Perhaps I do belong here!?

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Hello,

A few years back I suffered a horrible bout of depression - so much so that I almost committed suicide and the act was on my mind all the time. Slowly I'm getting better and am semi-functioning at the moment: I can work the 2-3 days a week that I used to and I am again going to university. Unfortunately I cannot seem to concentrate on my studies: it seems as if my brain has shrunk and my wisdom diminished.

The causes of depression may sound familiar on this site: I have always felt an utter outsider; I have never known how to interact (except as a geek in my hobbies) with others. In fact almost all the aspie traits suit me, except one that bugs me. I feel a huge need for my own space and time, but at the same time I feel the urge to interact with other humans (but only on/with my own time, needs and constraints), which apparently is not a typical aspie trait? I have read posts that aspies tend to shun others, but this doesn't work for me. I do need and want human contact, but I just can't stand it in the sense that most people understand it. I want to interact but I want specific guidelines: I wan't to talk and be geeky about my interests but I just don't comprehend the want to "mingle" and socialise (as what happens in parties for example). I guess this might discount me as an aspie (which is why I prefer the ambiguous in my profile) but I do relate myself otherwise with this group. I would of course appreciate knowing if despite this difference, I should ask the university psych if this syndrome might apply to me!?

My areas of interest have been all-consuming and from just a few years of age I have immersed myself in them to the exclusion of almost everything else. It started with a fascination in cars (especially the wheels and windscreen wipers, lol!) at the age of 3-6. Then came airplanes (which to some extent continues today). Then classical music with an emphasis on historical Opera singers. Recently Renaissance Choral Polyphony has been an all-encompassing passion of mine.

-Osman-

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome to WrongPlanet

As for an interest in Renaissance Choral masterpieces; I have Thomas Tallis, Palestrina, William Byrd,
Gregorio Allegri, Gregorian Chants by Vox Naturalis, and other Medieval, Rennaissance, and Baroque
classics.

Welcome to WP

I don't see why that should discount you as an aspie. You've described perfectly how I feel about interacting with others, and how others with AS have described their feelings. Of course, some do shun all human contact, but that's not to say they wouldn't attempt to interact if it were risk-free. Appearing to not want human contact, and actually not wanting it in any shape or form, ever, are completely different things. For example, I almost never make attempts to get to know people socially IRL (apart from a few people with AS), and an observer would conclude that I'm asocial, avoiding human contact as much as possible. They'd infer that I don't want human contact. Any human contact. That completely misses what they can't see: that I'm human, do get extremely lonely, and like to have people to share my interests with, on occasion. I just don't attempt to get to know others without AS because I'm aware that beyond basic pleasantries I'm unable to interact with them in the way they expect, leaving myself open to ridicule. It's safer to seem arrogant and aloof, than a socially-inadequate fool.

Anyway, from what I've read, and experienced, being an outsider, unable to interact, is one of the hardest things to deal with, and has driven many to the point of suicide.

You appear to feel much the same way about social interaction as I do. Thing is, I just need a whole lot less of it than most people. I'm happy to hang out with someone once every couple of months, for a short time. The exceptions are my husband and my sister - they can be around me pretty much all the time and it doesn't wear on me. But they also give me space.

Welcome, by the way. I'm relatively new here myself, and I feel a world of comfort in these forums. I hope you will too.

Dear Osman-

Welcome.

If you want to be here, if you're comfortable here, then you belong here.

I have met many Aspies who shun or are intolerant of people. However, I am not one of them. And there are many other Aspies who are not like that. I believe you will find many here.

There is nothing wrong with wanting human contact.

You deserve to have meaningful and fulfilling human contacts

You're worth it.

Never forget that.

Now, as to how you go about achieving them . . .

I wish I could help you, but you will have to explore and experiment and fail and hurt and pick yourself up and try again until you find people who are tolerant, supportive and loving toward you, and will give you the type of human contact you seek.

Just remember: Human contact is a two-way street.

It may be difficult to believe, but there are others out there seeking someone like you.

Don't overlook them or push them away.

I send you my very best wishes.

+

When I started this response, I was listening to:

Mass for 4 Voices: Missa Re-fa-mi-re-fa: Sanctus
by Alexander Agricola (c1446-1506)
performed by the Huelgas Ensemble; Paul Van Nevel, Director

And now, I am listening to:

Mass for 6 Voices: Missa Corona spinea: 4- Agnus Dei
by John Taverner (c1490-1545)
performed by The Choir of Christ Church Cathedral, Oxford; Francis Grier, Director

These are two of my comfort and inspiration pieces.

+

You are not alone.


Alan

Thank you for the welcomes.

Ascan, siuan, it seems I might have misunderstood what I thought to be one of the key points of aspieness. I suppose I now should really talk the university's psychologist about Asperger's and if it would apply to me (aren't most self-diagnoses wrong anyway - say all doctors?).

