Another dang Aspie! The light's drawin' 'em!

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Well, here goes! I'm 57 years old and began to suspect that I was an Aspie about five years ago, after I read Tony Attwood's book. After going to one psychologist who said that I couldn't possibly have AS because I had empathy (is that contagious?), the second psychologist told me that she knew I was an Aspie within five minutes - because her husband is an Aspie as well. So, here I am, introducing myself - a little, anyway.

Any of this sound familiar?

I started reading - spontaneously, it seems - when I was about two. People would tell me I had a photographic memory, but I was unsure about that - only because I knew that I didn't literally remember every word I ever read. (However, I seemed to remember more than most anyone else.) Going to school was not pleasant. Having one or two friends at home was okay now and then. But how do you find some solitude in a school when you need it? Besides, looking at the other kids, I felt like Jane Goodall studying apes, or some anthropologist studying a newly-discovered tribe. Who were these people? To the others, I was the smart kid, a little eccentric but so was Einstein, they thought.

By age seven, I was seriously into reading, moving from one newly-discovered interest to another, plundering libraries for anything I could find. Astronomy, history, dinosaurs and other prehistoric life, biology. You get the picture! I got into baseball because of the statistics. And so on. Rarely showed emotion, even though I felt very sensitive on the inside. I could really relate to Mr. Spock as a kid. (ST:TOS came out when I was 7.) I was always religious, always felt a sense of the presence of God.

By age 18, I had the idea that I should become a priest. So, I went to college and then to seminary, and did become a priest at age 28. It turned out that there was a lot of social stuff involved in being a priest. It was hard for me - and I didn't even realize at the time how hard it was. I just hung in there, believing that it was what I was supposed to do. After some years, I felt myself becoming more and more tired. I had a depression at age 45 and felt like I was weak and a failure. At the same time, I also felt a greater desire for solitude. Yet I felt that I couldn't just cut back on my parish involvements to do that. Well, the depression told me otherwise. I was psychologically exhausted. I had to make some kind of a change.

To make a long story short, I eventually adjusted my lifestyle and was allowed to live a semi-hermit kind of life. Still some limited parish work, but a lot more time for solitude. Made a huge difference for me.

Then, about five years ago, I learned about AS. Discovering this and then being diagnosed shed light on many things in my life. The transition period was challenging, but I also sensed in my heart that this was correct. I truly was an Aspie. Then, I noticed things about me that I hadn't quite seen before - the subtle stimming, the dissociation techniques I used for survival when leading any kind of service in front of a group of people. I discovered why I had to take migraine pills every night for a year during my last year of full-time parish work. Spending an hour with people - even people I like or love - is like giving a pint of blood. Very few people I know could get that.

Anyway, here I am. I love long walks and hikes, and snowshoeing in winter. I still read a lot - theology, history, and a few other subjects. I love puns and wordplay. I'm into computers, tablets, & e-readers. I have a blog where I post religious reflections and musings, and occasionally other stuff as well. I still love dinosaurs and astronomy. I have a logical mind and a sensitive heart. Some sounds really bother me. I like a wide variety of music - almost as much as I love books. I'm loyal to anyone or anything that matters. I quickly spot the anomalies in most things - including myself.

Well, enough for now. I guess that my main reason for posting here is to see how much of my experience makes sense to you. I've yet to meet another Aspie (though I wonder about a couple of people I know, though they know nothing about Aspie-dom), so I suppose I'm curious to see if I might find my own tribe - after years as an "anthropologist" in the NT world.

Welcome! In my case the light would send me far far away shaking my fist at it since light has the effect of bug spray! I don't mind covered lights like lamps too much, I made extra effort to come to the thread nevertheless and welcome you, appreciate the detail of your intro and hope you find a lot of interaction and fulfillment here!

Hey downeaster59 welcome.

Welcome! You sound like a cool person. I like some of the same things you do.

Thanks to those of you who posted a welcome. And, thanks to all of you who welcomed me and never actually posted anything. I know how it is. When I came to this forum, I was like a cat that had been given a new kind of food. I walked around it several times, sniffed it a few times, poked at it, walked away for a while, came back, and finally decided to try a bite.

I'm still in the "cat" process, checking out the various sub-forums to see what might interest me. Also, trying to see if this is the "wrong planet" for me, or if there might be a few members of my tribe hiding out here.

There are a few interests of mine that I didn't mention yet, but that will come in time.

Thanks again for the welcome.

Hi downeaster59!

Thanks for sharing your fairly detailed introduction. I especially enjoy the stories of those coming to a later-in-life diagnosis, and the resonances that emerge.

Your calling and vocation as a priest, lived out as an aspie, I find especially interesting. Also your experience of depression and burn-out, the granting of a "semi-hermit kind of a life" sounds a real gift and reminds me a little of Merton. It's also something of a wish I have had for myself.

