frustrating. I have never been able to express my emotions, I just shut down. I even become physically frozen at times, my muscles tense and it is exhausting afterward. And the littlest things set me off, especially a build up of sounds or a criticism.
I am also a control freak, always have been. As a kid, my mom called me "little-miss-do-it-herself". I also have a particular way I like to do things, and the way everyone else does them seems illogical to me. I am a very logical person, I shape all of my routines to be (what I think is) the most efficient, but also they have to "feel" right.
I am constantly touching myself to keep my left and right sides "balanced", ie if I scratch my left arm, I have to rub the feeling away, and then rub my other arm to even things out, and I do this as many times as needed to feel even/balanced. When I was a kid, I used to think of my left and right hand as separate entities also, each with their own agenda, so to speak. So I was constantly battling with them.
I had a lot of OCD tendencies as a kid as well, but I am able to resist my urges better now that I'm an adult, and only need to give in when I'm very stressed. I also am very careful about trying to hide these little quirks of mine.
I've also always been a stickler for rules, and need to follow them, and have a hard time breaking any rules, unless I see a lot of other people (especially people that I trust) doing it. I consider myself very independent, but I have to admit I tend to be a follower because I don't want people to make fun of me. With enough convincing, I could be talked into a lot of things that make me uncomfortable (and often regret).
I have always thought it important to control myself and my behavior, but sometimes I think I have too much control, that I hold myself back from a lot of things. I often feel like a deer in the headlights, frozen. I just can't, no matter how much I want to talk or move or pursue something. Even when I am completely alone I can't let go of my emotions, can't find release.
I am also very secretive and can not work in front of people, I hate being watched, even if no one is actively looking, just having people around creates this sensation. I had a hard time participating in school, even when I knew most of the answers. I also have always had an aversion to homework or any projects that didn't interest me, but I am good at tests so was able to balance my grades that way.
I know I could have been a straight A student if I had put forth the effort, but I never could motivate myself. I failed out of 2 colleges, was too overwhelmed to show my face in class, even the classes I was most looking forward to (like typography, I love letters, my favorite letter is Gg).
Also I am definitely an introvert, I need a lot of alone time. And a lot of quiet time. My favorite thing is to lose myself in a fantasy novel (especailly YA...guilty pleasure) or my most recent obsession with Star Wars! I much prefer that to reality.

So that's a little about me.. I could say so much more but I don't want to write my whole life story. Before I found all of this info on aspergers, I was thinking I could be bipolar, maybe that would explain some things, and still I am not sure. Either way, I just want to know if anyone else has these same issues and how do you cope? I am losing it over here! So if you read all of that, thanks. And I'd love to hear a response of any kind. It has certainly been a huge relief just to find this place. I wish I had found this 10 years ago, when I was in high school.

Welcome!

Hey alshe welcome.

