Well, I never saw this one coming

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Hi. My story is a bit different.

When I was younger than 14, I was extremely weird. No one liked me. I lost a s**t tonne of weight and started wearing makeup and refused to talk to my old friends. I learned to act. What I couldn't act, I sat pretty for. I amassed a bit of popularity by acting better than I was. But still I never really fit in. Boys didn't like me. My friends tried to brush me off but I'd guilt them into staying. Eventually it got to be too much for me and I cut them out. But still I never thought the problem was me, or allowed myself to think that at least. I buried it deep down.

I had all the symptoms, but I denied them, convinced there was something else wrong with me. At the worst of my vanity, I even appropriated other more palatable illnesses like alcoholism or even an eating disorder to try to rationalize being misunderstood. I identified with both but still I knew I was just playing a role. I was a fraud. And I knew nobody really knew me. And no matter what I did I was lonely, no matter how many likes my selfie got.

Eventually other girls saw me as cute and funny, even though I never thought I was really funny. I would just do things and people would laugh and say, "that's Megan." I went to my teachers for understanding and I got it, but still they didn't know what the matter was beyond my family issues because I even used those to cover up my own feelings of insecurity. I was a total Machiavellian. Probably because of the onesided bonding with teachers I did bond a lot more easily. It didn't require as much social give and take as with my peers. I went through a lot of close friends in high school but I felt most understood by my teachers and stayed in contact with them.

When I graduated these tactics couldn't transfer over to the real world. I'm nearly 20 and I haven't started university and I always thought I wanted to be a teacher but after asking myself whether it was another ego validation or my hearts true desire, I've had to rethink everything. My sister disclosed to my mom she thought I had aspergers and I blew up at her and said a lot of nasty things. And now, even though I once felt so independent and prepared to face the world, I'm about to move in with her.

But I guess this is just the beginning, like hatching from an egg probably. The tenderness I feel now is only because of the novelty of this strange new world I've found myself in, despite desperately trying not to outgrow the embryonic dark. But the good news: now there's light.

That was interesting. Quite reflected.

Hey weirdgirl777 welcome.

hi. welcome. what sorts of things are you interested in?

I love all things spiritual, astrology, psychology, art, language and now apparently aspergers.......lol

What exactly and how?

your love of language shows. you are articulate.

I love spirituality and astrology and art! I'm the happy, sunshiny girl on WP, so whenever you need cheering up, I'm the person to chat to!

Welcome to WP
Do either of your parents show signs of Aspergers?
I have two kids, a son 12 and a daughter 16 who have Aspergers and anxiety. It is very hard for them to find their way thru the world, but I think it helps that we have an open family. I dont think we really think of it as something wrong anymore, we just think of it as a reality that we have to live around and enjoy life in spite of. We hlep each other and tell each other when we are letting it get the best of us.

good luck and hope to see you around WP

Welcome! I hope you find WP comfortable. You may find that *here*, your story isn't all that different except in the details - and that often turns out to be a wonderful realization.

I have to admit I'm the queen of vague knowledge... I can't describe to exactly what I love about psychology. I just read an abundance of information on it, process life through it, and develop my own thoughts and opinions. It's just part of me at this point.

As for language, I have always loved learning languages from birth. Before I knew I had aspergers I tried to get rid of all my special interests and stopped learning languages. Little did I know I would never stop obsessing over the things I loved.... I only speak French and English fluently now!

Welcome to the site

I don't think my mom has aspergers, but my dad might have been on the spectrum but only very mildly because he was known as very social and an attention lover. I see the traits in my fathers family a lot though.

Thanks for your insights I made it a point to unlearn a lot of negative stereotypes surrounding aspergers when I realized I had it. Ever since I've seen it as less of a disease or disorder but just exactly as in my opinion it is: neurodiversity. whether it's a hindrance or a blessing is perspective. I think the only hindrance is oppression and at worse, denial by the neurotypical population. I refuse to be erased. So grateful I was into social justice before this discovery or else I might not have survived.

I appreciate it

this alone has made me comfortable. Thanks for the warm words. Love the positivity!!

Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story, it was quite thoughtful and I felt like could relate well to your experiences.