Godwit, thank you for the welcome. Reflecting upon it, I think I might have pushed people back who have tried to make contact. I'll try to be more open. I am currently very fond of Jacob Obrecht's Missa Maria zart which is "comfort" music for me now. Thomas Tallis is perhaps my favourite - I seem to like everything I have heard from him. Also Cristóbal de Morales's Missa Si bona suscepimus and Brumel's Earthquake mass feature often in my listening. I like Taverner also, but he has never been among my favourites. I hav Harry Christopher's recording of the Missa Corona spinea with the Sixteen. I rather like the recording, but is Grier's performance worth getting in addition? van Nevel has made some very lovable recordings, but I haven't heard his Agricola - I shall try to find it.

-O-

You're welcome, and thank you for this response.

And remember that you have a choice in this. You may well want to push back some who want contact. I only started using the Internet for communicating with other people 4 weeks ago at a Yahoo site before discovering this place. At the other site, I got heavily evangelized by two people who wanted to convert me; repeatedly hit up for giving someone money; and repeatedly hit upon for sex so that I had to explain that I was sorry but I wasn't Gay to one guy who then offered to convert me, and that I was sorry but I was Gay to two women one of whom offered to convert me, and lots of political rants and hate-filled accusations hurled at me from left and right, followed by shunning.

Gah!

Being shunned. I'm good at that. So, I am really in no position to advise you on human interaction.

Now, on to a subject which is far more comforting to me than my non-existent social life: Music.

Yes, yes, yes to Tallis.

My top 10:

Responsory Motet for 5 Voices (c1559): In ieiunio et fletu
Motet for 5 Voices (c1559): O nata lux de lumine
Motet for 40 Voices in Eight 5-Part Choirs (c1559): Spem in alium
Tunes for Archbishop Parker's Psalter (c1567): 8- God grant with grace ("Tallis' Canon")
Anthem for 4 Voices: If ye love Me, keep my Commandments
Motet for 7 Voices, P 207 (c1559): Miserere nostri
Motet for 5 Voices, P 216 (1575): Salvator mundi salva nos, No. 1
Lamentations of Jeremiah, for 5 Voices (c1559): 1- Incipit lamentatio Jeremiae prohetae
Mass for 4 Voices, P 31 (c1540)
Tunes for Archbishop Parker's Psalter (c1567): 3- Why fum'th in sight

That last one was entirely unexpected when I heard it. Neither comforting, nor soulfully yearning, but just forcefully trenchant. It does have a great rhythmic beat to it, though.

I've talked with a couple of choir members who refer to the Spem in alium as (choke) "Spam in onions," because it is apparently tough on performers. Well, it's not like it was written for the performers, now, was it? The impact on me as a listener is so utterly and shatteringly wonderful.

Don't have the Obrecht, but do have his Mass for 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7 Voices: Missa Sub tuum presidium, which I love.

Don't have much by Morales, but do have his Requiem Mass for 5 Voices (1544).

Have less than a handful of motets by Brumel, but love the Gloria from Mass for 12 Voices: Missa Et ecce terrae motus.

For Taverner's Missa Corona spinea, I prefer the Grier directed performance to that of the Sixteen because of the trebbles in the Agnus Dei. They truly are angelic. This Agnus Dei is one of my all-time favorite comfort & inspiration pieces.

I have never been to a live performance of any of choral work. Have you? I would think that might be a good way to meet someone with at least one shared interest.

GOSH!

I hope this hasn't been too personal, technical and obsessive-compulsive for a public posting.

And I'm giving advice again on a topic for which I have absolutely no successful experience.

I am such an Aspie!

OK, then. Back into hiding.

That other site sounds quite awful. This place seems to be well behaved - the only problem so far is a bit of spam by PM!



I'm surprised to see no O sacrum convivium on the list!



I've never experienced it live, but would really love to experience it with the five choirs surround us the audience. I can imagine it would make the impact even more than shatteringly wonderful.



I think the whole rest of this earthquake mass is wonderful also. I have both the Tallis Scholar's and van Nevel's recordings - both have so many positives to them that I can't decide which I like better so I bought both.



I guess I must buy this version, too.



I go whenever there are any performed where I live - this means about three times in the past 4 years, i.e. not quite enough to satisfy my needs. I suppose it would be a great way to meet fellow choral lovers in principle, except starting a coversation with an unknown person is the stuff of nightmares. I think I'll try to make more contact with fellow students at university.



I thought the point of this site so that us geeks could find each other and obsess about whatever - so I for one am happy to see another Renaissance Choral geek here. Or do you mean, this sort of talks should be PM'ed instead?

-O-

I've sent you a private email to discuss more about music.

I hope you find real life people who are tolerant, kind, share your interests and whom you like.

Enjoy your music.

Alan

Welcome osman,

We will convert Godwit to something, if we can remember to get around to it.

Those medical wackos might think they created it, but we own it, and you are welcome.

No papers needed, and useless anyway, as it is nothing that can be treated.

While I would run from your music, I support your right to it.

Even here, we are a wide range with little in common, but from reading this thread, when the hits come they are big.

I like people but have a problem with humans.

Thank you for the welcome Inventor. A diagnosis might be useful for my peace of mind. I think your last sentence sums up my feelings well.

-O-