I won't go into my story right now, but religious studies and a feeling of calling to church service has long been part of it. As too has a persistent recurrence of depression and a late diagnosis of Aspergers. In my case just this year at 36.

I visited Maine a couple of times when I lived in the US and it would have to be one of the most beautiful places I have been! I can understand why hiking would be a love of yours.

Who are your favourite authors, or what are your favourite books? Theology or otherwise?

Kind regards,
IF

Hi, IF! Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I have never been to Australia, and the prospect of that many hours on planes and in airport terminals might make it hard for me to ever go. But I've heard great things about Australia from others who have gone. Beautiful country. But I admit that I am partial to the natural beauty here in Maine, as much as I have enjoyed what traveling I have done. You are right - it's a great place for hiking, biking, and snowshoeing in winter.

If the aspie diagnosis had been known and understood when I was 18 or so, I might have been steered away from diocesan priesthood and toward something else, like perhaps the Benedictines or Carmelites. But my history is what it is. Besides that, all my struggles have taught me a great deal, and seem to help me to help others as well. So it's all gift.

Let's see... favorite authors/books? That's like asking a shark what its favorite fish is. It would probably reply, "Doesn't matter, as long as I smell blood". Meaning - as long as I learn something valuable and the author writes well, that author can be a favorite one of mine, at least for the moment.

That said, some authors/books stand out. Let me list a few.

Merton, of course. He was one who gave me "permission", so to speak, to seek out a hermit way of life. When I was in college, I discovered Chesterton: Everlasting Man and Orthodoxy. Then Lewis: Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters, Narnia, Space Trilogy. Then Tolkien. I also devoured history, theology, Biblical studies. Later, Annie Dillard: Pilgrim At Tinker Creek and Teaching A Stone To Talk. Parker Palmer: Let Your Life Speak. Belden Lane: The Solace of Fierce Landscapes. John Cassian: Institutes, Conferences. Ruth Burrows: Guidelines for Mystical Prayer and Essence of Prayer. William Harmless: Desert Christians, Mystics. Anthony Storr, Solitude. Some of Montaigne's Essays. Stories of the Desert Fathers & Mothers. Carol Flinders, Enduring Grace. Richard Lederer - lots of books featuring puns and wordplay. Elizabeth Johnson: Quest For The Living God. Gerhard Lohfink: Jesus of Nazareth. Denys Turner: Julian of Norwich, Thomas Aquinas. NT Wright: Simply Christian. Robert Barron: The Strangest Way. A.M. Allchin, Solitude and Communion. Terry Eagleton: Reason, Faith and Revelation. These come to mind. There are others, too!

Besides all that, I maintain an interest in astronomy, psychology, paleontology, history, philosophy.

Hope I haven't thrown too much at you!

Peace!

An excellent post to be greeted by today – thanks for the time Downeaster!

Yes, the transpacific flight is a challenging beast. I have conquered it in the past with the assistance of headphones and classical music, a carry-on filled with books, and the repeated, ameliorating litany of wine and coffee. I can not, or, perhaps, will not sleep over the voyage. This all inevitably requires several days of recovery, but it does allow you to get a lot of reading done!

You say, “If the aspie diagnosis had been known and understood when I was 18 or so, I might have been steered away from diocesan priesthood and toward something else, like perhaps the Benedictines or Carmelites. But my history is what it is. Besides that, all my struggles have taught me a great deal, and seem to help me to help others as well. So it's all gift.” This is wisdom. Hard won, I suspect. I'm still navigating the thorny thickets of guilt, unanswered questions, and glimpses of self-forgiveness that flail about my reflections on my history and vocational search. The aspie diagnosis affording more understanding and peace than I've experienced in a long time, though some questions remain.

You - "Let's see... favorite authors/books? That's like asking a shark what its favorite fish is. It would probably reply, "Doesn't matter, as long as I smell blood""- Ha! Too true. While I ask the question with ease, I find answering a question like this near impossible... or only possible with a number of caveats included. So an answer with 20 authors (I think, on a quick count) and even more titles, is too familiar, and about exactly what I could have hoped for

Some brief thoughts. Lewis and Tolkien - pure gold. The theological themes in their fiction were probably lost to me in my youthful readings, but the strength and aesthetics of their narration and the richness of their themes were not. They only seem to improve with age. Aside from these two you list several authors I love - Dillard, Palmer, Johnson, Wright, Eagleton. For several of these, the books you cite are ones I've not yet picked up, but have discovered them through other means. Dillard, for instance, is a relatively recent find for me, through her essays (and have just finished reading The Abundance). I have a copy of Pilgrim in my pile of books to read next, that I've been looking forward to! I love Palmer's 'To Know as we are Known". I read Eagleton's 'Literary Theory' in college, and have devoured several of his books since then.

