Hi everybody,
I'll go just by initials A.J. if you don't mind, a little concerned and worried about my privacy. I am a 54 year old male, have suspected to have Asperger's for a couple of years now, any online tests I take I score high, anything I read matches my life story.
I tried to get a "formal" diagnosis a couple of years ago, but the Dr. I saw did not think I have Asperger's. It confused me and I got kind of lost after that just dealing with depression and some compulsive behaviors. My wife feels I am using it as an excuse to not do my part in our partnership and thinks I am not any longer physically attracted to her.
It is a whirlwind. I think I am masking things pretty well, I am professionally successful and outside people would probably never suspect much other that I can come across as arrogant, conceited`, selfish, sometimes lack empathy. Most of the time with strangers I try to be upbeat, joke (love jokes!), and try to be polite and empathetic regardless of how I feel inside. It gets tiresome sometimes.
I am on my second marriage and have lost complete contact with my biological daughter and one adopted daughter. It does bother me, but I am not making an effort to reach out, maybe for fear of disappointment, but deep inside I think I am actually aslo o.k. with that.
I have now been 15 years married in my second and current marriage, it has been rocky at times, we both have "baggage" and have our own individual issues. I am terrible at expressing emotions, don't talk much most of the time about feelings, or am not sure what to talk about for fear to do something wrong, then that's what is wrong???
Communication is hard for me.
The therapist I saw for an adult Asperger's evaluation pretty much thought I was just a typical male, but this is deeper for me. Then I think who defines who has and who has not Aspergers. In the end the behavior is what counts and many of my problems fit the description to a "T".
I am looking for a new Psychologist, cannot find anybody with adult Aspergers experience, but will give it a try.
i have literally no friends or family, that I would feel comfortable to discuss my deep feelings, odd behaviors, etc... with. All my personal relationships seem pretty superficial, mostly professional peer, but not even in the same town, I do not discuss personal issues with them, and see them maybe once a year.
I feel often very lonely and it exacerbates my depression, but that seems to be a trait of some Aspies, people think they are ok alone, but really inside they do look for love and want to give love, but it seems I dont know how to love, to give love, or sometimes even receive it.
Helps to write it down, maybe somebody can relate....
A.J.
10 Sep 2018, 1:20 pm