Hi,
I'm new here too
I can't say either way since I'm not a doctor, but have you thought about seeing your doctor? Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this?
I could be completely wrong, but I don't feel bipolar when I read what you've written. It can be easy to confuse things with other things - I was misdiagnosed with bipolar almost five years ago. Just some things you've said too, usually bipolar doesn't become apparent until your late teens/twenties rather than childhood. Of course that's not to say children are never diagnosed with bipolar because they are, just not as frequently. Asperger's is also frequently missed in adult women, and even young girls because I think it just presents differently in girls to boys.
Have you done any of the online tests? They can't diagnose you any more than I could, but they can give you an idea and also you could print off your results to take to your doctor if it's useful.
When I suspected Asperger's in myself, I started to list everything that I felt indicated it. I printed off all the pages and took them with me to my new psychiatrist. I also did every online test I could find, and talked it through with my husband.
It would probably help if you have a close friend or relative you could discuss this with, as they may be able to point things out that you've missed. I found that talking to my husband and my sister was helpful because my husband pointed things out I didn't see, and my sister said that she had her suspicions about me and also our dad (I don't think she knew how to approach it with me).
Reading blogs can be helpful, and also books as there are some good books out there. I've been reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, it's really useful.
I was very recently diagnosed (in a fashion, verbally, but that's a different story) with Asperger's. I started to suspect because my eldest son was diagnosed last year and I think I can see signs in my youngest two children as well. I started to think about it, and the more I read (particularly with adult females) the more it all fell into place.
I can see now that many of the problems I have now, I have had since childhood and because of an event during my teens things got complicated and blamed on that rather than looked into further. I am also guilty of assuming my issues stem from my teens when most of them actually don't.
I struggle with socialising, I have never really had friends. I was content with my own company as a child, and this has gone on and whilst I have had one or two friends during adulthood, I have never been able to maintain real life friendships. I'm fine talking online, but I can't commit to real life. I have found that I don't know how to be with people. I know what's expected of me as this you learn over time, and also you watch people on TV and stuff, but it's impossible for me to apply that to real life for any real length of time.
I don't like making eye contact, when I do it's not for long. I prefer to watch people's mouths when I'm spoken to and when I'm talking I look in a completely different direction to the person I'm talking to.
I can be very blunt and don't show much sympathy. For instance, my six year old step son got bitten by a gnat or something the other day and was complaining about it. My mum was being sympathetic and saying "oh you poor thing" and stuff like that, but I simply said "it's just a bite, you'll get over it"... Of course my mum thinks I'm mean. I don't mean to come across like that though and I'm not the most cuddly person on the planet. I remember as a kid when my mum's mum passed away, I said to my mum "why are you so sad? Your mum just died that's all!" I'm aware I can come across rather cold but it's not something I'm aware of right when I say stuff. Afterwards with reflection and much thought, I can see how I may seem that way to other people.
It's also difficult to relate to other people unless I've experienced what they have myself. If it's something that affects me, I'm in touch with it probably too much, and I struggle with that.
I struggle with emotions and how to handle them. Anger is probably top of the list, alongside anxiety. If I'm excited about something I'm like a kid at Christmas. When I was a kid at Christmas, I was uncontrollable!
I don't take authority well in the slightest and never have done. I don't appreciate being told what to do or being controlled by anyone. As a kid I would have frequent meltdowns, and as a teen I would at times become violent - I punched my headteacher once because I didn't like what she said and I didn't care for her tone.
I don't behave appropriately even now at times. I think in part it's sometimes a way to deter people from talking to me because I don't want to have to try to be 'normal'. Some of it isn't as a means to protect my bubble, I can't explain all of it, like when I laughed out loud at my mother-in-law's late husband's funeral. In my defence, I did give an elderly lady some tissues.
I can apply sarcasm (not always knowingly, but I'm usually good with dishing it out accidentally or otherwise), but it doesn't always register when someone else is using it. I don't understand jokes. Obvious ones sometimes, but I'm usually the one asking for an explanation. I can also take things literally.

I didn't stay in school because of bullying, I left at 14. I was hopeless with subjects such as maths, geography, science (I actually enjoyed science but I needed help with that) etc. but my strengths were, and still are, English and art. I was also good at French and German. Good at Spanish but only because I used to copy the most intelligent girl in class LOL! I recently discovered through an English assessment that despite my non existent education, I am working at A-level. It's definitely my 'thing', I try to perfect it and am also extremely annoying to other people because I'm forever correcting them, although because of missed schooling I do need to brush up on the basics. With art I can draw anything I see. I can't draw faces realistically, but that's the only thing I can't really draw well. English and art have been strengths since childhood.
I have a bit of OCD and a phobia of germs and illnesses.
I get overwhelmed by things like noise, touch, smell and I have to avoid things. Smells of things I don't like I really need to avoid. Noise I MUST avoid, I often sit with headphones in because I can listen to music, but everyday noises I really struggle with. I need some time alone most days, or I just can't function and this will definitely end up in a meltdown. And light. I avoid shops because I can't tolerate the bright lights. Daylight is just as awful, I have to wear sunglasses to go outside unless it's really overcast. Even then I struggle to tolerate it.
I also have Synesthesia, which is where you see letters, numbers, words etc. as colours. In a nutshell, it can affect people differently of course, but that's how it is for me. There's not much research around it, but during a study they did find that more people on the spectrum appeared to have Synesthesia than not. So there may be a possible link. It's a harmless condition, providing it doesn't start during adulthood (it can indicate things like a stroke in that instance, which is why they say to see a health professional asap if you start noticing symptoms in adulthood).

Anyway, there's more than that but I think I've rambled on enough! I just thought I'd give you an idea of what it's like for myself, as you may be able to relate.