There are several authors you list that I know only through secondary literature, or tangentially. I have a few of Denys Turner's books on my wish list (he is well regarded by John Cottingham, a writer I admire greatly), but have never read directly. Those biographies look fascinating. Do you prefer one much over the other?

I now have several new titles to check out. Thank you!

I'm very curious to hear your thoughts on contemporary Catholic theologians, but this message chain may not be the right forum. I am not a Catholic myself, but have enjoyed interacting with the texts of writers like Johnson, Gutierrez, Kung, Rahner, MacIntyre and Charles Taylor.

You - "Besides all that, I maintain an interest in astronomy, psychology, paleontology, history, philosophy." This is all too familiar It's nice to meet new aspie friends!

Kind regards,
IF

Hi, ImmanentFrame!

I had written a reply to you this morning, but when I tried to post it, I got a server error and lost the whole thing. I'm tempted to say that it was an utterly brilliant reply, just as "the fish that got away" is always bigger than the fishes you catch! But it really wasn't. I'll try again now.

Like you, I've devised many ways of coping with sensory challenges, like investing in noise cancelling headphones. ( I think Bose, and other such companies, should offer an Aspie bulk discount.) I can dissociate to a point when in front of a large crowd at Mass. Even so, each such event exacts its own pint of blood and pound of flesh.

Yes, my comings and goings have yielded a kind of wisdom, and hard-won at that. Most people who know me, even close relatives, don't really understand the Aspie side of me. A couple of close friends do get it fairly well. I have my meltdowns when I've had too much social exposure and not enough solitude. Mine, however, are internal, not external. Implosions, not explosions. Most people wouldn't even know that one was underway. But they're nasty things, any way you have them. Besides, I've had to struggle with my feelings of being inadequate and a failure until I learned about the Aspie side of me. Now I have a better sense of who I am and why I react as I do. I also have a much deeper appreciation for Paul's comment that we experience the power of God more through our weakness than through our strength. I've also learned that some things I believed were weaknesses were really strengths, and vice versa. That learning process continues.

I was hesitant at first about identifying myself as an Aspie, even to myself. I had the image of autism as something with more severe symptoms than what I seemed to have. I had also spent decades minimizing my own reactions (to myself and to others), to the point that I didn't even know how much some things affected or hurt me until later. But I have learned that if God has chosen me for this, this must be a gift of love, not only for me, but for others. So I have come to embrace my inner Aspie, so to speak, and my inner child. (pretty much one and the same) I have learned to function as an "adult" in the NT world, and I believe that I have matured in a number of ways. But inside, I'm still very much the child. People tell me I have an air of innocence about me. In my Aspie literalism, I can't agree with that, as I can always point out the anomalies in myself, the times when I wasn't innocent. But I accept that they see something that they want to compliment in some way.

Anything by Denys Turner is worthwhile. Besides the bios I mentioned (among the best on Julian and Thomas), there's also The Darkness Of God as well as Faith, Reason and the Existence of God. Intellectual workouts, but worth the effort.

I don't know if this particular forum is where we are "supposed" to discuss such things. If not, maybe some kindly soul can steer us to the right harbor. Till then, we continue where we are.

You list some good and interesting Catholic theologians. Each one is worth a comment or two, but that can wait for another time.

As you say, it's nice to meet new Aspie friends. I have never met anyone (in person) who has ever said that he or she was an Aspie, but I wonder about a couple of folks. It is good to connect with people who really are of one's neurological tribe.
BTW, speaking of tribes, NeuroTribes by Steve Silberman is an excellent history of the autism diagnosis and an exploration of a number of aspie communities.

Signing off for now!

Welcome, Downeaster!

You sound very similar to me. I have loved to read and study anything I could get my hands on since I learned to read well in English at six years old. Subjects I have read about include:

Animals, particularly cats. My favorite breeds to read about are the tabby, Calico and Siamese
History
Geography
Legal topics
Medical topics
Sports (particularly tennis)

The list goes on!

Hi, IstominFan!

Thanks for replying to my post(s). I'm also partial to cats. The history of the Maine Coon Cat is pretty interesting, partly because there are various legends as to where it originated. Your faves are great, too. Was it Kathy Hoopman who had the book All Cats Have AS? She may be on to something. Aspies and cats seem to have a special connection - though dogs are fine, too.

And the list does go on. I have always loved maps and I'm fascinated by weather. Sometimes I felt like a human vacuum cleaner in how I would always be drawing information from books.

Pick ten Aspies at random, pull together all the books they have read and all the subjects that interest them, and then you'd have a very respectable library for almost any community.