I am new as well. I am not diagnosed. I have a whole lot of personality traits associated with Asperger's though. I can't remember what string of events brought me here. But, what I was doing just before finding this site was researching Asperger's and I signed up to talk to someone who posted something and then found it was a very very old post so I never did respond to that. As I was reading some other posts though I started to remember so many things that I can relate to. And I read this just a couple of hours ago it fits me very well. http://thoughtcatalog.com/penelope-trun ... aspergers/ I also have had a life long problem with telephones and paperwork. Now it's to the point where my dread of paperwork can be a real problem even worse than not being able to finish my degree. So, I am going to do what I have to find a mental health professional and get that formal diagnosis, but quite frankly even if I am don't have Asperger's the problem I am having with phones and forms is enough to make it nearly impossible to function in this world.

Thank you guys so much for your responses!!
I am seeing a therapist in 2 weeks for the first time, I'm not sure if I will be ready to bring this up at the time, I will have to just see how it goes because I have no idea. It has taken me too long to even get to this point, but I am very slow. Every time I would try to call somewhere and make an appointment, I would become overwhelmed and just could not bring myself to do it. I feel better now that that part is over and I at least made one small step, though I know my nerves will be crazy again. My biggest worry is that I will shut down and not be able to express what is going on in my mind.
I am going to look at some videos of me as a kid, try to see if I can pick out some of the signs. I also want to ask my mom some questions, but I'm not sure how to pose them to her without telling her my suspicions... I don't think she will take me seriously.
I am going to talk to my boyfriend about it though. He certainly has experienced my meltdowns and has been frustrated with my inability to speak when I'm emotional. I know that I can count on him to be supportive and objective.
I have taken the online tests, a few times and my results have been consistent, that I likely have Aspergers. Honestly the first time I took one I didn't expect to score so high, and in trying to be conservative with my answers I still got the same result. I came across a graph of the female traits, and broke down crying, relating to every single one.
It's been eye opening for sure, and I go between feeling elated that I discovered this to complete despair knowing the solution may not be as simple as I had previously thought. But I still need to do more research, and at least for the time being I hope to get help for my anxiety.

Oh and I hate being told what to do too! Even if it's my job, or something I was going to do anyway it makes me angry to be bossed around, and I've been told many times that I have an attitude problem. I have always had a problem with authority, never understood why it bothered me so much!

Anyway, again, thank you so much for the posts!

Thank you! That is very helpful, I have started writing down some of the things, as well as copied my posts from here to take in to my therapist, so I at least have a reference and in case she wants to read it for more insight.
As for my boyfriend, I will be able to send him books or articles with information about asd and he can write back to me his thoughts, or we can talk about it also when I visit him. He is currently incarcerated, so it's been very hard to communicate and it's been hard on me to take on all of the things he used to take care of for me. That's part of the reason I've been failing so hard lately, he's not here to do the things I can't and also help support me emotionally or financially all of which adds stress. But he will still be able to help in other ways.
As far as my mom, I tend to turn to her next for help, but she is so busy and she doesn't really understand me. I feel like she doesn't take me seriously and never has. She said she would go with me to the therapist but I think that would make it harder for me to open up and be honest.
I just think I need to have more info before I bring this up to her.

But all of your suggestions are really helping me feel like I have a better plan! Seriously, thank you for that. I will definitely post updates after my first session.

Hi alshe,

I'm new, too! I was going through something very similar to your situation last year. I ended up going through the whole evaluation process--it was stretched out over months (for reasons I don't entirely understand), very difficult in unexpected ways, but ultimately I think it was worth it. Being diagnosed has helped me to begin to understand myself better, to find my neurotribe, and to learn from their many blogs, etc. They had me fill out a form so they could call my mother and ask her questions about my early development, but I don't think they ever called her (apparently they were sufficiently convinced from their interactions with me!). Best of luck, bon courage!

oh... and star wars totally rocks! talk about a universe you can get lost in....

I should mention: some of my family responded well. they began to understand me better, adapt a bit, or at least give me space to be me. others... not so much. I am hoping it just takes time. be careful to tell people the results of your evaluation (either way they decide!) on your own terms--when you are ready, and however much information you are ready to give. you don't "owe" anyone anything when it comes to things like this. And try to be patient--I got a lot of unbelieving initial reactions, and some of them have become my strong supporters (but needed to work through it themselves). Other folks, I wish I hadn't told... and I have kept it out of my professional life thus far...

slave: thanks! just trying to pass on what little i have learned... and wishing i was smart enough to take my own advice

i just finished the new Ventress book (Dark Disciple). Best one of the new "canon" books yet! In case you need a distraction while waiting & haven't gotten to it yet